How Tapping Into Your Dreams Can Reveal Your Subconscious Mind

I found these carved wooden words and hung them in my bathroom as decor when I was manifesting a man.  I thought it was a cute play on words and funny decor for a bathroom.

Also, it was really fucking honest about where I was in my willingness to meet my man.  I was ready … finally… again … to meet someone and truly learn to be vulnerable within a new relationship. I wanted to put what I had learned since my last divorce into practice.  

It was as if my hanging these words on the wall was my signal to the universe, Ok, I’m ready.  Let’s get naked!

Cheeky, I know.  Little did I realize how much this would become my battle cry of being an entrepreneur and the part my clients struggle with the most.

Get Naked.

When I begin to share my life online, it was a new kind of vulnerability to share and almost welcome feedback about the big and small things I was doing.  I was awkward and felt silly. I overshared at times.  I deleted posts.  I under-shared, too.  Another pic of me smiling with very little depth or purpose in the caption?  I heard crickets. It took some time to find the balance between being seen and known, but also keeping my private life private.  As I came to learn, this whole embracing vulnerability is a dance.

When I first wrote my book and put it out into the world, it felt like I was bearing a part of my soul. Almost as if I was saying: Here, please read my words I’ve poured over and attempted to perfect.  I was excited and nervous, but also secretly terrified that people wouldn’t love my baby as much as I did.  In the end, it was truly an act of service. In the writing of my book, I shared my journey authentically but did so in hopes that it would help someone else avoid the pitfalls I did. It was truly a labor of love.

Here’s the thing.  That is life.

Vulnerability opens you up to it all.

This human experience we all signed up for.  Sometimes it leaves us wondering.  Occasionally, we are amazed and blown away.  Most of the time, we are left saying. “Wait.  This isn’t quite what I wanted.”

Only you did. You did sign up for the heartbreak that feels soul-crushing.  You wanted the wins that take your breath away and the exhilarating flying-free triumphs. You also wanted the losses that knocked you down a peg and the setbacks that left you scratching your head.  You wanted the FULL human experience, the ups and the downs.  You are getting that full emotional experience, so you can then learn how to choose and co-create - then choose again.

This idea of getting naked and opening up to true vulnerability. This fear of being seen and truly understood will keep popping up as a theme in your life until you decide you’re ready to face it and you allow it in.

Real-Life Example:

I had a client recently who was encountering this same issue with being vulnerable, but it wasn’t until we spent time interpreting one of her dreams in our session that it all came together and made sense.  

Your soul is always speaking to you. The universe is always providing the signs and breadcrumbs to get you where you want to be.  Dreams can be a great way to start paying attention to what your subconscious mind is telling you.

My Client’s Dream:

She was in the setting of what seemed like a video game.  She had run into an abandoned warehouse and was hiding behind a wall.  There were other people running into the building with her.  All these soldiers were marching down the road just outside the building. There was a window nearby so she kept peeking out to see if the soldiers were going to see her.  

The part of the dream that she kept repeating to me was that she was hiding. She was trying to stay out of sight and that she was hoping they wouldn’t see her.

Dream Interpretation (according to dreammoods.com)

Hiding: To dream that you are hiding suggests that you are keeping some secret or withholding some information. You may not be facing up to a situation or dealing with some issue. However, you may be getting ready to reveal something and confess before somebody finds out. In particular, to dream that you are hiding from some authority figure (police, parent, teacher...), implies feelings of guilt.

Soldier: To see or dream that you are a soldier signifies discipline, structure, rigidity and your staunch attitude. You are imposing your opinions and feelings on others. Alternatively, a soldier means that you are preparing yourself to do battle over an issue. You feel the need to defend your beliefs, values and opinions.

Dreams can uncover themes

Together, we interpreted her dream and uncovered a theme that was playing out in her day-to-day life.  In our work together, I already knew that she was in the midst of online dating and running into issues getting from Date #1 to Date #2.  I also knew that she was purposely not including anything about her daughter in her profile and intentionally not mentioning that she is a mom actively raising a child.  She was completely turned off by all the men she kept finding who put their kid’s photos in their profiles - she felt strongly against it.  She had the limiting belief that men wouldn’t be interested in her or would lose interest once they found out she had an 8-year-old.  

