Feng Shui Tips For Your Fresh Start
When you are facing a new chapter, whether or not it’s wanted, your environment can greatly impact your overall mood and mental health. Any Start Again moment deserves some intention and choosing on purpose. One of the easiest ways to boost your confidence to face the uncertainty of a new beginning is to start with your home. The energy of your home can be so easily shifted and can be the simplest way to impact positive change for the future.
Feng Shui is an ancient Chinese practice of arranging your environment and the items in it in a way that promotes harmony and balance. It has been credited for attracting wealth, love, and improved health. It is a crazy concept to think that the color of your walls can make the difference between meeting your soul mate or not, but knowing that a running toilet could be causing your recurring unexpected expenses can be a compelling reason to get curious at the very least. While diving into the depths of all that is Feng Shui can be overwhelming and the rules can be quite complex, I’ve simplified the concepts to give you some practical suggestions for a few easy ways to get started. When considering a new path, starting a new venture or merely creating your life with intention, the energy we allow into our homes is crucial. With the following tips, I will help you to do this on purpose.
Out with the old
Before you learn about the bagua map and what each room represents, let’s start by simply clearing out the old stagnant energy. There’s no need to overcomplicate things when a quick declutter session can be so powerful. When it comes to energy, you want to provide it room to enter, move around, and then leave. It’s just like money - it needs to circulate in order to be of use. So the first step with Feng Shui is to clear space and make room for what you are calling in. Before you decide what the picture of your ideal life looks like, you need a blank canvas to paint on.
Walk around your house with a notepad and make note of anything that is broken or needs to be replaced. Tend to repairs first and remove any dead or dying plants and flowers. Spend time in each room sifting and sorting through what items you choose to keep. Those things you use, have, and decorate with matter, but feng shui doesn’t require making new purchases to make it work. Only keep what you love and what represents the future version of you. As Marie Kondo says, your items should Spark Joy when you see them. Does your home provide you with a zing of happiness when you walk in? When clearing out unwanted items, don’t forget to consider what can be gifted, repurposed, and donated to others.
One practical tip I use is to stay in one room at a time. First, it will prevent you from feeling overwhelmed. Second, it allows you to be more efficient with your time. If your ADD tendencies keep you chasing your tail, like me, you’ll appreciate the structure of one room at a time. I make four piles of items as I’m sorting through items in a room: Trash, Donate, Belongs in another room, Sell. Once I am done with a room, I address each pile individually. This method prevents me from wasting time running back and forth from room to room. It also keeps me from getting distracted when I walk into a new room.
Key Items to avoid: Broken items, Dead plants, or flowers. Decaying items can be extremely detrimental to your home’s energy.
In with the new
Before we call in what you want or need moving forward, take a moment to walk through your home or your freshly cleared-out space. How does it feel? Take a moment to appreciate what that space feels like. Do you feel lighter and a little more hopeful? Each time I clear out clutter, I can feel the difference in my body. It feels so nice to let go of unwanted items. I think more clearly. I see more possibilities. It’s a simple process that is extremely powerful.
With this newfound clarity, take your time to think about what you are calling in. This is a great opportunity to spend some time with your journal. I’ve created some helpful journal prompts to cultivate more joy and happiness in your life, but here are some questions to get you started:
What is missing from your life that would make you feel whole and complete?
What isn’t going well? Are these recurring themes?
What do you want to change moving forward?
What do you want more of?
Whether it’s a new relationship, an improved relationship, more travel, or more money, be intentional about choosing what gets to come in. Design your space with your future in mind. Chances are, if you are unhappy with an aspect of your life, your home will tell you why. A friend of mine was eager to meet a new partner and she was frustrated by the lack of dating prospects she was finding. We looked at the floorplan of her home and quickly realized she was missing the relationship qua completely. There was no room there, only a back porch. We applied a few cures to that space and she met her new boyfriend within a few months.
There are three main areas I recommend addressing before any others. These spaces represent every aspect of your life regardless of the exact location they are in the bagua. You can absolutely Feng Shui your entire house. You can paint walls, redecorate, and be as extra as you want about it. However, if you do nothing but declutter and choose what you want moving forward, three areas of your home will be most impacted by any changes you make.
Front Door Chi
The way I was taught Feng Shui was to think of a sweet, little old lady walking down the street named Mrs Chi. We want our house to be so appealing and inviting, that Mrs Chi wants to come in and stay awhile. When you think about your Front Door, consider how welcoming it is. Consider the overall street appeal. There are recommendations based on what type of Feng Shui you follow as to the color of the door and whether or not you have windows or glass, but before you consider replacing your front door, here are some simple shifts you can make that will instantly shift the energy that’s attracted to your home.
We’ve already decluttered and cleaned up the space inside the home, so let’s shift our focus to the entrance of your home. Sweep, clean the windows, and toss any stained or faded items. Repaint or stain the door if it needs repair or updating. Remove any dead plants and bring in fresh ones. Does your wreath need replacing or can you freshen it up a bit? I like to change out my front door wreath based on the season or holiday to keep things fresh, but I also like to use what I have around the house. I will often swap out what’s on the wreath with the decor I already have, but it can be fun to add new items as well. Think fresh, inviting, and welcoming.
Beyond the front door itself, you will also want to consider the path to the door and the entryway once inside. Your front door is the main portal of energy to your home. You want to frequently use this door - even if you regularly enter through another door like the garage. Be sure you open the front door often to allow energy to flow. Clear the walkway and be sure it’s well-lit. Replace any lightbulbs that have burned out. These relatively small changes can make a lasting impact on the overall energy of your home.
Key Items to avoid: Your name on the welcome mat. You don’t want people walking all over you.
Main Bedroom
Some argue this room is the most important in the house. Others claim it’s the kitchen, so let’s address both. Everything you choose for the master bedroom should promote good sleep so you are well-rested and relaxed. First, the bed placement is the most critical element to consider. You want to place your bed in the power position and ideally sleep facing one of your personal power positions. You should be able to see the door when sitting up in bed, but avoid having your feet facing out (the coffin position). Place your bed up against a solid wall, but ideally not under a window or against the wall to the bathroom. Keep the area under your bed clutter-free to promote good energy movement. Ideally, this space is not used for storage, but if it is, choose what is stored here carefully. Avoid old letters from your ex or anything that creates negative energy, movement, or excess action.
Use neutral colors and use the power of twos. You want balance and harmony, but especially if you are calling in a new relationship, be sure to have two nightstands. Choose artwork carefully in this room. You want to avoid photos of moving water, aggressive prey animals, or photos of family if you want to attract romance into your life. Consider how you want to feel in a new relationship or any improvements you want for your existing relationship and be sure the photos and colors you choose for this space promote those feelings.
Your bedroom is intended for sleep and rejuvenation, so when possible, avoid having electronics, work-related items, or exercise equipment in this room. These items represent action and movement, which can prevent the energy in the room from being rest-filled. If your bedroom has to perform double duty, consider creating a separation between your bed and desk or covering your treadmill while you sleep. if you are having trouble turning off work at night or have difficulty focusing on work during the day, having your office in your bedroom may be why. Think about how well you sleep at night and make any changes based on the improvements you’d like to see.
Key Items to avoid: Items that promote movement, action, or life as a single person
Heart of the Home
Most feng shui recommendations for the kitchen are about where it’s placed in the home, the direction the door faces, and other features that are not easily changed or addressed unless you’re building from scratch. Regardless of where your kitchen is located, it is considered the heart of your home and therefore has a huge impact on the overall energy and health of the entire family.
From a practical standpoint, keep the kitchen tidy and clean. Use colors that promote health and prosperity. You want to keep a balanced approach to the kitchen. Incorporating fresh flowers, live plants, or an herb garden can encourage a vibrant and healthy energy to flow through your home. You will also want to have a balance of yin and yang energies. Keep the kitchen well-lit and replace any broken or damaged light fixtures or appliances.
One way to promote a balanced energy in the kitchen is to use all five elements: Water, Fire, Wood, Metal, and Earth. Water from the sink is balanced with the fire from the stove. Cabinets, butcher block counters, or a table made of wood can be balanced with metal appliances or metal bar stools. The earth element is represented by marble or granite counters, tile backsplash, or floors.
Key Items to avoid: sharp knives visible from the entry into the kitchen, dirty stove or bills left on the counter
What now?
When considering a fresh start, the easiest place to impact positive outcomes is to begin with your home. Clean up the energy in the space you live and it will promote good fortune and positive possibilities in every aspect of your life. Feng Shui is all about attracting good energy and clearing out the negative so it can be a powerful tool to create the life you want simply by placing items carefully and taking care of what you already own. It doesn’t require you to remodel any rooms or make massive changes. Small tweaks can mean the difference between continuing to be broke or watching your new business take off.
There are many more in-depth concepts to consider with Feng Shui, but starting with these practical suggestions should get you seeing some positive momentum in no time. Intention is everything, so as you move furniture and bring in new items, claim what you are calling in. Make changes and choose the life you have on purpose.
If you are facing an overwhelming new chapter, download my free Start Again Guide to point you in the right direction.
How I used Reiki principles to minimize conflict with my ex.
This whole notion of co-parenting makes me laugh when I really stop to think about it. Even though I couldn’t manage to stay married to this person, I somehow think it’s possible to successfully work together to raise our children? We agreed on next to nothing when we were married, but we are under the delusion that we will miraculously figure out how to be on the same page about discipline and consequences?
Now listen. He and I have said some pretty terrible things to each other. Our history is tainted with trauma, unhealed wounds, and a good dose of mistreatment. It’s so easy for me to label him as this or that. It’s simple for me to blame him and feel completely justified. And I have. I have spent many nights drinking wine with my girlfriends lamenting this shitty hand I was dealt. I’ve been seething with anger, frustrated by his choices, and just downright hurt by his actions.
And yet. I know this to be true. It is possible to have a successful working relationship with this person you used to be married to.
This is what I always come back to and the question I ask myself to guide my choices:
What is best for my kids?
Last year, I got my Level I Reiki certification and I learned all about this ancient Japanese healing practice. The Reiki Precepts are guidelines for using and working with this healing energy. As a reminder, they are included in the prayer you say at the beginning of each session. It wasn’t until I repeated those precepts out loud that I saw a connection between what I had been doing to cultivate this good working relationship and where I was still getting hung up.
Reiki Precepts:
Just for today, I will let go of anger.
