A goal without a plan is just a wish
As you go, taking action, one step at a time, the path unfolds before you.
Trust it’s there and it will be.
When I tell you I’ve done things before I was ready or taken these grand leaps of faith even when I was scared, it’s true.
But there have been plenty of days when I couldn’t force myself to leave my couch.
Instead, I binged Netflix all day and started drinking wine at noon.
Or I holed away and hid in a good book.
Or avoided what I “should” be doing and took my kids swimming instead.
Not my finest hour or wisest admission, perhaps, but honest.
Let’s be real.
We are all human and being overwhelmed is a natural instinct, especially when starting something new and embarking on big adventures.
So my advice is to start small when the end goal seems too big.
When I’m staring at a blank page and willing myself to write, I will tell myself, “you can’t edit a blank page.”
The same philosophy applies to most things.
I haven’t experienced anything in my life that requires perfection out of the gates.
So write a crappy first draft so you have something to edit.
Then, move onto the next phase of making it pretty.
Many times, the nudge is all that’s needed to get started and then momentum takes over.
As you write, you build confidence.
After you create your online dating profile and you start to see matches, you’re more confident to move the next step.
As you allow yourself to dream, you begin to see what’s actually possible.
The momentum of success will propel you forward.
Give yourself permission to make some progress and stop aiming for perfection.
You want to know what I’ve learned from all of the courses I’ve taken and all the books I’ve read and all the coaches I’ve hired?
They all say the same thing using their own words: Do the damn thing.
Just remind yourself: It’s never too late & You’re never too old.
Here’s your first step …The “ You Got This” Method.
What's your story?
When I met my ex- husband so many years ago, he rolls up next to me and says, “What’s your story?”, which makes me laugh every time I hear it now. He was, of course, aiming to be charming and funny, but this question applies so beautifully to what I have not shared thus far in this blog. What’s my story? I’ve alluded to bits and pieces over the years, here and there in posts, but usually I divulge only the parts of my story that seem to apply to the conversation at the moment or even the pieces of my past that may be received the best. You know, the least embarrassing stuff.
The truth of it all is that my story is much like many others and very different than so many others. It’s unique to me, yet not unique at all. But what I can tell you is this. My story is one of perfecting the ability to Start Over. Do you know what I love about divorce? Absolutely nothing. It’s horrendous even with all its opportunity for learning. But what comes after divorce … that phase of life where you start again? The Do Over and second change - That’s my jam. That’s the theme of my story. Again and again, when life throws me a curve ball and knocks me down, I get up, reframe, learn something more and start again.
So, I had a difficult childhood. I’m not alone in suffering trauma at a young age, but I do recall a very specific memory from when I was a little girl that stuck with me my entire life. I was crying in the backseat, being reprimanded and punished .. again … with smoke circling the air inside the closed windows of our car that my dad was driving way too fast. Usually the windows were down due to our not having air conditioning in any of our cars. My dad loved classic cars and we had no money, so he bought cars for cheap, got them running again, but AC was never a priority. I remember staring out the window, tears rolling down my cheek and seeing the eyes of strangers in cars we past and thought to myself, “I am meant for more than this.” I knew down to the core of my being that I did not belong where I was made to feel small and where I was constantly told what I was doing wrong. I knew I was meant for more than a life of crying and being scared.
In hindsight, some of that memory is me being dramatic about being a child who got in trouble. Some of that was completely valid. I also know that my parents, while flawed, did the very best they knew how to do, but they did not have the tools needed to do better. As Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.” They simply did not know any better.
What I take away from that story, though, is that I always knew I was meant for more. I always knew how I wanted to feel and I knew I would live a great life. I knew even at a young age, somehow, that I had the power to make things different. That knowing did not come from me. I believe as children, we are closer to God and our instincts are right. Somewhere along the way, the people we love and society convince us that those beliefs are wrong. I may not have known how it was going happen back then and I may have been lost for years, but I found my way. I can help you do the same.