In our session, I connected the dots for her.  She wasn’t seeing the relevance of her dream to her waking life.  I pointed out that she was using this strongly held belief about not using children’s photos in dating profiles to hide the fact that she is a mom.  Coincidentally, we both agree that kids’ photos should be kept out of dating profiles. However, using that to completely omit that she had a child was different. She was losing an opportunity to be vulnerable and put herself out there as a Single MOM who is looking for love.  We dug into her limiting belief about how she would be accepted and created a new plan for revealing this truth about her life in a way that honored keeping her daughter’s face private and still allowed her to show up authentically.  She felt a bit naked but agreed that this was a much more genuine approach that she had been taking.

Questions to ask yourself:

In what ways are you being called to Get Naked?

How are you not showing up authentically?

Where can you offer more vulnerability?

Oftentimes, using your dreams to interpret what your subconscious is trying to tell you can be an easy first step.  I encourage you to listen, observe, and get curious. Start by keeping a dream journal and simply jot down the dreams you remember upon waking. The seemingly silly or bizarre ones usually hold the biggest clues.

When you still can’t make heads or tails of it, pull in another set of eyes to look at the situation. This is one of my favorite ways to gain clarity with clients. The first session working with me can be incredibly eye-opening when we start by interpreting a dream. We start with super complex problems and create a simple plan of action. We dig into the super fucking weird dreams that make no sense and connect the dots.

If you’re hitting a wall and feeling stuck, let’s start by taking a closer look at your dreams.

Book a Clarity Call with me - we’ll get you started!

Do you know why depressed people sleep so much?

It’s the closest thing to dying. The quicksand that is depression feels empty and like toxic sludge. It pulls you under and feels like you’re sinking down into the depths of dark despair. It feels like sinking or circling a drain. You feel helpless and it all feels hopeless. The only desire is a longing to just give up. To be done. To just make the misery stop.

So, we sleep.

And there is a spiritual reason, as well. Our bodies know it’s the best way to stop the momentum. The negative thoughts spiral. The toxic energy that’s taken over - sleep is the best way to stop it. It’s a perfect reset button. To just hit pause on all that negativity that is spiraling out of control.

The thing about this particular mood disorder is there are many flavors. There are several causes and there isn’t a one size fits all solution. It’s not really a problem to fix, per se. It’s more of an exercise of persistence. Many believe the opposite of depression is happiness, but it’s not. The opposite is purpose. To find meaning in the meaningless abyss. To find purpose in the matrix of this make-belief reality. For all the ways we human beings are complex and unique, our mood disorders are too.

So for one person, it may be more of a depressive state that you wrestle with from time to time, or perhaps it’s all-consuming seasonally. Depression for some is an everyday battle that never fully releases its hold. For someone else, it may be crippling anxiety that doesn’t allow you to sleep well. Yet, for others, we may be feeling so disconnected from our feelings that escapism seems to be the only viable solution. This desire to escape looks different for each person too. It could be an addiction that allows you to numb the feelings. It could be escaping into a fictional reality like TV or video games. Everyone’s “vice” is different. All subjective to our human conditioning and natural inclinations.

When it comes to depression, though, this one gets a lot of attention.  It’s the only mood disorder that literally screams out for help and gets people’s attention because of suicide.  Even in all the ways, we are becoming more conscious of this “mental health struggle”, it doesn’t really get to the heart of the matter.  We are only paying closer attention because people are fucking killing themselves.  

The reason you hear seemingly silly suggestions for people who are struggling with depression is that it’s a slow climb out.  This isn’t the moment for giant leaps of faith.  It’s not something you can just snap out of or talk your way to a better feeling place with affirmations. Quite honestly, most of that takes too much effort.  Newsflash: not one depressed person wants to feel that way. At a time when energy is at an all-time low, when the essence of who you are feels completed depleted, the only small steps that are possible are things like taking a walk, sitting outside, drinking water, or taking a shower.  Small, tiny baby steps that don’t require a massive amount of energy and that will make incremental steps forward.  It’s only about finding moments of reprieve and minuscule soothing. You know I’ve often said: baby steps are better than small steps. It’s true.