Just for today, I will let go of worry.
Just for today, I will count my many blessings.
Just for today, I will do my work honestly.
Just for today, I will be kind to all living things.
Let go of Anger
If you’ve taken my Chaos to Calm course, you know I am a big proponent of “letting go” of plenty. These first two out the gates are doozies, though. I don’t know about you, but my anger is justified. Here’s what I’ve also learned about anger - it just covers up hurt. Anger serves a purpose if we allow it to help us. Where are you ignoring deep pain? That’s what makes you angry. To let go of anger though? That’s easier said than done. I find it helps to follow a three-step process to let go of anger:
Feel it - allow it - express it. The emotion won’t go anywhere till you give it a little wiggle room. So wiggle, move, walk, dance. It’s important to express the anger, so you can write a letter to say everything you need to without actually saying it to him. You can put the letter away, burn it, or choose to send it later. Then go for a walk. Have a dance party in your livingroom. Hit the gym. Physical activity allows the energy of the emotion to move and leave.
Next, acknowledge the space that’s now empty. Feel the spaciousness of the room that is left. Focus on what’s been cleared out.
Fill up the space with something new. Choose new thoughts that FEEL better. Consciously and with intention, choose how you want to feel instead. Mantras and affirmations can help with the repetition that’s needed to create new thoughts and beliefs.
Just for today, I will let go of anger.
Let Go of Worry
For the single moms out there, worry is like your little security blanket that you take everywhere with you but isn’t actually helping you feel safe. I know because that’s been me. When I have been waiting on child support to hit my account so I can buy groceries, I have worried. When my son has struggled with anxiety, I have worried. When my daughter is dealing with mean girl drama, I have worried. When my kids are with their dad, I have worried. Will they eat healthy food? Will they get to bed on time? Will they be allowed to call me if they are scared?
To be asked to let go of worry has been a tough pill to swallow, but here’s how I’ve done it. I leaned all the way into the first part of this precept. “Just for today”. When I give myself permission to worry tomorrow, it’s easier to let go of it … just for today. I can simply set it down temporarily.
Additionally, when I truly focus on what I have control over, it directs my concern appropriately. This is how I stay in my lane and begin the process to let go of worry. Can I control how quickly an electronic transfer hits my account? No. Can I create a meal from spare ingredients in my pantry? Yes. Can I control how my son reacts to stress at school? No. Can I equip him with coping strategies and teach him what I know about easing anxiety? Yes. Can I control how mean little girls are to my daughter? No. Can I teach her how to use what people say and do to choose her friends wisely? Yes. Can I control what my kids eat, when they go to sleep, or what they are allowed to do at their dads? No. Can I control what I think about when they are with their dad and pray for them and meditate on their safety? Yes. If you want to know my methods, comment below. I’ll write another blog about that!
Just for today, I will let go of worry.
Count My Many Blessings
This one is simply a gratitude practice. I have shared many times my favorite way to get started with journaling and how to practice gratitude. This shit takes practice! Our minds are wired for negativity, to keep us safe and look for problems. We are conditioned to see what’s missing, what’s wrong, or where the problem is to solve. It takes a very intentional effort to be grateful. This is my favorite way to get started.
Gratitude Journaling:
3 to 5 things you are grateful for
1 thing you are proud of
1 thing you are looking forward to
When we cultivate gratitude, our vibration rises. We attract more positive experiences. We begin to look for reasons to be happy and thankful. This is how you change your life. Baby steps are better than no steps. When you are talking about your ex, gratitude can be HARD. Here are some questions to get you started. What does he do well? What does he do for your kids that you can’t do or aren’t good at? What are they learning from him that will serve them well in life? Maybe it’s just that he showed up and is spending time with his kids. Even if he sucks at it, you are getting a well-deserved break. Don’t waste it.
Just for today, I will count my many blessings.
Do My Work Honestly
Listen. For single moms, we know work. We work hard. This part is a given.
To do my work honestly, though, requires a closer look. My “work” is to help women thrive after divorce. To share my experiences honestly has always been a fine line for me. To properly convey I get your struggles because they have been mine is necessary, but to do that in a way that doesn’t betray confidences or disrespect my kids’ need for privacy is a challenge. To do this work honestly sometimes requires sharing the truth about what I’ve experienced, which sometimes makes another person look “bad”. I choose to share through the lense of my experiences, my feelings, and my lessons.
Here’s what I will tell you about honesty and truth. It can be done gently. It can include some grace. I can be honest and not hurtful. So to do my work honestly means I will share my truth because it will help others. I will be careful about the way I speak about my children’s father. I will go out of my way to avoid name-calling, labels, and pointing the finger in a blame game. My feelings and my experiences are valid, though, just like yours.
Just for today, I will do my work honestly.
Be Kind to All Living Things
Now, this last one takes it all to another level altogether. When I first started stating this Reiki precept, I was just thinking about how it meant I should be kind to animals, even spiders that I take outside instead of killing them and squirrels who like to invade my attic. However, when I realized that my ex-husband is also included in the category of “all living things”, it gave me pause. I had to sit with this one. We’ve been cordial. We may not look each other in the eyes, but we hand off kids’ bags and belongings without any tension. We’ve been amicable, but have I been kind? I had to take a good look in the mirror on this one to admit that I don’t think this was true.
I’m well-practiced at not talking shit in front of my kids. I advise on how to speak about our exes while the little people in our lives are listening. Initially, being kind to him meant I bit my tongue. Simply not staying what I was thinking was a tiny step toward kindness. But if I’m being honest with myself and doing my work honestly, being kind to him meant I had to change my thinking. It meant I needed to change the thoughts I was having and not even saying out loud.
Being kind to him meant seeing situations from his perspective and getting curious about how he might feel. I started saying thank you and please. You know, using basic manners I had been reserving for perfect strangers. I ask about his family.
And honestly? I still bite my tongue a lot. I’m human, not perfect.
Just for today, I will be kind to all living things.
Reiki Precepts to Minimize Conflict
When it comes to minimizing conflict with your ex, come back to this question: What is best for your kids? Use that to guide your actions and formulate your thoughts. It will help.
Then repeat after me:
Just for today, I will let go of anger.
Just for today, I will let go of worry.
Just for today, I will count my many blessings.
Just for today, I will do my work honestly.
Just for today, I will be kind to all living things.
Interested in working together? Let’s schedule a Step One Consultation. In just one hour, we will set you on the path toward not giving a shit what your ex says or does!
How Tapping Into Your Dreams Can Reveal Your Subconscious Mind
I found these carved wooden words and hung them in my bathroom as decor when I was manifesting a man. I thought it was a cute play on words and funny decor for a bathroom.
Also, it was really fucking honest about where I was in my willingness to meet my man. I was ready … finally… again … to meet someone and truly learn to be vulnerable within a new relationship. I wanted to put what I had learned since my last divorce into practice.
It was as if my hanging these words on the wall was my signal to the universe, Ok, I’m ready. Let’s get naked!
Cheeky, I know. Little did I realize how much this would become my battle cry of being an entrepreneur and the part my clients struggle with the most.
Get Naked.
When I begin to share my life online, it was a new kind of vulnerability to share and almost welcome feedback about the big and small things I was doing. I was awkward and felt silly. I overshared at times. I deleted posts. I under-shared, too. Another pic of me smiling with very little depth or purpose in the caption? I heard crickets. It took some time to find the balance between being seen and known, but also keeping my private life private. As I came to learn, this whole embracing vulnerability is a dance.
When I first wrote my book and put it out into the world, it felt like I was bearing a part of my soul. Almost as if I was saying: Here, please read my words I’ve poured over and attempted to perfect. I was excited and nervous, but also secretly terrified that people wouldn’t love my baby as much as I did. In the end, it was truly an act of service. In the writing of my book, I shared my journey authentically but did so in hopes that it would help someone else avoid the pitfalls I did. It was truly a labor of love.
Here’s the thing. That is life.
Vulnerability opens you up to it all.
This human experience we all signed up for. Sometimes it leaves us wondering. Occasionally, we are amazed and blown away. Most of the time, we are left saying. “Wait. This isn’t quite what I wanted.”
Only you did. You did sign up for the heartbreak that feels soul-crushing. You wanted the wins that take your breath away and the exhilarating flying-free triumphs. You also wanted the losses that knocked you down a peg and the setbacks that left you scratching your head. You wanted the FULL human experience, the ups and the downs. You are getting that full emotional experience, so you can then learn how to choose and co-create - then choose again.
This idea of getting naked and opening up to true vulnerability. This fear of being seen and truly understood will keep popping up as a theme in your life until you decide you’re ready to face it and you allow it in.
Real-Life Example:
I had a client recently who was encountering this same issue with being vulnerable, but it wasn’t until we spent time interpreting one of her dreams in our session that it all came together and made sense.
Your soul is always speaking to you. The universe is always providing the signs and breadcrumbs to get you where you want to be. Dreams can be a great way to start paying attention to what your subconscious mind is telling you.
My Client’s Dream:
She was in the setting of what seemed like a video game. She had run into an abandoned warehouse and was hiding behind a wall. There were other people running into the building with her. All these soldiers were marching down the road just outside the building. There was a window nearby so she kept peeking out to see if the soldiers were going to see her.
The part of the dream that she kept repeating to me was that she was hiding. She was trying to stay out of sight and that she was hoping they wouldn’t see her.
Dream Interpretation (according to dreammoods.com)
Hiding: To dream that you are hiding suggests that you are keeping some secret or withholding some information. You may not be facing up to a situation or dealing with some issue. However, you may be getting ready to reveal something and confess before somebody finds out. In particular, to dream that you are hiding from some authority figure (police, parent, teacher...), implies feelings of guilt.
Soldier: To see or dream that you are a soldier signifies discipline, structure, rigidity and your staunch attitude. You are imposing your opinions and feelings on others. Alternatively, a soldier means that you are preparing yourself to do battle over an issue. You feel the need to defend your beliefs, values and opinions.
Dreams can uncover themes
Together, we interpreted her dream and uncovered a theme that was playing out in her day-to-day life. In our work together, I already knew that she was in the midst of online dating and running into issues getting from Date #1 to Date #2. I also knew that she was purposely not including anything about her daughter in her profile and intentionally not mentioning that she is a mom actively raising a child. She was completely turned off by all the men she kept finding who put their kid’s photos in their profiles - she felt strongly against it. She had the limiting belief that men wouldn’t be interested in her or would lose interest once they found out she had an 8-year-old.
