The Magic of Letting Go
When I think back to what I wrote in this eBook, The Five Steps to a Happier You, Let it Go was my advice. In all honesty, the five steps came to me in meditation. Funny since that’s what my last blog post was centered around. My pillar of happiness and well-being is so heavily grounded in this concept of letting go and also in my daily meditation. In times of my biggest personal growth, it’s always, always comes after letting go of something big. It’s usually been a heavy resentment that I needed to handle with forgiveness or a habit that was holding me back from the life I truly want. Lately, though, I’ve realized that this letting go is also deeply connected to something I’ve held onto as if it is a part of who I am: my insane need to control everything and everyone around me.
I have had an illogical need to control my world for so long now that I cannot tell you where it began. Well, after years of therapy, of course, I can tell you where it came from, but the reality is, I have spent a lifetime thinking this is just who I am. I am the type of mom who had a schedule for the birthday party just “to be sure we fit it all in.” I am the ex-wife who instructs dad on what detergent to use and what the kids should eat for snacks. I am the one yelling at cars in front of me at school drop-off so that my kid says from the back seat, “You know that they can’t hear you, right?”
The figurative weight that has been lifted when I started to learn how to “stay in my lane” has been immense. Ironically, it did actually start with traffic. When I could let go of wanting to control how fast other people drive or what lane they decide to park in (read: don’t drive slower than everyone else in the left lane, please, for the love!), I was really giving myself the gift of enjoying my drive. I love the thrill of driving fast and I love nothing more than an empty road in front of me to get where I want to go. I started playing a game with myself anytime someone slowed me down. I started convincing myself that they had something going on in their own world that was causing them to be distracted and kept them from noticing that I wanted to pass them. Their kid is sick, they are having a fight with their spouse or their dog is dying. You know - worst-case scenarios - because this was really the only way I could justify their not paying attention to the fact that I want to go faster than they were. Letting go of road rage tendencies actually made me a happier person.
Having been married and subsequently divorced, I have the opportunity to share my children with their father. My kids live their lives shuffling between two homes. This absurd need to control all things is definitely tested when my children spend a good deal of time away from me. Learning to let go of my ability to control what happens when they are at Daddy’s house has been a HUGE benefit to my own well-being, but also a gift to my children. As soon as I realized I couldn’t control bedtime, what they eat, or even who they spend time with, I was able to enjoy my time when they are away so much more. I just don’t spend time thinking about those things and I focus on who I am with and what I am doing instead. I trust that they are safe, loved, and cared for, and let the rest go. My kids then get to enjoy their time with their dad without worrying if mom is going to be mad. It gives them the freedom to talk about their weekends without concern about how I will react. It also doesn’t allow them to play their parents against each other, which is too common in those shared custody situations.
Children certainly need guidance and I am responsible for them in every way. I also might be the type to struggle with the snail’s pace that children move. Mornings, especially, have been a challenge for me. We have spent way too many that ended with me frustrated and yelling at my kids before I send them off to school with a forced smile saying “Have a great day!” What a crappy way to start the day. Now, I do lots of pauses and deep breaths to keep my cool, but also I’ve just chilled out. I allow extra time and I do more of the preparations than I should. I finally decided that getting them to school with a good state of mind was more important than whether or not they put on their own shoes. They do their part the night before (backpack prep, water bottles, pick out their clothes, etc) and I help them more in the morning. While my goal was to send them off with the best state of mind, by letting go of this insane need to control how fast they move or what they are doing on their own, I was again giving peace of mind to myself. I actually feel better as I move through my morning and drop them off at school.
Learning what I can control and letting go of what I can’t has been the best thing I could do for my own mental health. It only makes me happier. It keeps me focused on things I actually have an influence on and allows me to shift my energy to more enjoyable and more productive things. It really is quite magic.