If you know someone who is struggling with depression, do me a favor and don’t ask them how you can help.  They don’t know what they need.  Show up.  Sit with them.  If you can’t be there in person, text them or call.  When they don’t answer, keep trying.  Don’t try to find the “right thing to say” because there isn’t one.  You can tell them how much you care. You can remind them of people who love them.  You can offer to help.  In all reality, what they need is to vocalize their thoughts.  They need to connect with other human beings.  They need to physically move the energy that is stuck.  They need to remember what it feels like when they take care of their body, feed their mind, and connect with their spirit.  You might find this guide helpful.  It’s a list of the best questions to ask your loved one.

Depression isn’t a happiness problem.  It’s a connection issue.  Feeling disconnected from people, God or meaning.  Walking someone toward their own purpose is what’s needed.  Finding a reason to connect with people is important.  Allowing them to both tap into their own inner wisdom or guidance while balancing being present and connected in this human experience.  It’s a dance and the balance looks different for everyone.  The secret is for each person to find their own and honor it. And that, my friends, is the very first step to “battling depression.”

If you want my 10 step guide to crawling out of depression, download your copy here.

What My 3 Divorces Taught Me

Do you know what I love about divorce?

Absolutely nothing.  Even with all its opportunity for growth, it’s still horrendous.  The universal truth about all divorces is they suck.  Even the “best”, most amicable ones are still terrible.  Here’s what I also know to be true … being divorced doesn’t mean anything about your character.  It has no way of defining your future unless you let it.  It’s always a chance for a fresh start and with new opportunities comes the possibility of something better.  

Divorce Sucks, but your life doesn’t have to.

Now … what comes after divorce, that phase of life where you get to start again, the do-over, and second-chance - that’s my jam.  I have perfected the art of dusting myself off after a loss and starting again.  Along my path to mid-life, divorced three times, single mom and entrepreneur, I have learned quite a bit.  

Here are my top lessons that come from being a three times divorcee.  (because you know it sounds fancy and bougie when you put a cute label on it.)

Our mistakes don’t define us

Try telling someone you’ve been divorced three times and see if that doesn’t make them think they know something about you.  I certainly thought it did mean something about me for awhile.  There is this phase of life after divorce - the guilt, the shame and society’s view on divorce - had me believing there was something wrong with me.  The world says: You are divorced, so you are broken, damaged, and a failure. 

When I found myself divorced for the third time, I actually believed it all .. and then some.

Until one day, I didn’t.  I woke up and decided that this life experience didn’t actually mean anything about me as a person.  I’m not a failure unless I choose to be.  I am not a broken individual. I am quite healthy and strong actually.  I was damaged from those heartbreaks, but I have healed.  I, in fact, have succeeded in many ways.   I have become an example to my children on how to be independent even when I didn’t want to be, how to make difficult choices in the face of massive uncertainty, how to learn new skills and love myself enough to leave when necessary.  I did make mistakes in those marriages and in my life overall, but those mistakes don’t define who I am. 

Those mistakes only show the outside world where I’ve been - not who I am.

Our past doesn’t determine our future

Single moms can feel as if they are destined to a life of struggle and sacrifice.  The term alone has a negative connotation when you think about it.  We all picture the same thing don’t we? Less money, no time, frazzled and alone.  Being divorced, though, doesn’t have to mean anything about where you go from here, unless you choose to let it.  

Your past is only where you’ve been.  It has no bearings on where you go from here.

The future can be amazing. It can hold new career opportunities, living in places you’ve only dreamed of or falling in love again.  This second phase is completely up to you to define and make happen.  Your future is not already determined and has very little to do with where you came from.  My second phase had me leaving the comforts of Corporate American with all its chaotic requirements and unfulfilling conference calls for a new life as an entrepreneur filled with freedom, flexibility and ultimate fulfillment. I published my first book and finally got paid to actually help people.

While starting again after divorce can be quite daunting, it really does hold infinite possibilities.  

We can always start again

Regardless of the past, mistakes or divorces, we are always starting again.  It may not feel that way in the moment.  When looking ahead after a big loss, it can feel hopeless. 

With every fall, though, we have the ability to choose to get back up, dust ourselves off and start again.