In our session, I connected the dots for her. She wasn’t seeing the relevance of her dream to her waking life. I pointed out that she was using this strongly held belief about not using children’s photos in dating profiles to hide the fact that she is a mom. Coincidentally, we both agree that kids’ photos should be kept out of dating profiles. However, using that to completely omit that she had a child was different. She was losing an opportunity to be vulnerable and put herself out there as a Single MOM who is looking for love. We dug into her limiting belief about how she would be accepted and created a new plan for revealing this truth about her life in a way that honored keeping her daughter’s face private and still allowed her to show up authentically. She felt a bit naked but agreed that this was a much more genuine approach that she had been taking.
Questions to ask yourself:
In what ways are you being called to Get Naked?
How are you not showing up authentically?
Where can you offer more vulnerability?
Oftentimes, using your dreams to interpret what your subconscious is trying to tell you can be an easy first step. I encourage you to listen, observe, and get curious. Start by keeping a dream journal and simply jot down the dreams you remember upon waking. The seemingly silly or bizarre ones usually hold the biggest clues.
When you still can’t make heads or tails of it, pull in another set of eyes to look at the situation. This is one of my favorite ways to gain clarity with clients. The first session working with me can be incredibly eye-opening when we start by interpreting a dream. We start with super complex problems and create a simple plan of action. We dig into the super fucking weird dreams that make no sense and connect the dots.
If you’re hitting a wall and feeling stuck, let’s start by taking a closer look at your dreams.
Book a Clarity Call with me - we’ll get you started!
Life Hack for Better Sleep
The thing about sleep is you know you need it.
Science actually proves the human body requires sleep to grow and heal. Sleep allows your brain to process what you’ve learned. The National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke says:
“Sleep affects almost every type of tissue and system in the body – from the brain, heart, and lungs to metabolism, immune function, mood, and disease resistance. Research shows that a chronic lack of sleep, or getting poor quality sleep, increases the risk of disorders including high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, depression, and obesity.”
Any mom who has survived sleep deprivation knows how important sleep is. It’s a lifeline and a requirement to function correctly the next day. Those early days with a newborn are often remembered fondly - those first smiles, the smell of a baby’s head, or the cute footed pajamas - but in the back of your mind, hidden beneath the momnesia that convinces you “it wasn’t so bad”, you also recall the brain fog that comes from lack of sleep. It was on those sleep-deprived mornings that you poured breastmilk into your coffee instead of creamer or went to work with two different shoes.
Fast forward to the time the same child was so sick you stayed awake most of the night to make sure they were breathing. When they are so congested that the only way they could stay asleep was to sit upright leaning against your chest while you sit upright in the rocking chair. You might have managed a few winks, but any time they moved, you woke up. Then the next morning, you were running on fumes and irritable, and easily confused. Words escaped you when you reached for them. You weren’t as sharp in your meetings and no amount of caffeine was enough.
Good ole sleep deprivation. We as moms know it well.
Life with a newborn or having a sick child certainly is the more extreme reason for being sleep deprived, but not getting enough sleep or consistently getting low-quality sleep can be just as detrimental. Waking up frequently throughout the night, regular insomnia or just trying to survive on fewer hours per night than your body truly needs can take its toll.
Are you getting enough sleep?
According to the Mayo Clinic, most adults need 7 or more hours of sleep each night. While this varies from person to person, adults actually need 7 to 9 hours of sleep but many moms I know are getting far less. There are people who believe they can train themselves to require less, but that is simply a myth.
There is so much pulling you away from getting good quality sleep. Stress and anxiety are at the forefront, but the pace of information flooding your brain each day between social media and work is intense. Multi-tasking and jumping back and forth between mom responsibilities and your career alone are enough to keep your brain in overdrive. The nonstop expectations to produce and accomplish are affecting your ability to fully shut off at night. So you wake before you are ready and stay up too late binging Netflix just to get a sense of relaxation and rest. Are you truly sleeping well, though?
You know sleep is important, but you might also struggle to actually sleep when you’ve laid your head on the pillow. Whether it’s waking up too frequently, tossing and turning, or full-on insomnia robbing us of good quality sleep, you may be at a loss to know HOW to get good rest.
We can know it’s important all the live-long day but sometimes life makes it seem impossible.
I have a solution for you.
It’s a very simple gratitude practice that I promise is actually easy, too. This is a tried and true recipe for a good night’s rest. It works without fail, every time I do it. I’ve had multiple clients use this practice and report back with extremely positive results:
Less tossing and turning
Good quality and solid sleep
Waking up feeling fully rested
Reduced insomnia
Remembering more of their dreams
The entire goal is to get into the frequency of gratitude and love as you fall asleep. This is different than the Gratitude Journaling activity I’ve talked about many times. It’s not about a specific number of people you list or how many items you check off your list. It’s just about putting your body, mind, and spirit in a place of feeling gratitude as you enter your sleep state.
Gratitude Practice for Good Sleep:
Spend a few minutes thinking about all the ways you can be grateful for the day you just experienced just before you drift off to sleep.
Thank the people in your life for showing up the way they did.
Thank God for the abundance you had showered on you throughout the day.
Thank the Universe for all the pleasant exchanges you had with strangers.
Express gratitude for all the ways you felt loved.
Thank Source for each person in your life and what you admire about them.
Be thankful for the beautiful places you got to be today.
Thank God for all the things you have today that you use to pray for.
Thank yourself for the good sleep you are about to have.
Set the intention to have restful sleep and to wake up feeling energized. Be grateful - in advance - for the good night’s rest that you are about to have.
When you wake up in the morning, make note of your sleep. Do you feel more rested? Take a minute to express some gratitude (and be amazed) that this shit really does work.
I would love to hear how this works for you! Comment below or send me a DM on Instagram!
To learn more about my Gratitude Journaling method mentioned above, download your Free Journal Prompts Here.
You want to write a book, too?
When I think back to the first time I had the thought that I’d like to write a book, I recall a very timid, young teenager. I was sixteen and was on a trip to California to visit my grandmother. She was a single mom of 10 children who put herself through college. When I tell you this woman was amazing, I tell no lies.
While I was there this particular summer, she shared with me two very important things: a confession of a dream she once had and also her personal library. She had always wanted to travel the world and write stories like James A. Michener. I actually tried to read one of his books, but they were so long that I found them a bit tedious. My grandmother was an avid reader though and told me I could read any book from her shelves.
I have spoken about this many times before, but this moment was so profound for me that it bears repeating. By learning about her desire to be an author and seeing the longing in her eyes for an unrealized dream, I learned two things:
I could also have the desire to write a book. I could dream bigger.
~ AND ALSO ~I didn’t want to have regrets at the end of my life, feeling as if I missed an opportunity.
So when. I finally decided I could maybe write a book …
That’s when the imposter syndrome kicked in:
What did I know about writing a book?
I am raising children and working full time - I don’t have time to write a book!
Who would even want to read what I wrote?
I am not smart enough to write an intelligent book.
What would I even write about?
How in the hell do I get published?
Could I make any money?
So if you have the same dream to write your own book, I have four tips for you:
One - You Should Absolutely Write The Book You Are Being Called To Write.
You are not given dreams and desires that are not meant for you. Just because you want to is reason enough. The desire to write a book means you have a story that needs to be told. It doesn’t matter if 4 other people have written a similar book. Your audience needs to hear it the way you will tell it.
Think about how many books you’ve read on the same topic or within the same genre. It doesn’t matter that someone else has already done it.
YOU have not told YOUR story in your voice ... yet.
Another thing to mention here is that you can simply write a book without any expectations for what it becomes. I actually wrote my first children’s book for my son. It’s a super cute story called Luke the Litterbug all about a little boy who litters so much that he turns into a beetle. I never published this book but told it to my son as his bedtime story for years. Sometimes, just writing the story for you or someone you love will be enough.
Writing takes practice. Your first ones will be crappy. Nothing may come of it other than the fact that you will be able to say - I wrote a book. The confidence that comes from that will skyrocket you to the next and another and another.
Two - Learn What You Don’t Know.
You can do hard things. Learning what your writing process is will be a journey. You will stumble. You will make mistakes.
Maya Angelou said: when you know better, you do better.
So, don't expect perfection along the way, and be willing to learn what you don’t know. You don’t have to know all the things to accomplish things. You just need to commit to reading the books, finding the teachers, using your resources, and learning what you need to know.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t know how to get published, how to have your book edited, or where to start.
You have to write it before it can be published.
You can learn from people who know what you don’t yet know. You can learn new technology. You can learn to use new tools. You can do whatever you set your mind to. But first … you have to write.
Three - Baby Steps Will Get You There.
Setting a lofty goal like writing a whole book will likely take a long time. So maybe Stephen King is knocking out new stories in 6 months, but I guarantee his first one was not that fast. Your first book will take you longer. Your learning curve will take time. Creating a new process and forming a new habit takes time.
My first real book after the children’s book was a novel called Divine Tragedy. It took me a year and a half to write it. I waited for big pockets of time before I sat down to write. I waited for creative inspiration to hit before I would write anything. My divorce book was done in 5 months.
Here’s what I can tell you from those three very different experiences. Being able to break it out into smaller, more manageable steps is crucial. For me, setting realistic word goals were most important.
Knowing how many words you want to write each day or every week will be a great way to keep yourself on task. I easily set out to write 10k words each week at one point. Let me let you in on a little secret. That’s not super realistic with two small children at home. But finding 15 minutes to write every other day? That’s doable.
In 15-minute increments, in stolen moments, and one day at a time, those baby steps along the way will get you there!
Four - Just Write
You can’t edit a blank page. This is the best advice I was given. In those moments when you are facing a blank page and don’t know where to start, just write. Put crappy words down on the page so you can get some momentum flowing. Editing is a separate phase. Don’t edit as you go, just write. Your first goal is just to get words on a page so you have something to work with.
Editing uses the right, more logical side of your brain. Writing uses the left side which is the more creative part of your brain. You want to make sure that you’re not trying to do both at one time. You want to step fully into the creative zone and write, write, write. Then in another phase, you will sit down and be analytical and logical and you will edit in a separate stage.
This is the best advice because it will get words on paper and it will help you get that first crappy manuscript draft done. And then you get to edit it.
