How I used Reiki principles to minimize conflict with my ex.
This whole notion of co-parenting makes me laugh when I really stop to think about it. Even though I couldn’t manage to stay married to this person, I somehow think it’s possible to successfully work together to raise our children? We agreed on next to nothing when we were married, but we are under the delusion that we will miraculously figure out how to be on the same page about discipline and consequences?
Now listen. He and I have said some pretty terrible things to each other. Our history is tainted with trauma, unhealed wounds, and a good dose of mistreatment. It’s so easy for me to label him as this or that. It’s simple for me to blame him and feel completely justified. And I have. I have spent many nights drinking wine with my girlfriends lamenting this shitty hand I was dealt. I’ve been seething with anger, frustrated by his choices, and just downright hurt by his actions.
And yet. I know this to be true. It is possible to have a successful working relationship with this person you used to be married to.
This is what I always come back to and the question I ask myself to guide my choices:
What is best for my kids?
Last year, I got my Level I Reiki certification and I learned all about this ancient Japanese healing practice. The Reiki Precepts are guidelines for using and working with this healing energy. As a reminder, they are included in the prayer you say at the beginning of each session. It wasn’t until I repeated those precepts out loud that I saw a connection between what I had been doing to cultivate this good working relationship and where I was still getting hung up.
Reiki Precepts:
Just for today, I will let go of anger.
Just for today, I will let go of worry.
Just for today, I will count my many blessings.
Just for today, I will do my work honestly.
Just for today, I will be kind to all living things.
Let go of Anger
If you’ve taken my Chaos to Calm course, you know I am a big proponent of “letting go” of plenty. These first two out the gates are doozies, though. I don’t know about you, but my anger is justified. Here’s what I’ve also learned about anger - it just covers up hurt. Anger serves a purpose if we allow it to help us. Where are you ignoring deep pain? That’s what makes you angry. To let go of anger though? That’s easier said than done. I find it helps to follow a three-step process to let go of anger:
Feel it - allow it - express it. The emotion won’t go anywhere till you give it a little wiggle room. So wiggle, move, walk, dance. It’s important to express the anger, so you can write a letter to say everything you need to without actually saying it to him. You can put the letter away, burn it, or choose to send it later. Then go for a walk. Have a dance party in your livingroom. Hit the gym. Physical activity allows the energy of the emotion to move and leave.
Next, acknowledge the space that’s now empty. Feel the spaciousness of the room that is left. Focus on what’s been cleared out.
Fill up the space with something new. Choose new thoughts that FEEL better. Consciously and with intention, choose how you want to feel instead. Mantras and affirmations can help with the repetition that’s needed to create new thoughts and beliefs.
Just for today, I will let go of anger.
Let Go of Worry
For the single moms out there, worry is like your little security blanket that you take everywhere with you but isn’t actually helping you feel safe. I know because that’s been me. When I have been waiting on child support to hit my account so I can buy groceries, I have worried. When my son has struggled with anxiety, I have worried. When my daughter is dealing with mean girl drama, I have worried. When my kids are with their dad, I have worried. Will they eat healthy food? Will they get to bed on time? Will they be allowed to call me if they are scared?
To be asked to let go of worry has been a tough pill to swallow, but here’s how I’ve done it. I leaned all the way into the first part of this precept. “Just for today”. When I give myself permission to worry tomorrow, it’s easier to let go of it … just for today. I can simply set it down temporarily.
Additionally, when I truly focus on what I have control over, it directs my concern appropriately. This is how I stay in my lane and begin the process to let go of worry. Can I control how quickly an electronic transfer hits my account? No. Can I create a meal from spare ingredients in my pantry? Yes. Can I control how my son reacts to stress at school? No. Can I equip him with coping strategies and teach him what I know about easing anxiety? Yes. Can I control how mean little girls are to my daughter? No. Can I teach her how to use what people say and do to choose her friends wisely? Yes. Can I control what my kids eat, when they go to sleep, or what they are allowed to do at their dads? No. Can I control what I think about when they are with their dad and pray for them and meditate on their safety? Yes. If you want to know my methods, comment below. I’ll write another blog about that!