You may have seen this Olympic commercial from several years back, but it always warms my heart. We see children of all ages falling down and their moms picking them back up. They start as toddlers learning to walk, then we see small hockey players falling on the hard cold ice. Next we see teenage athletes with bigger and bigger falls. Images fill the screen of moms applying bandages, taking off sopping wet uniforms, tears and ice packs. The end of the commercial shows Olympic athletes all looking out into the audience with the universal Thanks Mom look on their faces. For teaching us that falling only makes us stronger. Cue the waterworks, right?

The thing about this life after divorce is we can do that for ourselves. We can take a deep breath, get back up and start again. We can recognize this fall as only a temporary stumble. We can choose to see our future as a blank slate, a new opportunity and the possibility to build something great.  You and I both get to create a beautiful life.  

We are never too old.  It’s never too late.

Semi colon moment

My third divorce felt monumental, as you can imagine.  It felt like giving up when, in reality, I was not the one who wanted the divorce.  I was holding on - kicking and screaming - to that tumultuous marriage just to NOT get divorced … again.  Inevitably, I found myself in familiar territory and it felt like my life was over.  The pity party that came next was impressive by any drama queen’s standards.  Then, while scrolling through Pinterest one day, I found a saying about a semi-colon and it flipped the script for me.

A semi-colon is where an author could have ended the sentence, but chose to continue. 

This resonated with me so deeply that I instantly realized - my story isn’t over. It will continue. I will keep going. 

So, I took pause, regrouped, and began writing the end of my story.  I also got a semi-colon tattoo on my wrist so I see it every day as a reminder that where I go next is always up to me.  

It’s only an ending if you want it to be.

Is this your semi-colon moment?  If you are ready to Start Again, but don’t know where to start, sign up for The Breakup Bundle - designed for the single mom who is short on time and money.

Why you should throw all the rules out the window when you’re building a new business.

There’s a reason why you’ll see advice every which way to Sunday on how to start a business, build a social media following or the steps needed to make it successful. 

No matter what it is you’re looking to do, there is never any shortage of experts available to share their “must have” strategy. 

The challenging part is to discover which will work for you, right? 

We have a tendency to believe there is a secret to being successful and we just need to tap into that wisdom. 

If you’re like me you’ve likely spent time, money and energy trying to recreate someone else’s success by following their advice only to learn another method that contradicts that from someone else.  

Here’s the thing.  We are all unique. 

We have different skillsets, talents and goals. 

The way we learn is different. 

There are so many ways to explain why this is true.

Human Design, Astrology, Numerology all attempt to explain it from a spiritual perspective.

Birth Order, our childhood experiences and the society we’re born into will describe how our environments shape who we are.

The fact of the matter is - it’s all correct and accurate if that’s what you are inclined to believe.

As a result, that is also why knowing how to make your business successful will have just as many recommendations on what you should do. 

I’ve created a three step method that has proven success time and time again with my clients. 

It’s a simple process that silences the noise and points you in the right direction.

Coincidentally, it’s why you should throw all the “rules” out the window.

Step one -Test & Repeat

By all means, I recommend learning what strategies are recommended. 

We are living in the information age. There is no longer an excuse for anyone to not do something because they don’t know how. 

You literally have information at your finger tips. 

The internet has brought its share of challenges which can be debated, but there is a wealth of knowledge available to anyone at any time.  You can learn all you need to know with a quick google search.

It’s no longer necessary to complete a long certification process and traditional learning in a classroom is simply not the only way to gain knowledge anymore.

You have unlimited resources now when it comes to learning a new strategy, set of rules or process to build a successful business. 

The challenge is knowing which is right for you. 

Step one is to test and repeat. 

Gather information, try it out and see what your results are. 

Then try another method, look at the data and test again. 

It’s through the process of trying out new strategies that you’ll find what works for you and in the process what doesn’t.  

Step two - Do More of what works and less of what doesn’t.

It seems like common sense, doesn’t it? I see it time and time again, though. 

New entrepreneurs are pushing their way through building a social media following because everyone tells them they should. 

Focusing more time and energy on the right hashtags, engagement activities and achieving that little blue checkmark but it’s not actually resulting in new clients. 

When it comes to building an audience, it matter less about what strategy you are using and more about what works. 

Where are YOUR people.  That’s where you need to be. 

How do they want to engage with you?