Don’t worry - every first draft is crappy. Your only goal during the writing phase is to get it done.
When it comes to taking these concepts and putting them into action, we sometimes need some accountability or someone to hold our hand and show us the way. I truly believe when the student is ready, the teacher appears. If you are looking for that sort of guidance, I welcome you into my new program.
Become an Author - Faster than you think
This program is so special.
It’s two things: one part book club & one part learning how to write your own book.
You will get to watch my process and learn from me. I will teach you what you need to know to create your own manuscript. You will also get to read my next book as I write it.
I am ready to write my next book! This one is going to be so fun and entertaining. Way less serious than the divorce book was. This is going to be all about dating later in life. Dating mid-life after life has kicked you around a little bit and you’re dipping your toes back into this arena to find love or just a warm body. No judgment. It is going to be anecdotes and stories about dates gone wrong and dates that ended up going really well. Lots of humor and lots of fun.
You get to read this as I write it!
The program is built in a 6-month container with the first two months being weekly lessons. I am going to teach you as I write. You will learn how to knock through imposter syndrome. I will teach you what you need to know about the different publishing options at the end. I will teach you how to set aside time for writing and how to make time when you think you do not have the time to write a book. I assure you - you do.
For 8 weeks, we will have weekly lives lessons followed by monthly live Q&A sessions. Where are you getting stuck? What do you need help with? During this time, you will get to read my book as I’m writing it. Each of you will become my accountability partner. This is key to getting any piece of work done. I will hold you accountable and you get to do the same for me. Just think by the end of this year, you could have your first book done.
You will learn my process AND what you need to know about creating your own. So it is a book club in that you get to read mine as I write it. You’ll get your own signed copy at the end. You also get to read each other’s books.
The other exciting thing about this program is that it is going to be a community of new authors. You are not the only one who wants to write a book and doesn’t quite know how. You will be in a group of writers just like yourself starting out.
One of the things I did not know the first time I set out to write a book is this. When you‘re in this editing phase and you’re ready to start getting a step closer to publishing your book, you need readers. Clearly, I knew you need readers for a published book, but I didn’t realize how important beta readers were to the entire process. In those early stages, you need someone to just read it and say “yep, that makes sense” or “I like the direction you’re going” or “have you thought about this?” This community we are building gives you those beta readers built in.
The other aspect of “you need people to read your book” is when you publish your book, reviews are crucial to getting to that best-seller status. When you have a newly published book, getting folks to read it is the first challenge, and then reviewing it is the second and more difficult challenge. So we are all committing to each other within the walls of this program that we will read each other’s books, we will leave reviews and we will help each other get to best seller status. So by participating in this program, you will get to read other people’s stories and leave reviews for them, but I am committing to each of you to read your book.
Which means, you have to write your story first.
So by participating in this program, I will teach you how to get there and I will show you how I do it. It’s called Published, It’s not your average book club.
I am excited to welcome you call into this program. It’s going to be super fun.
For those of you who said at the beginning of 2022 that your resolution was to write a book this year, this is your sign and the time is now.
Join Us - We’re Going To Write Books!
Do you know why depressed people sleep so much?
It’s the closest thing to dying. The quicksand that is depression feels empty and like toxic sludge. It pulls you under and feels like you’re sinking down into the depths of dark despair. It feels like sinking or circling a drain. You feel helpless and it all feels hopeless. The only desire is a longing to just give up. To be done. To just make the misery stop.
So, we sleep.
And there is a spiritual reason, as well. Our bodies know it’s the best way to stop the momentum. The negative thoughts spiral. The toxic energy that’s taken over - sleep is the best way to stop it. It’s a perfect reset button. To just hit pause on all that negativity that is spiraling out of control.
The thing about this particular mood disorder is there are many flavors. There are several causes and there isn’t a one size fits all solution. It’s not really a problem to fix, per se. It’s more of an exercise of persistence. Many believe the opposite of depression is happiness, but it’s not. The opposite is purpose. To find meaning in the meaningless abyss. To find purpose in the matrix of this make-belief reality. For all the ways we human beings are complex and unique, our mood disorders are too.
So for one person, it may be more of a depressive state that you wrestle with from time to time, or perhaps it’s all-consuming seasonally. Depression for some is an everyday battle that never fully releases its hold. For someone else, it may be crippling anxiety that doesn’t allow you to sleep well. Yet, for others, we may be feeling so disconnected from our feelings that escapism seems to be the only viable solution. This desire to escape looks different for each person too. It could be an addiction that allows you to numb the feelings. It could be escaping into a fictional reality like TV or video games. Everyone’s “vice” is different. All subjective to our human conditioning and natural inclinations.
When it comes to depression, though, this one gets a lot of attention. It’s the only mood disorder that literally screams out for help and gets people’s attention because of suicide. Even in all the ways, we are becoming more conscious of this “mental health struggle”, it doesn’t really get to the heart of the matter. We are only paying closer attention because people are fucking killing themselves.
The reason you hear seemingly silly suggestions for people who are struggling with depression is that it’s a slow climb out. This isn’t the moment for giant leaps of faith. It’s not something you can just snap out of or talk your way to a better feeling place with affirmations. Quite honestly, most of that takes too much effort. Newsflash: not one depressed person wants to feel that way. At a time when energy is at an all-time low, when the essence of who you are feels completed depleted, the only small steps that are possible are things like taking a walk, sitting outside, drinking water, or taking a shower. Small, tiny baby steps that don’t require a massive amount of energy and that will make incremental steps forward. It’s only about finding moments of reprieve and minuscule soothing. You know I’ve often said: baby steps are better than small steps. It’s true.
If you know someone who is struggling with depression, do me a favor and don’t ask them how you can help. They don’t know what they need. Show up. Sit with them. If you can’t be there in person, text them or call. When they don’t answer, keep trying. Don’t try to find the “right thing to say” because there isn’t one. You can tell them how much you care. You can remind them of people who love them. You can offer to help. In all reality, what they need is to vocalize their thoughts. They need to connect with other human beings. They need to physically move the energy that is stuck. They need to remember what it feels like when they take care of their body, feed their mind, and connect with their spirit. You might find this guide helpful. It’s a list of the best questions to ask your loved one.
Depression isn’t a happiness problem. It’s a connection issue. Feeling disconnected from people, God or meaning. Walking someone toward their own purpose is what’s needed. Finding a reason to connect with people is important. Allowing them to both tap into their own inner wisdom or guidance while balancing being present and connected in this human experience. It’s a dance and the balance looks different for everyone. The secret is for each person to find their own and honor it. And that, my friends, is the very first step to “battling depression.”
If you want my 10 step guide to crawling out of depression, download your copy here.
What My 3 Divorces Taught Me
Do you know what I love about divorce?
Absolutely nothing. Even with all its opportunity for growth, it’s still horrendous. The universal truth about all divorces is they suck. Even the “best”, most amicable ones are still terrible. Here’s what I also know to be true … being divorced doesn’t mean anything about your character. It has no way of defining your future unless you let it. It’s always a chance for a fresh start and with new opportunities comes the possibility of something better.
Divorce Sucks, but your life doesn’t have to.
Now … what comes after divorce, that phase of life where you get to start again, the do-over, and second-chance - that’s my jam. I have perfected the art of dusting myself off after a loss and starting again. Along my path to mid-life, divorced three times, single mom and entrepreneur, I have learned quite a bit.
Here are my top lessons that come from being a three times divorcee. (because you know it sounds fancy and bougie when you put a cute label on it.)
Our mistakes don’t define us
Try telling someone you’ve been divorced three times and see if that doesn’t make them think they know something about you. I certainly thought it did mean something about me for awhile. There is this phase of life after divorce - the guilt, the shame and society’s view on divorce - had me believing there was something wrong with me. The world says: You are divorced, so you are broken, damaged, and a failure.
When I found myself divorced for the third time, I actually believed it all .. and then some.
Until one day, I didn’t. I woke up and decided that this life experience didn’t actually mean anything about me as a person. I’m not a failure unless I choose to be. I am not a broken individual. I am quite healthy and strong actually. I was damaged from those heartbreaks, but I have healed. I, in fact, have succeeded in many ways. I have become an example to my children on how to be independent even when I didn’t want to be, how to make difficult choices in the face of massive uncertainty, how to learn new skills and love myself enough to leave when necessary. I did make mistakes in those marriages and in my life overall, but those mistakes don’t define who I am.
Those mistakes only show the outside world where I’ve been - not who I am.
Our past doesn’t determine our future
Single moms can feel as if they are destined to a life of struggle and sacrifice. The term alone has a negative connotation when you think about it. We all picture the same thing don’t we? Less money, no time, frazzled and alone. Being divorced, though, doesn’t have to mean anything about where you go from here, unless you choose to let it.
Your past is only where you’ve been. It has no bearings on where you go from here.
The future can be amazing. It can hold new career opportunities, living in places you’ve only dreamed of or falling in love again. This second phase is completely up to you to define and make happen. Your future is not already determined and has very little to do with where you came from. My second phase had me leaving the comforts of Corporate American with all its chaotic requirements and unfulfilling conference calls for a new life as an entrepreneur filled with freedom, flexibility and ultimate fulfillment. I published my first book and finally got paid to actually help people.
While starting again after divorce can be quite daunting, it really does hold infinite possibilities.
We can always start again
Regardless of the past, mistakes or divorces, we are always starting again. It may not feel that way in the moment. When looking ahead after a big loss, it can feel hopeless.
With every fall, though, we have the ability to choose to get back up, dust ourselves off and start again.
You may have seen this Olympic commercial from several years back, but it always warms my heart. We see children of all ages falling down and their moms picking them back up. They start as toddlers learning to walk, then we see small hockey players falling on the hard cold ice. Next we see teenage athletes with bigger and bigger falls. Images fill the screen of moms applying bandages, taking off sopping wet uniforms, tears and ice packs. The end of the commercial shows Olympic athletes all looking out into the audience with the universal Thanks Mom look on their faces. For teaching us that falling only makes us stronger. Cue the waterworks, right?
The thing about this life after divorce is we can do that for ourselves. We can take a deep breath, get back up and start again. We can recognize this fall as only a temporary stumble. We can choose to see our future as a blank slate, a new opportunity and the possibility to build something great. You and I both get to create a beautiful life.
We are never too old. It’s never too late.