Just for today, I will let go of worry.
Count My Many Blessings
This one is simply a gratitude practice. I have shared many times my favorite way to get started with journaling and how to practice gratitude. This shit takes practice! Our minds are wired for negativity, to keep us safe and look for problems. We are conditioned to see what’s missing, what’s wrong, or where the problem is to solve. It takes a very intentional effort to be grateful. This is my favorite way to get started.
Gratitude Journaling:
3 to 5 things you are grateful for
1 thing you are proud of
1 thing you are looking forward to
When we cultivate gratitude, our vibration rises. We attract more positive experiences. We begin to look for reasons to be happy and thankful. This is how you change your life. Baby steps are better than no steps. When you are talking about your ex, gratitude can be HARD. Here are some questions to get you started. What does he do well? What does he do for your kids that you can’t do or aren’t good at? What are they learning from him that will serve them well in life? Maybe it’s just that he showed up and is spending time with his kids. Even if he sucks at it, you are getting a well-deserved break. Don’t waste it.
Just for today, I will count my many blessings.
Do My Work Honestly
Listen. For single moms, we know work. We work hard. This part is a given.
To do my work honestly, though, requires a closer look. My “work” is to help women thrive after divorce. To share my experiences honestly has always been a fine line for me. To properly convey I get your struggles because they have been mine is necessary, but to do that in a way that doesn’t betray confidences or disrespect my kids’ need for privacy is a challenge. To do this work honestly sometimes requires sharing the truth about what I’ve experienced, which sometimes makes another person look “bad”. I choose to share through the lense of my experiences, my feelings, and my lessons.
Here’s what I will tell you about honesty and truth. It can be done gently. It can include some grace. I can be honest and not hurtful. So to do my work honestly means I will share my truth because it will help others. I will be careful about the way I speak about my children’s father. I will go out of my way to avoid name-calling, labels, and pointing the finger in a blame game. My feelings and my experiences are valid, though, just like yours.
Just for today, I will do my work honestly.
Be Kind to All Living Things
Now, this last one takes it all to another level altogether. When I first started stating this Reiki precept, I was just thinking about how it meant I should be kind to animals, even spiders that I take outside instead of killing them and squirrels who like to invade my attic. However, when I realized that my ex-husband is also included in the category of “all living things”, it gave me pause. I had to sit with this one. We’ve been cordial. We may not look each other in the eyes, but we hand off kids’ bags and belongings without any tension. We’ve been amicable, but have I been kind? I had to take a good look in the mirror on this one to admit that I don’t think this was true.
I’m well-practiced at not talking shit in front of my kids. I advise on how to speak about our exes while the little people in our lives are listening. Initially, being kind to him meant I bit my tongue. Simply not staying what I was thinking was a tiny step toward kindness. But if I’m being honest with myself and doing my work honestly, being kind to him meant I had to change my thinking. It meant I needed to change the thoughts I was having and not even saying out loud.
Being kind to him meant seeing situations from his perspective and getting curious about how he might feel. I started saying thank you and please. You know, using basic manners I had been reserving for perfect strangers. I ask about his family.
And honestly? I still bite my tongue a lot. I’m human, not perfect.
Just for today, I will be kind to all living things.
Reiki Precepts to Minimize Conflict
When it comes to minimizing conflict with your ex, come back to this question: What is best for your kids? Use that to guide your actions and formulate your thoughts. It will help.
Then repeat after me:
Just for today, I will let go of anger.
Just for today, I will let go of worry.
Just for today, I will count my many blessings.
Just for today, I will do my work honestly.
Just for today, I will be kind to all living things.
Interested in working together? Let’s schedule a Step One Consultation. In just one hour, we will set you on the path toward not giving a shit what your ex says or does!
Life Hack for Better Sleep
The thing about sleep is you know you need it.
Science actually proves the human body requires sleep to grow and heal. Sleep allows your brain to process what you’ve learned. The National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke says:
“Sleep affects almost every type of tissue and system in the body – from the brain, heart, and lungs to metabolism, immune function, mood, and disease resistance. Research shows that a chronic lack of sleep, or getting poor quality sleep, increases the risk of disorders including high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, depression, and obesity.”