Pretty stereotypically of poor white families with no education, I ended up pregnant in high school. I had big plans to be the first in my immediate family to go to college and live in a dorm. I was accepted to my last choice and was yet I was still looking forward to that new life - outside of my mother’s home. Then, BOOM. Positive pregnancy test in my senior year of high school and my world turned upside down. Suddenly, college seemed impossible. I felt stuck and helpless. Making the CHOICE to have my daughter was the bravest thing I had ever done. Choosing to raise her differently than I was raised meant I was out of my league and had no idea HOW to do that. Just like my parents, I didn’t have the tools, but I decided that I would do right by her and give her everything I never had. So I read books. I made friends with people who also had children, which was tough as an 18 year old. I imitated those that were doing it well. I learned by example and got all sorts of shit wrong. Ask my daughter. She can attest to my failures, but she will be the first to tell you that I broke that cycle.
I’ll fast forward through the middle of the story where I get married, plan my own wedding for $2k, we have another baby, my husband gets cancer & recovers, we get divorced, I get married again, divorced again, then married again, have two more babies. Really, the details aren’t super interesting, but with each divorce is an opportunity to begin again. Each wedding is another chance that THIS marriage that will work. Third time is the charm, right?
Well, here I am divorced for the last time and I started over, again. This time, though, I quit looking at it like I failed. I have so much knowledge now! I took an honest look at my responsibility in those 3 relationships and I can tell you now what I did to contribute to the successes and failures in each of those marriages. It always takes two. I did my part to try to make it work and I did my part to contribute to each one ending. Had I done that work sooner, I would have made different choices and I would have been a better partner the second or third time around. BUT … I would not have this vast experience needed to guide women through every type of divorce that exists - the one you chose, the one you didn’t and the “easy” one and the World War 3 version.
The part of my story that I think gets interesting again is the part where I am again a single mom working in Corporate America. I have purchased my own home for the second time in my life and I’m doing it! I am juggling this single mom life like a boss. I am running myself ragged, but I’m getting it all done. I am drinking way too much wine and I’m not sleeping well at all, but I hire help to do what I can’t do myself. I’m still learning and growing and completely shut off from the idea of having a romantic relationship again. Then, I get let go from my job. The one I wasn’t happy and fulfilled in and the reason I was already looking for another job.
“This is okay,” I think. I will jump back on the horse and find another job. That I do at a company that was not a great fit from the beginning. I suffer for 6 months working more hours per day in an office then I have in years. My kids are at a daycare they hate. We were never home and this home was costing me a small fortune. The work environment did not inspire me or motivate me to do my best work. I was becoming physically ill. Then, the president of the company calls me in to tell me “this just isn’t working out”. I wholeheartedly agreed, but I was still shocked and terrified. I had been looking for 4 of those 6 months for another job and not finding anything else.
I spent the next year soul searching and really doing the work to figure out what I was meant to do. I had spent 20 years in corporate America and did not love the work. I knew I was meant for more. All of a sudden, I was a little girl in the backseat of my father’s car and I knew … if not now, when? So here I am, nearly 2 years later. I’ve written my first novel and I’m writing my second book. I’ll be publishing my self help book early this year and I get to work with women from all walks of life who need a gentle nudge to make it through this “post divorce” slump to start again. Talk about being fulfilled by my work and getting to help people. My ex-husband and I are successfully coparenting our children so well that people tell me that we are “the weirdest divorced couple” they know. I pick up my kids from school every day and I have the flexibility and freedom I spent years praying for. I sleep until my alarm every morning now instead of waking up at 4am with insomnia that lasted until it was time to get up. I’ve broken up with wine. We still hang out occasionally but in a much healthier way. I was made for this life and I want to share all that I’ve learned. It took me decades. Let me give you my cliff notes.
Regardless of the circumstance, what you can be sure of is that when I am knocked down, I will rise again and I will be even better and stronger than before. My story is one of starting over, again and again. Starting over is what I do and I do it well.