Semi colon moment
My third divorce felt monumental, as you can imagine. It felt like giving up when, in reality, I was not the one who wanted the divorce. I was holding on - kicking and screaming - to that tumultuous marriage just to NOT get divorced … again. Inevitably, I found myself in familiar territory and it felt like my life was over. The pity party that came next was impressive by any drama queen’s standards. Then, while scrolling through Pinterest one day, I found a saying about a semi-colon and it flipped the script for me.
A semi-colon is where an author could have ended the sentence, but chose to continue.
This resonated with me so deeply that I instantly realized - my story isn’t over. It will continue. I will keep going.
So, I took pause, regrouped, and began writing the end of my story. I also got a semi-colon tattoo on my wrist so I see it every day as a reminder that where I go next is always up to me.
It’s only an ending if you want it to be.
Is this your semi-colon moment? If you are ready to Start Again, but don’t know where to start, sign up for The Breakup Bundle - designed for the single mom who is short on time and money.
Why you should throw all the rules out the window when you’re building a new business.
There’s a reason why you’ll see advice every which way to Sunday on how to start a business, build a social media following or the steps needed to make it successful.
No matter what it is you’re looking to do, there is never any shortage of experts available to share their “must have” strategy.
The challenging part is to discover which will work for you, right?
We have a tendency to believe there is a secret to being successful and we just need to tap into that wisdom.
If you’re like me you’ve likely spent time, money and energy trying to recreate someone else’s success by following their advice only to learn another method that contradicts that from someone else.
Here’s the thing. We are all unique.
We have different skillsets, talents and goals.
The way we learn is different.
There are so many ways to explain why this is true.
Human Design, Astrology, Numerology all attempt to explain it from a spiritual perspective.
Birth Order, our childhood experiences and the society we’re born into will describe how our environments shape who we are.
The fact of the matter is - it’s all correct and accurate if that’s what you are inclined to believe.
As a result, that is also why knowing how to make your business successful will have just as many recommendations on what you should do.
I’ve created a three step method that has proven success time and time again with my clients.
It’s a simple process that silences the noise and points you in the right direction.
Coincidentally, it’s why you should throw all the “rules” out the window.
Step one -Test & Repeat
By all means, I recommend learning what strategies are recommended.
We are living in the information age. There is no longer an excuse for anyone to not do something because they don’t know how.
You literally have information at your finger tips.
The internet has brought its share of challenges which can be debated, but there is a wealth of knowledge available to anyone at any time. You can learn all you need to know with a quick google search.
It’s no longer necessary to complete a long certification process and traditional learning in a classroom is simply not the only way to gain knowledge anymore.
You have unlimited resources now when it comes to learning a new strategy, set of rules or process to build a successful business.
The challenge is knowing which is right for you.
Step one is to test and repeat.
Gather information, try it out and see what your results are.
Then try another method, look at the data and test again.
It’s through the process of trying out new strategies that you’ll find what works for you and in the process what doesn’t.
Step two - Do More of what works and less of what doesn’t.
It seems like common sense, doesn’t it? I see it time and time again, though.
New entrepreneurs are pushing their way through building a social media following because everyone tells them they should.
Focusing more time and energy on the right hashtags, engagement activities and achieving that little blue checkmark but it’s not actually resulting in new clients.
When it comes to building an audience, it matter less about what strategy you are using and more about what works.
Where are YOUR people. That’s where you need to be.
How do they want to engage with you?
What has been effective thus far? Do more of that.
If social media isn’t working, why do you continue to bark up that tree?
For every “rule” there is, you will find another that contradicts it.
Some will swear by their strategy about sending DM’s in LinkedIn while another expert is touting their method for super successful Facebook ads.
Yet another expert will be recommending their brilliant networking strategy that is guaranteed to book clients.
My challenge to any new entrepreneur is to pay attention what has worked, what feels natural and simply do more of that.
Quit spinning your wheels on all the things you’ve been told to do that simply aren’t working for you and your business.
Pay more attention to your results than the never ending list of recommendations from experts.
You are the expert when its comes to your business - what you are attempting to accomplish and why?
step three - Tap into your inner wisdom & intuition.
The one piece of advice I give more often than anything else is:
Trust your gut.
It’s the easiest way to describe what it means to follow your own intuition.
Your inner being, your highest self, the universe, source, God are all ways of describing the same thing.
There is a universal wisdom that we as humans can tap into, but we are not trained to do this.
You have access to the blueprint that you need for your success here on earth.
It’s your intuition that allows you to be guided.
Follow the whispers and it will lead you to what works for you and your business.
It will direct you to the “right” expert, the new strategy, the idea in the shower to follow up on. It’s what reminds you to call an old friend at the right moment.
It’s what will lead you to the one opportunity that has the biggest impact.
Tapping into the wisdom that we all have access to takes practice.
It’s takes some time to build trust in ourselves.
It is the result of following the hits of intuition and seeing positive results that builds your confidence.
Then, rinse and repeat.
Keep testing.
Do more of what works, less of what doesn’t.
Follow your own intuition.
This is the three step method to a successful business. Simple. Not necessarily easy, but proven, effective and true.
Ready to get started? Let’s Chat! on a complementary intro call - how to start your new business when you don’t know where to start.
3 Reasons We Self Sabotage & How to Stop
What's your favorite way to self-sabotage? You know what I'm talking about. That moment when things start to go well. Like so well, that you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then, it doesn't and things are still ... just good. 😳
So ...
🤦🏻♀️ You pick a fight.
🤦🏻♀️ Find a reason to be upset - for no reason at all.
🤦🏻♀️ You yell at your kids.
🤦🏻♀️ You get annoyed in traffic.
Yup - enter our friend, self-sabotage. Only, it's not really your friend, is it? There are three reasons we do this.
One - our Comfort Zone
In The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks describes this concept so well. We have a threshold for happiness. There is a certain amount of happiness that we are accustomed to. For a lot of us, that’s not very much. Most of us are used to being in “fix it” mode and our brains are used to solving problems. This means, our minds are always searching for the next problem to solve. Looking for something to be wrong. Once we bump up against this top boundary of our comfort zone, we get uncomfortable. It’s weird and strange and we don’t like being outside of what feels “normal”, so we create a problem to solve.
Enter Self Sabotage. This is the most common reason we ruin our own happiness. We simply aren’t accustomed to feeling that happy for that long, so we do something to bump us back down to feeling just sorta kinda happy, but not really. Example. So things are going well for you and you are finally in a relationship … just like you’ve been wanting. You have been single for so long and you met this dream partner. You’re having fun getting to know him/her and it feels really good. What’s the problem? There isn’t actually a problem. You’re happy. It feels good. For too long.
Your comfort zone is only feeling a little happy. Or only for so long. When it starts to feel unfamiliar, our brains do what they do. Look for a problem. When there isn’t one, we create one. We pick a fight over which restaurant to eat at or how to unload the dishwasher. It’s not that you really care about either, but you are back in your comfort zone. You’re happy, but not too happy. it’s in those moments that you can begin to recognize what the real issue is. You can flex this happiness muscle a bit and allow yourself to feel into the uncomfortable. You can teach yourself how to make the leap to more. I like to use this mantra: The Better It Gets, The Better It Gets.
two - experience creates our expectations
So, another aspect of this concept is simply that our experience has taught us what to expect and helped us to form beliefs. History has shown us what we think will happen next - from people, environments, etc. When you go to the grocery store, you know you’ll be bombarded with the “finding everything okay?” questions at every turn. You’ve had enough people ask you enough times that now you expect it. You know that being in the grocery store means people will ask you repeatedly so you don’t even register the interruption anymore.
What do you do, though, when you realize you’ve experienced less ideal situations that you don’t want to repeat. You’re in a healthy relationship now, but you’ve always dated assholes. When you’re happy and have the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop is a good indication that your experiences have created your expectation that something will go wrong next. The challenge is that just because that’s the way it’s always been, doesn’t mean that’s the way it has to always be moving forward. You get to teach yourself how to create new expectations. The first step is always recognizing where you’ve got a belief that needs changing. Then, you get to practice.
I like to use “it is safe” affirmations in this situation. It is safe to be happy. It is safe to be in a loving relationship. it is safe to be loved. It is safe to be cared for. It’s a good way to sit in that happiness that feels uncomfortable because history has shown you as soon as you’re happy, someone is mean to you. Or that people aren’t as sweet and kind as they seem in the beginning. In whatever way your experience has taught you to expect something bad to happen or something to go wrong, you get to pick a new story.
three - are you worthy of more?
At the root of each of these previous reasons is what is always there for everyone. There is a sense of “do I deserve this?” when you’re in a happy place. When our experiences have taught us to expect not so great things for long enough, we start to believe that we don’t deserve to be that happy. it’s usually not a conscious thought thought, though, and can take some effort to uncover. These underlying beliefs that limit our potential - it’s why they are called limiting beliefs. We believe things about ourselves that is holding us back. It keeps us from being happier. It keeps us from going where we want to go.
One of the reasons we self sabotage is simply because we don’t believe we deserve to be that happy. Pretty messed up when you see it in someone else. Just as messed up when you see it in yourself. Of course, you deserve to be happy. You are worthy of every desire you have. I am worthy affirmations are a good way to change the belief, but also to recognize where the limiting beliefs are.
When you say, “I am worthy of more”, it’s vague enough to get behind it. As you get more specific, though, it can uncover where you don’t actually believe you deserve more. I am worthy of being a millionaire. I am worthy of a healthy relationship. I am worthy of gifts for no reason. I am worthy of people being kind to me. I am worthy of … Keep going until you bump up against one that feels not quite true. Well, other people are but not me. 👈 Limiting Belief to change.
Self Sabotage is a familiar comfort zone, but one that is not doing us any favors. it’s not until you decide you want more that you get to practice allowing it in. You get the opportunity to teach yourself how to want more and how to allow yourself to receive it. As always, change can feel hard, but it doesn’t have to be. It get to be easy and fun!
A goal without a plan is just a wish
As you go, taking action, one step at a time, the path unfolds before you.
Trust it’s there and it will be.
When I tell you I’ve done things before I was ready or taken these grand leaps of faith even when I was scared, it’s true.
But there have been plenty of days when I couldn’t force myself to leave my couch.
Instead, I binged Netflix all day and started drinking wine at noon.
Or I holed away and hid in a good book.