Any mom who has survived sleep deprivation knows how important sleep is. It’s a lifeline and a requirement to function correctly the next day. Those early days with a newborn are often remembered fondly - those first smiles, the smell of a baby’s head, or the cute footed pajamas - but in the back of your mind, hidden beneath the momnesia that convinces you “it wasn’t so bad”, you also recall the brain fog that comes from lack of sleep. It was on those sleep-deprived mornings that you poured breastmilk into your coffee instead of creamer or went to work with two different shoes.
Fast forward to the time the same child was so sick you stayed awake most of the night to make sure they were breathing. When they are so congested that the only way they could stay asleep was to sit upright leaning against your chest while you sit upright in the rocking chair. You might have managed a few winks, but any time they moved, you woke up. Then the next morning, you were running on fumes and irritable, and easily confused. Words escaped you when you reached for them. You weren’t as sharp in your meetings and no amount of caffeine was enough.
Good ole sleep deprivation. We as moms know it well.
Life with a newborn or having a sick child certainly is the more extreme reason for being sleep deprived, but not getting enough sleep or consistently getting low-quality sleep can be just as detrimental. Waking up frequently throughout the night, regular insomnia or just trying to survive on fewer hours per night than your body truly needs can take its toll.
Are you getting enough sleep?
According to the Mayo Clinic, most adults need 7 or more hours of sleep each night. While this varies from person to person, adults actually need 7 to 9 hours of sleep but many moms I know are getting far less. There are people who believe they can train themselves to require less, but that is simply a myth.
There is so much pulling you away from getting good quality sleep. Stress and anxiety are at the forefront, but the pace of information flooding your brain each day between social media and work is intense. Multi-tasking and jumping back and forth between mom responsibilities and your career alone are enough to keep your brain in overdrive. The nonstop expectations to produce and accomplish are affecting your ability to fully shut off at night. So you wake before you are ready and stay up too late binging Netflix just to get a sense of relaxation and rest. Are you truly sleeping well, though?
You know sleep is important, but you might also struggle to actually sleep when you’ve laid your head on the pillow. Whether it’s waking up too frequently, tossing and turning, or full-on insomnia robbing us of good quality sleep, you may be at a loss to know HOW to get good rest.
We can know it’s important all the live-long day but sometimes life makes it seem impossible.
I have a solution for you.
It’s a very simple gratitude practice that I promise is actually easy, too. This is a tried and true recipe for a good night’s rest. It works without fail, every time I do it. I’ve had multiple clients use this practice and report back with extremely positive results:
Less tossing and turning
Good quality and solid sleep
Waking up feeling fully rested
Reduced insomnia
Remembering more of their dreams
The entire goal is to get into the frequency of gratitude and love as you fall asleep. This is different than the Gratitude Journaling activity I’ve talked about many times. It’s not about a specific number of people you list or how many items you check off your list. It’s just about putting your body, mind, and spirit in a place of feeling gratitude as you enter your sleep state.
Gratitude Practice for Good Sleep:
Spend a few minutes thinking about all the ways you can be grateful for the day you just experienced just before you drift off to sleep.
Thank the people in your life for showing up the way they did.
Thank God for the abundance you had showered on you throughout the day.
Thank the Universe for all the pleasant exchanges you had with strangers.
Express gratitude for all the ways you felt loved.
Thank Source for each person in your life and what you admire about them.
Be thankful for the beautiful places you got to be today.
Thank God for all the things you have today that you use to pray for.
Thank yourself for the good sleep you are about to have.
Set the intention to have restful sleep and to wake up feeling energized. Be grateful - in advance - for the good night’s rest that you are about to have.
When you wake up in the morning, make note of your sleep. Do you feel more rested? Take a minute to express some gratitude (and be amazed) that this shit really does work.
I would love to hear how this works for you! Comment below or send me a DM on Instagram!
To learn more about my Gratitude Journaling method mentioned above, download your Free Journal Prompts Here.