What has been effective thus far?  Do more of that. 

If social media isn’t working, why do you continue to bark up that tree?

For every “rule” there is, you will find another that contradicts it. 

Some will swear by their strategy about sending DM’s in LinkedIn while another expert is touting their method for super successful Facebook ads. 

Yet another expert will be recommending their brilliant networking strategy that is guaranteed to book clients.

My challenge to any new entrepreneur is to pay attention what has worked, what feels natural and simply do more of that. 

Quit spinning your wheels on all the things you’ve been told to do that simply aren’t working for you and your business. 

Pay more attention to your results than the never ending list of recommendations from experts. 

You are the expert when its comes to your business - what you are attempting to accomplish and why?

step three - Tap into your inner wisdom & intuition.

The one piece of advice I give more often than anything else is:

Trust your gut. 

It’s the easiest way to describe what it means to follow your own intuition. 

Your inner being, your highest self, the universe, source, God are all ways of describing the same thing. 

There is a universal wisdom that we as humans can tap into, but we are not trained to do this. 

You have access to the blueprint that you need for your success here on earth.  

It’s your intuition that allows you to be guided. 

Follow the whispers and it will lead you to what works for you and your business. 

It will direct you to the “right” expert, the new strategy, the idea in the shower to follow up on.  It’s what reminds you to call an old friend at the right moment. 

It’s what will lead you to the one opportunity that has the biggest impact.  

Tapping into the wisdom that we all have access to takes practice. 

It’s takes some time to build trust in ourselves. 

It is the result of following the hits of intuition and seeing positive results that builds your confidence.

Then, rinse and repeat. 

Keep testing.

Do more of what works, less of what doesn’t. 

Follow your own intuition. 

This is the three step method to a successful business.  Simple.  Not necessarily easy, but proven, effective and true. 

Ready to get started?  Let’s Chat! on a complementary intro call - how to start your new business when you don’t know where to start.

3 Reasons We Self Sabotage & How to Stop

What's your favorite way to self-sabotage? You know what I'm talking about.⁠ That moment when things start to go well.⁠ Like so well, that you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.⁠ Then, it doesn't and things are still ... just good. 😳⁠

So ... ⁠

🤦🏻‍♀️ You pick a fight.⁠

🤦🏻‍♀️ Find a reason to be upset - for no reason at all.⁠

🤦🏻‍♀️ You yell at your kids.⁠

🤦🏻‍♀️ You get annoyed in traffic.⁠

Yup - enter our friend, self-sabotage. ⁠Only, it's not really your friend, is it?⁠ There are three reasons we do this.

One - our Comfort Zone

In The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks describes this concept so well. We have a threshold for happiness. There is a certain amount of happiness that we are accustomed to. For a lot of us, that’s not very much. Most of us are used to being in “fix it” mode and our brains are used to solving problems. This means, our minds are always searching for the next problem to solve. Looking for something to be wrong. Once we bump up against this top boundary of our comfort zone, we get uncomfortable. It’s weird and strange and we don’t like being outside of what feels “normal”, so we create a problem to solve.

Enter Self Sabotage. This is the most common reason we ruin our own happiness. We simply aren’t accustomed to feeling that happy for that long, so we do something to bump us back down to feeling just sorta kinda happy, but not really. Example. So things are going well for you and you are finally in a relationship … just like you’ve been wanting. You have been single for so long and you met this dream partner. You’re having fun getting to know him/her and it feels really good. What’s the problem? There isn’t actually a problem. You’re happy. It feels good. For too long.

Your comfort zone is only feeling a little happy. Or only for so long. When it starts to feel unfamiliar, our brains do what they do. Look for a problem. When there isn’t one, we create one. We pick a fight over which restaurant to eat at or how to unload the dishwasher. It’s not that you really care about either, but you are back in your comfort zone. You’re happy, but not too happy. it’s in those moments that you can begin to recognize what the real issue is. You can flex this happiness muscle a bit and allow yourself to feel into the uncomfortable. You can teach yourself how to make the leap to more. I like to use this mantra: The Better It Gets, The Better It Gets.

two - experience creates our expectations

So, another aspect of this concept is simply that our experience has taught us what to expect and helped us to form beliefs. History has shown us what we think will happen next - from people, environments, etc. When you go to the grocery store, you know you’ll be bombarded with the “finding everything okay?” questions at every turn. You’ve had enough people ask you enough times that now you expect it. You know that being in the grocery store means people will ask you repeatedly so you don’t even register the interruption anymore.