Or avoided what I “should” be doing and took my kids swimming instead.
Not my finest hour or wisest admission, perhaps, but honest.
Let’s be real.
We are all human and being overwhelmed is a natural instinct, especially when starting something new and embarking on big adventures.
So my advice is to start small when the end goal seems too big.
When I’m staring at a blank page and willing myself to write, I will tell myself, “you can’t edit a blank page.”
The same philosophy applies to most things.
I haven’t experienced anything in my life that requires perfection out of the gates.
So write a crappy first draft so you have something to edit.
Then, move onto the next phase of making it pretty.
Many times, the nudge is all that’s needed to get started and then momentum takes over.
As you write, you build confidence.
After you create your online dating profile and you start to see matches, you’re more confident to move the next step.
As you allow yourself to dream, you begin to see what’s actually possible.
The momentum of success will propel you forward.
Give yourself permission to make some progress and stop aiming for perfection.
You want to know what I’ve learned from all of the courses I’ve taken and all the books I’ve read and all the coaches I’ve hired?
They all say the same thing using their own words: Do the damn thing.
Just remind yourself: It’s never too late & You’re never too old.
Here’s your first step …The “ You Got This” Method.
3 things I wish I would have known when starting my business
One - You know more than you think you know
This is really the same old adage to trust your gut written a new way. We all know more intuitively about what direction we need to go in, what will sell and what we should be doing. It’s easy to feel uneducated, under certified or as if we are missing some wisdom that only the most successful entrepreneurs know. The reality is, though, we know who we are being called to serve. Whether you are selling the newest widget or offering personalized services, you know who you are doing it for.
You know what they need and what they want. Hint - this isn’t usually the same thing.
We all too often will second guess ourselves, feel doubt creep in and find all sorts of reasons why we are not the person to do this super special thing. Nonsense. This is just Imposter syndrome kicking in and it affects every single person who ventures into new territory. It does’t matter if you’re wanting to write a book, start a new business or even just looking for a new job. Our minds will come up with every reason why we should not do this new scary thing because our brains are wired to keep us safe.
If you say in your comfort zone, your overactive mind has done what it was designed to do - protect you from danger.
You’ll also remain bored, unfulfilled and burnt out. Nothing good ever came from comfort zones. It’s where dreams go to die. So if you’re looking at a new venture, go back to your why often. Why am I doing this? Who needs what I have to give? What will happen to them if you are selfish and keep your gift to yourself?
Two - Filter out the noise
If you are a brand new coach, you will be bombarded with new “friend” requests, sponsored ads and networking opportunities with people who are doing what you are doing - coaching others based on what they know. One expert will be claiming their one post will snag you the clients you want that will get you to the elusive $10k/month mark. The next expert has the solution to Facebook ads - stop wasting your money & sign up for their program! The very next expert will be touting their LinkedIn strategy that go them to their first month of a waiting list filled with ideal clients.
Choose your platform carefully.
What social media platform are YOU drawn to and where are YOUR people? Start there. Ignore the rest. Go deep on one at a time and commit to adding others later. Learn all you can about the algorithms and what is most effective within that ONE platform before you get overwhelmed with anything more. Remember: the whole goal should be to get that audience off that platform and on your email list.
Vet the experts.
What do you love about their success? What is it about their vibe, expertise or knowledge that attracts you to them? Are they claiming to teach you how to attract clients organically but you found them through paid advertising? Pay attention to a select few to minimize the noise.
Limit your consumption.
Once you decide on your strategy, stop listening. Stop looking for the next piece of advice. Stop scrolling through social media and start doing what you were called to do. Clean up your feed. Unfollow the accounts that aren’t in line with your strategy. Stop paying attention to the people who don’t mesh with your vibe. Seriously and very intentionally limit the information you are consuming and who it’s from.
Three - Test for free
Social media is a bittersweet creation, if you ask me. It’s brilliant in all the ways we can reach the masses who need what we have to give. The vast amount of information that’s available at our fingers tips is astounding. It’s also a cesspool of vile and ugly sides of humanity.
It’s a black hole for procrastination.
The breading ground for insecurity and soul crushing comparisons.
And yet, it’s brilliant for testing and growing a new business for free.
Everyone will tell you to create free content and free offers as a mechanism to growing your email list. It’s easy, it is free and it can reach strangers on the internet who need you.
This is the best advice I never got: If that FREE content doesn’t convert - do NOT put money behind marketing it.
Instead, go back to the drawing board. Create and test again. Analyze your results. Rinse and repeat.
Only when you free content is converting do you know you have something that works.
THAT is what you put ad spend behind. That is what you amplify with increased traffic through digital marketing.
I have an unpopular belief: It doesn’t take money to make money. It just takes creativity.
So You Want To Write a Book?
When I think back to the first time I had the thought that I’d like to write a book, I recall a very timid, young teenager. I was sixteen and had just returned from a trip to California to visit my grandmother. While I was there, she shared with me two very important things: a confession of a dream lost and her personal library.
I have spoken about this many times before, but this moment was so profound for me. By learning about her desire to be an author and see the longing in her eyes for an unrealized dream, I learned two things:
I had the ability to want things this big, too. I could desire to write a book. I could dream bigger than what I thought was possible.
~ AND ~
I didn’t want to have regrets for my life that left me looking so sad.
The first book I chose to read from her bookshelf was Love Story, by Erich Segal. It was enchanting and I devoured the book in two days. It was the perfect book for a love sick teenager missing her new boyfriend while forced to vacation with her family. Instead of moping and dwelling on my own sadness, I got lost in this love story and was forever changed. Could I write a book one day? Did I want to be an author?
Perhaps, you can relate to the same desire.
Then life happened and I temporarily walked away from my own dream. I put it on a shelf and didn’t come back to it for another thirty years. Sure, the thought resurfaced many times over the years. The longing never quite went away. I just got lost in the day to day reality of raising babies and maneuvering in and out of three marriages.
When I finally let this dream out of the box I had kept it in, It felt exciting .. and daunting. This idea of writing a WHOLE book was overwhelming, to say the least.
Then the imposter syndrome kicked in:
What did I know about writing a book?
How would I find the time?
Who would want to read what I wrote?
I wasn’t smart enough to write an intelligent book.
What would I even write about?
How do I publish?
Could I make any money?
So if you have the same dream burning inside of you, I have four tips based on my own experience:
One - You should absolutely write the book you are being called to write.
You are not given dreams and desires that are not meant for you. Just because you want to is reason enough.
Two - Learn what you don’t know.
You can do hard things. Learning what your writing process is will be a journey. Don’t expect perfection along the way and be willing to learn what you don’t know. Read books, find teachers, learn what you need to know.
Three - Baby steps will get you there.
Setting a lofty goal like writing a book will take a long time. Being able to break it out into smaller, more manageable steps will be important. Knowing how many words you want to write each day or every week will be a great way to keep yourself on task. One day at a time, baby steps along the way will get you there!
Four - Just Write
You can’t edit a blank page. This is the best advice I was given. In those moments when you are facing a blank page and don’t know where to start, just write. Put crappy words down on the page so you can get some momentum flowing. Editing is a separate phase. Don’t edit as you go, just write. Your first goal is just to get words on a page so you have something to work with.
When it comes to taking these concepts and putting them into action, we sometimes need someone to hold our hand and show us the way. I truly believe when the student is ready, the teacher appears. If you are looking for that sort of guidance, I welcome you into my own program.
Join Me - Let’s write your book!
Rocco Boy
This dog filled a gap.
And he did it so well.
I was ready for a companion, but not a relationship.
I was ready for company, but wasn’t interested in opinions on how to decorate my house or having any conversations that would challenge me.
Newly divorced, for the third time, I was lonely and scared.
Enter … my new guy, Rocco.
On my kid-free nights and weekends, he and I would Netflix and chill. Only not that kind. ;) I would pour a glass of wine, put on a show and say:
Alright, dude,
assume the position.
… which meant he would hop up on the couch next to me
and snore louder than any husband I’ve ever had.
His sleeping sounds were oddly comforting - similar to a husband but without the talking & arguing. He would just snuggle ... but only if I insisted. Otherwise, he would just be content to sleep on the other end of the couch while I lost myself in another romantic comedy or drama.
This dog has officially passed the torch, but I didn’t realize this until it was time to say goodbye.
Quite literally, he filled the gap until I was ready to have a man in my life. Those of you who are newly single know what I mean about this phase of life after divorce, where you are tender and need to retreat. But you are confused and filled with fear, so time alone can be so hard.
I have had a few men come into my life briefly over the past few years and Rocco would tolerate each one - but still expect his place on the couch. He gave off this Ok, you’re here now, but this is my spot kind of a vibe.
When Dan first met Rocco, this dog sat at his feet. He finally gave up his spot on the couch as if he knew - my work here is done. Rocco looked at him with the sentiment:
I’m tapping out dude. You got this? I’m so tired.
He has been so much more than my most favorite dog. I have loved this dog more than any other in my entire life and it’s a painful goodbye, but filled with SO MUCH gratitude and love that my heart almost can’t contain it.
Except God, Universe and Angels are so good. Of course my heart has expanded to have the capacity for this much gratitude & love.
God is good.
The Universe is kind.
This human life is beautiful.
We are so lucky to have these fur babies come into our lives and in such a short time teach us about our capacity to love.
Goodbye my sweet Rocco. Job well done. Rest well, my friend.
Yes, but HOW do I manifest?
In the woo-woo world of manifesting, there are gurus galore giving advice on how to call in your desires.
There’s a whole movie on the topic - you may have seen The Secret.
You don’t have to look very hard to find more people charging you to learn how to “get more money” than you know what to do with. I’ve discovered it’s rather simple in concept and most people are trying way too fucking hard.
Here are the basics:
💡 You ask for what you want.
😍 Believe it can and will happen.
🤩 Imagine how you will feel when you get what you've asked for.
❤️ Appreciate and express gratitude when it happens.
When it comes down to it, though, most people are left asking themselves What am I doing wrong? when day after day, they don’t have that thing they have asked for. What the hell Universe? Where’s my new man, that sporty car or millions in my bank account?
It can feel as if there’s some secret ingredient that’s missing or you’re doing it wrong. In reality, it’s usually not what’s missing that is the problem. It’s what’s stuck in the way. It’s the thing you can’t see that’s blocking your desires.
Limiting Beliefs.
