In a Funk?
Many of you may not know that I experienced depression for the first time a few years ago. It was a dark time that was incredibly eye opening, but also one that I don’t tend to talk a lot about. It isn’t that I am ashamed or want to keep it hidden as much as I very intentionally try to avoid slipping back into that funk, as I call it. Even in the darkest of those days, I would say to my friends, “I’m just in a funk today” when, in fact, I was having suicidal thoughts and it was super fucking scary. Depression to me is all shades of grey. It affects different people in all sorts of ways - from the subtle to the extreme. It’s not black or white, but to me, it very much feels like a slippery slope. Some days, it’s almost as if I feel like I’m walking along a muddy hillside that at any moment, I can lose my footing and be caught up in the mudslide that is depression. Dark and murky, slippery and full of fear.
In my constant ability to minimize my own experiences, I always feel the need to say, “but mine wasn’t that bad”. The truth of the matter is it only lasted a few months, I did not need medication and talk therapy was enough to pull me out. It was, as I learned, situational and happened in a time in my life that I was processing grief, guiding my then 7 year old through his own grief and knowingly losing my job. I credit my amazing therapist for knowing me well enough and having the immense knowledge and experience needed to keep me going.
I will never forget leaving the office of said therapist after a really great session. I was feeling hopeful and felt fairly confident in my ability to work my plan. I’m sitting in my car, waiting to pull out onto the street, just waiting for the break in traffic when in an instant I thought: What if I just pull out in front of all these cars? It was a brief flash of a thought where I was just tired and done. In the very next moment, I was telling myself that my small children still needed me, but it was startling. How quickly the sad, lost and dark feelings could just come swimming back into my mind and alter my beliefs.
So, today, I’m better at recognizing the signs and I can feel when I’m being pulled underwater before it actually happens. I get in front of it and on those days when I wake up “in a funk”, I know there are three ways I can help swim back to the top and stay afloat. It’s all centered around my body, my mind and my spirit. If one is out of balance, I feel it. It’s either physical pain or emotional upsets or just that unsettling and familiar feeling of that tiny bit of depression settling in. Regardless of how it shows up, I know to check all three. So whether you are just feeling a little out of it or relate to my description of depression, maybe these will help you, as well.
Step One - Feed My Body.
When I feel in a funk, I have to ask myself, Have you been exercising? You’ll remember that part where I hate to workout, so this is my first step. I know I feel better when I’m active. I know I have more energy and my thoughts tend to be more positive when my body feels strong. Even if it’s a quick walk around the block, moving my body is a huge component to making sure I’m feeding my body appropriately. Next I look at what I’m literally putting into my body. When I feel like shit, it’s usually because I’m not taking care of myself. Eating too much junk, drinking too many cocktails, and not drinking enough water will all take its toll. Also, how well am I really sleeping? Sleep is a fundamental need of mine. I sleep ALOT and when I’m not taking care of my body, I’m regularly waking up at 4am with insomnia. It’s my sure fire way I know something is off.
Step Two - Nourish My Mind
This one seems less intuitive, but I know that I’m forever a student. I love to learn find new ways to grow. When I’m feeling in a funk, I listen to a podcast, I sign up for a new course or I read a book. In whatever way I can fill my mind, it helps to reframe my thoughts, distract me from the current mood and it also gives me something to complete. I get to learn from someone who is doing great things. I can emulate a leader in the self help arena. When I start something new, it implies it will take time to finish. It keeps me moving forward and it gives me a reason to wake up tomorrow. A few of my favorites:
On Purpose -Jay Shetty Podcast & Instagram
Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations - Podcast
Don’t Keep Your Day Job with Cathy Heller - Podcast & FB Group
Vibe Higher Podcast with Taylor Stone
Step Three - Soothe my Soul
When I’m feeling out of sorts, it helps me to process those feelings and emotions. Even if I’ve just woken up on the wrong side of the bed and I’m feeling grouchy, when I take time to journal, it helps me analyze what’s going on in my world to cause the feelings. Meditation and visualization are also ways to connect back to my inner being, to find my center and consciously choose how I want to feel that day. I have made journaling, meditation and exercise (most days) a part of my daily morning routine. It helps to keep me focused on maintaining the balance of my physical, spiritual and mental health. It’s my way to proactively get myself on the right foot before the day gets away from me. Usually, when I feel old feelings starting to surface, one of these is out of balance.
While my experience with depression is unique to me and I do feel this focus on the three pillars of balance can be helpful to everyone regardless of your specific shade of grey, I would be remiss if I went without saying this. If you are struggling with depression, please get help. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) or your therapist - today. It is imperative that you get help and I know it is embarrassing. You do not have to suffer alone and you are suffering. You are not weak. You are loved and wanted and needed. There are people who can walk this path to healing with you and you are worthy of it all. You do matter. I am sending so much love and healing energy to each and every one of you who read these words.