What do you do, though, when you realize you’ve experienced less ideal situations that you don’t want to repeat. You’re in a healthy relationship now, but you’ve always dated assholes. When you’re happy and have the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop is a good indication that your experiences have created your expectation that something will go wrong next. The challenge is that just because that’s the way it’s always been, doesn’t mean that’s the way it has to always be moving forward. You get to teach yourself how to create new expectations. The first step is always recognizing where you’ve got a belief that needs changing. Then, you get to practice.

I like to use “it is safe” affirmations in this situation. It is safe to be happy. It is safe to be in a loving relationship. it is safe to be loved. It is safe to be cared for. It’s a good way to sit in that happiness that feels uncomfortable because history has shown you as soon as you’re happy, someone is mean to you. Or that people aren’t as sweet and kind as they seem in the beginning. In whatever way your experience has taught you to expect something bad to happen or something to go wrong, you get to pick a new story.

three - are you worthy of more?

At the root of each of these previous reasons is what is always there for everyone. There is a sense of “do I deserve this?” when you’re in a happy place. When our experiences have taught us to expect not so great things for long enough, we start to believe that we don’t deserve to be that happy. it’s usually not a conscious thought thought, though, and can take some effort to uncover. These underlying beliefs that limit our potential - it’s why they are called limiting beliefs. We believe things about ourselves that is holding us back. It keeps us from being happier. It keeps us from going where we want to go.

One of the reasons we self sabotage is simply because we don’t believe we deserve to be that happy. Pretty messed up when you see it in someone else. Just as messed up when you see it in yourself. Of course, you deserve to be happy. You are worthy of every desire you have. I am worthy affirmations are a good way to change the belief, but also to recognize where the limiting beliefs are.

When you say, “I am worthy of more”, it’s vague enough to get behind it. As you get more specific, though, it can uncover where you don’t actually believe you deserve more. I am worthy of being a millionaire. I am worthy of a healthy relationship. I am worthy of gifts for no reason. I am worthy of people being kind to me. I am worthy of … Keep going until you bump up against one that feels not quite true. Well, other people are but not me. 👈 Limiting Belief to change.

Self Sabotage is a familiar comfort zone, but one that is not doing us any favors. it’s not until you decide you want more that you get to practice allowing it in. You get the opportunity to teach yourself how to want more and how to allow yourself to receive it. As always, change can feel hard, but it doesn’t have to be. It get to be easy and fun!

A goal without a plan is just a wish

As you go, taking action, one step at a time, the path unfolds before you.

Trust it’s there and it will be.

When I tell you I’ve done things before I was ready or taken these grand leaps of faith even when I was scared, it’s true.

But there have been plenty of days when I couldn’t force myself to leave my couch.

Instead, I binged Netflix all day and started drinking wine at noon.

Or I holed away and hid in a good book.

Or avoided what I “should” be doing and took my kids swimming instead.

Not my finest hour or wisest admission, perhaps, but honest.

Let’s be real.

We are all human and being overwhelmed is a natural instinct, especially when starting something new and embarking on big adventures.

So my advice is to start small when the end goal seems too big.

When I’m staring at a blank page and willing myself to write, I will tell myself, “you can’t edit a blank page.”

The same philosophy applies to most things.

I haven’t experienced anything in my life that requires perfection out of the gates.

So write a crappy first draft so you have something to edit.

Then, move onto the next phase of making it pretty.

Many times, the nudge is all that’s needed to get started and then momentum takes over.

As you write, you build confidence.

After you create your online dating profile and you start to see matches, you’re more confident to move the next step.

As you allow yourself to dream, you begin to see what’s actually possible.

The momentum of success will propel you forward.

Give yourself permission to make some progress and stop aiming for perfection.

You want to know what I’ve learned from all of the courses I’ve taken and all the books I’ve read and all the coaches I’ve hired?

They all say the same thing using their own words: Do the damn thing.

Just remind yourself: It’s never too late & You’re never too old.