We all have them. We usually don’t even notice they are there.
Limiting beliefs are simply things you believe to be true because you’ve thought them for so long. When you actually look at it, you can poke holes in it. You can ask yourself, wait, is this ultimately true?
For example, you want a new relationship, but all you do is complain about how much online dating sucks and constantly say things like: All the good men are taken. It doesn’t matter how many times you journal out your list of all the qualities of your perfect man or visualize him standing in front of you or FEEL him next to you. If you are sending out mixed signals to the universe, you’re getting in your own way. You are blocking your desires. You’re limiting your potential. These thoughts are your limiting beliefs.
Now when it comes to money, most of us are walking around with some really messed up ideas. We are carrying so many limiting beliefs about money and our ability to get more of it. There are so many layers to the crazy limiting beliefs about money and it can be quite complex to dig into your own. Our society simultaneously glamorizes & criticizes the uber wealthy.
Well, how are we supposed to call in more money if we also think those people who have lots of it are greedy or bad? Why would the universe give you something you actually don’t want?
Here are some of the more common limiting beliefs around money:
Money is the root of all evil
Rich people are just assholes
Money is always running out.
There’s never enough.
People who drive expensive cars are pretentious.
It takes money to make money.
It’s fascinating to me to listen to people talk about money, those who have it and those who don’t. We all have opinions, thoughts and ideas, but when we really stop to ask ourselves why we believe that or if it’s actually true, we will start to uncover the lies we tell ourselves. And THAT my friends is how you manifest more money. Tell yourself the truth. Shed the limiting beliefs and then go back up to the top of this post and try those manifesting steps again.
I’d love to hear your limiting beliefs about money. What have you been telling yourself? Comment below!
As always, if you need help identifying what’s keeping you stuck or what’s blocking your desires, we should work together!
3 ways to truly skyrocket your life after the big D
Do you know what I love about divorce?
Absolutely nothing. It’s horrendous even with all its opportunity for growth. But what comes after divorce, that phase of life where you get to start again, the do-over, and second-chance - that’s my jam. With that theme in mind, what follows are the three ways to take your life after divorce and make it better than ever.
Know who you are & give yourself permission to change
After divorce, there is a period of coming back to yourself, remembering who you are and also discovering who you want to be in the future. This path of self discovery can be an enjoyable adventure as you give yourself permission to try new things and have some fun, but it can also be quite daunting as you work through some honest recognition that perhaps you’re not quite the person you want to be. It is, however, a critical step on your path to true fulfillment and happiness.
Why should we continue to do things a certain way just because that’s the way we’ve always done it? Divorce gives us an opportunity to ask: Who do I get to be now?
You have a chance to decide where to go from here. You can change your mind and switch directions if you want. You can choose a different career. You can pick up an old hobby. You can change your hair or buy new clothes. You can redecorate your home or define a new style. You can move. You get to decide how the story goes from here and who this new you is going to be.
Put your best foot forward & give the world the best you possible
We hear it packaged all sorts of ways: make time for self-care, take time for yourself, be sure to exercise and spend time doing what you love. Happy wife, happy life. Ain’t nobody happy if Mama ain’t happy. But why don’t we actually believe it?
When you take time to make yourself a priority, you are actually giving the world the best you have to offer. Putting yourself first and making your own happiness a priority actually makes you a better mom, employee, friend and family member. Self care does not equal selfishness.
All the ways you can be kind to yourself and learn that your needs matter will make you a better person. A happier you who is well-rested, not carrying around unwanted weight, exercising and treating yourself occasionally just because it makes you feel good - these are all ways that you are creating the best version of yourself that you can be. You matter. Your happiness matters. Your love of something just because it makes you happy - that stuff matters.
If we can’t properly love ourselves, how on earth are we supposed to know how to love others? Embracing the value of self-care is one small step toward fully preparing yourself to be the best partner you can be in your next relationship. Self care is a beautiful way to teach us how we want to be loved. It can be a valuable learning experience around what is important is how you feel the most fulfilled.
Expect more & dream big
You have the ability to design your future. This is your opportunity to really consider what you want and start to believe that it is possible. You don’t have to know how to get there. Playing it safe and playing small only keeps us from living the life of our dreams. Your dream can be bigger than a new job or a new man or even things you can buy. Reach Further.
Beautiful girl, you can do amazing things.
You are new seeking to merely survive this life. It’s not enough to just look back at the end of your life and think: Wow, I really survived a lot. Instead of merely working to pay the bills, what if you aimed for the stars? If the worst thing that happens is you end up on the moon, at least you didn’t settle for staying put on Earth. What is the legacy you are leaving behind for your children? What example do you set for them on how to live your best life?
Continue to grow and evolve. Make a plan. Keep track. Do more of what’s working. Do less of what’s not working. Revise your plan. Insist on not sitting still and instead become the best version of yourself that you can be, scars and all. You were meant for a great life and you can do anything you set your mind to.
So You’re Divorced, So What? Where will you go next?
If you need help rewriting your story, download my free Start Again Guide as step one.
How to take better photos
Who are these naturally photogenic people and how do I become one of them?
I tend to be the one person in a group with my eyes closed or making some weird face.
For years, I hid behind the camera taking the pictures so I wasn’t in them. I felt too fat or not cute enough, my clothes made me look frumpy, I stood weird, my hair wasn’t done or my makeup was too light. You name it .. I had an excuse for why I shouldn’t be in the photo or why that one of me you just took was terrible.
Now that my girls are grown, though, I love looking back at old photos and seeing what I looked like then, but there are so few pics of me to choose from. My second daughter looks JUST LIKE me twenty years ago and I love to see the similarities. Also, I would literally pay money to be as skinny as I was back then when I thought I was too fat. Seriously, younger me was kind of a dumbass.
Still to this day, I truly do not enjoy seeing photos of myself which is probably surprising if you follow me on Instagram where my page is basically just photos of me. Why? Because I’m selling a product and that product is me - a whole, healthy and happy human being helping others to become the same. In all my analytics, photos of me perform better than stock photos or even those of my dogs. At the end of the day, I’m using social media as a tool and Instagram is visual. I’m creating the picture of what I’m offering through my writing, online courses and coaching packages. That meant I needed to get comfortable being in front of the camera.
This took practice and oh my goodness so many retakes. I googled “how to pose in photographs” because I’m special like that. I copied other people and tried to stand how they did. Most of the time, that looked pretty dumb when I did it. I practice posing in the mirror daily. I take photos, delete and repeat. I learned new apps.
I’ve learned a few tips along the way:
Learn your “good side” - practice with selfies so you can see what you’re doing.
Stick your chin out to the point that it feels weird.
Tilt your head slightly - rarely does straight on work well.
Shift your body to the side - it’s more flattering.
Hold your arms out - not resting against your body.
Presets are your friend - it takes the guesswork out of editing and makes your photos look better.
Lightroom is easy to learn and makes applying those presets pretty simple.
Do something, hold something, sit and stand - change it up and you’ll find what works for you.
iPhone users - Portrait mode / Studio light is your new best friend.
So regardless of what you do for a living or how active you are on social media, being in photos is still important. Knowing how to take good photos is a learned skill, so practice often. My advice? Just do it - be in the photos! Moms, your kids want to look back and see YOU in their photos, too. They see you every day and the way we look changes over time. Being able to see you in photos as they remember you is such a gift to them.
Why resolutions don't work for me
I set intentions every year and this year is no different, but I gave up setting a long list of resolutions years ago.
I have learned that I do better with deadlines, I need a big goal to work toward and a few smaller, easy to reach goals.
Last year, I set out to:
write two books and publish one
to maintain my weight loss from the year before
start working out more regularly
to start a podcast
read 24 books
to start a new coaching business
earn a living writing
When I look back on 2020 and these goals, I don’t feel discouraged that I didn’t write both books. I published one!
I did maintain my weight loss for the most part and I technically began working out more often. I will admit I spent most days in workout clothes without actually getting a work out in, but I have a cute new workout wardrobe and new running shoes now, too! I never set out to be a serious athlete, so this “athleisure” lifestyle works for me.
I didn’t come close to reading 24 books - I only finished 11, but that was better than the 6 I read in 2019. I count that as a win.
I didn’t start my podcast, but I did get my feet wet with 3 interviews on podcasts at the end of the year.
I started my new business and I am earning a living with my writing.
All in all, I would say 2020 goal setting was a successful endeavor, but I think the real success comes from how we view our progress. I could easily say I suck at setting resolutions and feel like a failure because I didn’t write the second book or start my podcast. Let’s face it, though, those are big goals! To say I challenge myself would be an understatement. I find so much value in small wins along the way. I try to balance my new year goals so I have some real challenges ahead of me, but also set myself up for feeling like I’m making some progress along the way.
I haven’t found that a long list of resolutions works well for me. Setting out to suddenly be an active person who works out daily or becoming vegan overnight hasn’t been my path to success. I don’t see this being a great strategy for others either. Setting intentions, choosing appropriate goals and working toward those all year long, does tend to work out better. Setting deadlines, holding myself accountable and recognizing what I actually accomplish leaves me feeling more successful overall.
Here are the recommendations I have for each new year:
Choose 1 to 3 big goals
Choose 3 to 5 smaller goals
Identify habits that need to go
Break each down into realistic steps
Keep track of your wins
Monthly check ins
Here’s the thing. We all need something to work toward. Having goals for improving your life leaves you with a sense of purpose. How are you creating a better version of yourself? How are you building a life that you love? Big changes take time. Creating opportunities to feel like you are making progress along the way makes a significant difference. Give yourself some easy lobs - it’s good for morale.
Your goal should be self improvement, not to become a completely new person overnight. Setting lofty goals can be fun, but being realistic on what’s possible in the short term helps, too. Taking time to recognize what you do get done really matters. How are you a better person today than you were in January 2020? That deserves celebration. Making progress is the goal. Just like the FWTFL motto says: Progress over Perfection.
If you need help with accountability, that’s where a coach, a new program or peer partners make a huge difference. Create ways to be successful and get help where you need it. My coaching programs are designed to meet you where you are. Do you just need a monthly checkin and periodic accountability? I got you. Need someone to help you set goals and track your progress weekly? I have a program for that too.
Let me know how I can help!
How I quit washing my hair every day.
This was a WHOLE thing.
And since I always bring you riveting content, I thought this might be a good day to leave you on the edge of your seat with anticipation for my deepest, darkest secrets. I no longer wash my hair every day. In fact, I only wash it once or twice a week. Gross, right? Hardly. My hair has never been healthier .. while I’m going blonde! It’s holding a curl like a badass.
Ew, but why? Turns out, my color last longer and my hair is healthier the less I shampoo. This is especially important to take care of my hair as I’m lightening to blonde from such a dark color. Now, I use the expensive salon shampoo and one bottle has lasted me nearly 6 months! Turns out, when I’m not using it every day, it lasts longer.
I have always washed my hair Every. Single. Day. I was the girl who had to start with wet hair in order to properly style it. When I was working out at the gym during the work day, it meant I was washing and drying my hair twice a day. I thought my hair couldn’t hold a curl. If I didn’t “do” my hair, it was under a ball cap, which wasn’t suitable for business casual workplaces. So, that meant shampoo, conditioner, and blow drying my hair every day.
Here’s what I held to be true:
My hair couldn’t hold a curl.
My fine hair was limp, lifeless and dull.
I couldn’t fix those weird morning lumps in my hair unless I started with wet hair.
The thing is … that’s all true of day one hair. Now, though, the first day I wash my hair, it’s so slippery and not my favorite at all. It’s clean and it feels amazing, but Day 2 or 3 is my jam. Wanna know how I got here? Quarantine actually helped. I wasn’t going anywhere, so who cares if my hair looked gross? I was working out again, but if I got sweaty and just let my hair dry again, it wasn’t terrible. So here are the steps I took …
I stopped washing my hair for about a week straight. It. Was. Disgusting.
I tried every single dry shampoo I could find.
I was patient. I’m never patient. I kept trying. I always do this.
What I learned… Hair needs to detox. It needs to settle in. So the not washing part was so nasty in the beginning, but each week, I could go a little bit longer than the week before. All in all, I think it took about a month for my hair to get where it is now. I wash my hair every 4 to 5 days, use a really good conditioner and I found a GREAT dry shampoo. A little bit goes a long way. Using it every day is too much for my hair. It tends to be on the dry side, so I use a leave in conditioner in between washes. I rinse every other day or so when product build up gets to be too much. While I try to avoid blow drying as much as possible, shampooing every day proved to be more drying than my blow dryer.
So here are my tips for you on how to stop washing your hair every day:
STOP washing your hair every day. Try 3 to 5 days the first time. Try 4 to 7 days the next time.
Buy some hats. Wear some scarves. Pull your hair back in a pony tail. It’ll get you through just one more day.
Try many, many different types of Dry Shampoo. Get the small sample bottles when possible. You won’t love most of them.
Find out what type of hair you have. Do you need dry shampoo and dry conditioner? Do you need to add moisture?
Don’t give up. Each week gets better. When it gets too gross - wash it or just rinse and try again.
Even if you have board straight hair like me - get a straightener. Lumps be gone!
Ready to take the plunge? Keep me posted! Can’t wait to hear all about it! Sharing a few of my favorite products below to help you along your way.
R+Co Death Valley - My all-time favorite Dry Shampoo. Do yourself a favor and start with this one first. Use a little and not every day.
Redken Color Extend Blondage - This is the best purple shampoo I’ve found so far. It’s great for my fine hair, not too drying and the conditioner is amazing, too.
Oribe Dry Texturizing Spray - I use this now on day one hair and it gives me some more control of super clean hair.
Am I a pushover parent? Grief sometimes wins.
Mourning the loss of a loved one, the end of your marriage or even the loss of a friendship all carry similarities of grief. Each is as unique as the person you’ve lost, but all grief carries the same traits. I devoted an entire chapter of my book, So You’re Divorced, So What?, to this concept. I walked through the stages of grief and offered my suggestions on how to move through them, but one important thing to consider is this: You don’t get over grief, you get through it. It’s not something that you deal with once and never to feel that loss again. It’s not linear and it never really makes sense. It’s fluid and flows like the waves in the ocean. Sometimes gentle and other times viscous and brutal. Each and every person will grieve their loss differently than the next.
I’ve shared before how difficult it’s been for me to attempt to guide my son through the loss of his friend at 7 years old to brain cancer, but honestly, in all my parenting years, this has been the challenge that keeps on giving. How do you do that exactly? Each year that passes, we process a little more and in different ways. Today marks the anniversary of the day Brock left us. This year, he stayed home from school and last year he was ready to be with other friends. Again, not linear. Today, he has spent the morning watching a sweet Christmas movie, he took a break from reality in some video games, went outside to shoot his pellet gun and we built a fort for the little girls in this house to enjoy this afternoon. He’s such a sweet boy. Kind, thoughtful and still missing his friend and struggling how to process the sad.
I typically try to follow my kids lead. I give them more grace than others think is necessary. It may appear that they rule the roost or call the shots, but like I tell them, I’m the one steering this ship. They may have more leniency with me than other moms allow for backtalk and general disrespect, but here’s what I know. There is no manual with parenting. Sure, I’ve read my share of parenting books from experts, but at the end of the day, no book, advice or even the child before them could ever adequately prepare me for parenting the child in front of me in that moment. What works for one of my children, doesn’t necessarily work for the next. So, I take all the advice in, absorb all the information I can and then take my kids’ lead on what they need from me.
I did read in a parenting book about divorce long ago that children will act out more with mom than anyone else because they know to the core of their being that unconditional love resides with their mom. They know without being told that no matter what they say or do, Mom will always love them. She is their safe space to release the emotions that are scary or don’t make sense. Have you heard it said that kids don’t say “I’ve had a rough day”, but instead they ask “will you play with me?” I don’t know how much I’ve actually believed this, but in the past two decades of parenting, I have done my best to remind myself of that in moments when they are having an outburst, even when it looks like I’m being soft or too lax to others watching me. It has given me the chance for an extra breath and take pause before reacting. The other day, I called my youngest daughter on it in a moment of exceptional sassiness. I asked her why she was so rude to me and not other people. She actually said, “because you’re my mom. I know you still love me.”
When it comes to helping my son navigate this grief process, that has meant that some days, I allow him to avoid his feelings altogether. Other times, I prod gently to encourage him to feel the sadness in tiny bits at a time. When we first told him about his friend going to heaven, his first words were “so, they didn’t find a cure?” It broke my heart - a child’s innocence and belief in the impossible shattered in an instant. When we pushed a little too hard to talk about it, he would come back with “It’s just too sad.” So, on the anniversaries and important days, I let him get lost in video games or stay home from school. I follow his lead. Even if this means he is taking advantage of the situation to avoid school that he hates. I’ll give him this pass because, you know what? His friend died and I can’t bring him back or take away his sadness no matter how many times I pray to God to let have his sadness instead. I can handle so much heartbreak and pain. I won’t break. I know I can survive it, but watching him hurt is worse than all the pain I’ve endured before now.
If you’ve navigated this territory and have any advice, please comment below. I’m sure I speak for others who are reading when I say, we are all ears. I may coach women how to grieve the loss of their divorce, but I feel out of my territory with this one, still, four years later.
How I handled Coparenting with Covid
Coparenting together from two different houses can be a challenge in and of itself, but what do you do when covid hits one house and not the other? Let me tell you a tale of our experience …
It all started on a Tuesday with a request from the littles’ dad who wanted to take my son hunting Wednesday morning before school. This is a whole thing in Texas during hunting season & my son equally loves hunting and hockey. Normally, I would have insisted that this father/son bonding wait until the weekend, but I decided to practice what I preach and pick my battles. Instead of putting my foot down out of principle, I told him instead: I will take your lead on this one. I really do think it’s important in this coparenting relationship for us both to allow the other parent room to call the shots from time to time. But I digress.
Fast forward to the next day when Dad starts running a fever and goes to get his previously scheduled covid test (he had a weekend trip planned and everyone agreed to testing prior to getting together). Covid Positive.
Well, damn. After we all saw him Tuesday evening and my son spent the morning in a deer stand with him. So now my son has been exposed, the question becomes does he stay there or come home and possibly expose us all, if we weren’t already?
Here’s what I have learned:
No one really knows about this virus - even doctors disagree
Positive test results only after fever started for the two adults
10 days - is the quarantine wait after symptoms begin and/or exposure
Symptoms vary from person to person - cough, fever, congestion, chills, aches, headache, etc.
3 days - how long you need to be fever free to be deemed not contagious
Our Thanksgiving break from school didn’t go as planned. My daughter stayed with me and neither of us ever got sick. We isolated to minimize the risk to other people and thankfully, we stayed healthy. My son quarantined at Dad’s house and did show very minor symptoms, but never ran a full blown fever. The adults were hit much harder and now we are awaiting retesting results.
I will venture to guess that our experience isn’t all that rare. Did you see my “I’m so sad” post awhile back? It was beyond difficult for me to be away from my son when he had the potential of being very sick. The fear of the unknown was in full swing for me. I am so grateful that he wasn’t. I have never spent more than a week away from my littles since my divorce, so 14 days seemed like an eternity.
I missed my son like crazy. My daughter was so sad to not see her brother and her dad for so long - especially when we live so close. My son was devastated to miss his hockey tournament and even missed being here with us when given the chance to play video games nonstop for days on end. Their dad missed his baby girl and her sweet hugs.
We managed to do a few things that helped ease the angst and separation a bit:
We did a driveway visit several times where my son would sit at his bedroom window and we’d talk to him on the phone. As his voice came through the car speakers (thank you bluetooth), it was almost like a drive-in movie. Who am I kidding? It was not at all the same thing.
We dropped off treats every couple days to the Covid House. Meds with Pedialyte and Gatorade one day, Lemon pie or his XBOX another day. Kindness always wins and, for me, it was easier to wait when I can do something to help and didn’t feel quite so helpless.
FaceTime is a godsend when you can’t be in person. It’s not quite the same, but it does help to be able to see each other’s faces. We spent most of Thanksgiving video chatting with everyone we couldn’t be with. It did help a tiny bit.
I learned to vary my questions and use them sparingly. It gets old to answer “How are you feeling?” every single day for two weeks. Offers to help are better received than asking over and over again for an update that takes days for the status to change. Patience is not my virtue, but it was much needed while we waited.
All in all, I’m very grateful it wasn’t worse and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am eager to get back to our “normal” life where we share kids who bounce back and forth between two houses - together. Who knew I’d ever say THAT?