Here’s your first step …The “ You Got This” Method.

3 things I wish I would have known when starting my business

One - You know more than you think you know

This is really the same old adage to trust your gut written a new way.  We all know more intuitively about what direction we need to go in, what will sell and what we should be doing.  It’s easy to feel uneducated, under certified or as if we are missing some wisdom that only the most successful entrepreneurs know.  The reality is, though, we know who we are being called to serve.  Whether you are selling the newest widget or offering personalized services, you know who you are doing it for. 

You know what they need and what they want. Hint - this isn’t usually the same thing. 

We all too often will second guess ourselves, feel doubt creep in and find all sorts of reasons why we are not the person to do this super special thing.  Nonsense.  This is just Imposter syndrome kicking in and it affects every single person who ventures into new territory.  It does’t matter if you’re wanting to write a book, start a new business or even just looking for a new job.  Our minds will come up with every reason why we should not do this new scary thing because our brains are wired to keep us safe. 

If you say in your comfort zone, your overactive mind has done what it was designed to do - protect you from danger.

You’ll also remain bored, unfulfilled and burnt out.  Nothing good ever came from comfort zones.  It’s where dreams go to die.  So if you’re looking at a new venture, go back to your why often.  Why am I doing this?  Who needs what I have to give?  What will happen to them if you are selfish and keep your gift to yourself?

Two - Filter out the noise 

If you are a brand new coach, you will be bombarded with new “friend” requests, sponsored ads and networking opportunities with people who are doing what you are doing - coaching others based on what they know.  One expert will be claiming their one post will snag you the clients you want that will get you to the elusive $10k/month mark.  The next expert has the solution to Facebook ads - stop wasting your money & sign up for their program!  The very next expert will be touting their LinkedIn strategy that go them to their first month of a waiting list filled with ideal clients.

Choose your platform carefully. 

What social media platform are YOU drawn to and where are YOUR people?  Start there.  Ignore the rest.  Go deep on one at a time and commit to adding others later. Learn all you can about the algorithms and what is most effective within that ONE platform before you get overwhelmed with anything more.  Remember: the whole goal should be to get that audience off that platform and on your email list. 

Vet the experts. 

What do you love about their success?  What is it about their vibe, expertise or knowledge that attracts you to them?  Are they claiming to teach you how to attract clients organically but you found them through paid advertising?  Pay attention to a select few to minimize the noise.

Limit your consumption. 

Once you decide on your strategy, stop listening. Stop looking for the next piece of advice.  Stop scrolling through social media and start doing what you were called to do.  Clean up your feed.  Unfollow the accounts that aren’t in line with your strategy.  Stop paying attention to the people who don’t mesh with your vibe.  Seriously and very intentionally limit the information you are consuming and who it’s from.

Three - Test for free

Social media is a bittersweet creation, if you ask me.  It’s brilliant in all the ways we can reach the masses who need what we have to give.  The vast amount of information that’s available at our fingers tips is astounding. It’s also a cesspool of vile and ugly sides of humanity. 

It’s a black hole for procrastination. 

The breading ground for insecurity and soul crushing comparisons. 

And yet, it’s brilliant for testing and growing a new business for free. 

Everyone will tell you to create free content and free offers as a mechanism to growing your email list.  It’s easy, it is free and it can reach strangers on the internet who need you.

This is the best advice I never got: If that FREE content doesn’t convert - do NOT put money behind marketing it.

Instead, go back to the drawing board.  Create and test again.  Analyze your results.  Rinse and repeat. 

Only when you free content is converting do you know you have something that works. 

THAT is what you put ad spend behind.  That is what you amplify with increased traffic through digital marketing.

I have an unpopular belief: It doesn’t take money to make money.  It just takes creativity.

So You Want To Write a Book?

When I think back to the first time I had the thought that I’d like to write a book, I recall a very timid, young teenager. I was sixteen and had just returned from a trip to California to visit my grandmother. While I was there, she shared with me two very important things: a confession of a dream lost and her personal library.

I have spoken about this many times before, but this moment was so profound for me. By learning about her desire to be an author and see the longing in her eyes for an unrealized dream, I learned two things:

1. I had the ability to want things this big, too. I could desire to write a book. I could dream bigger than what I thought was possible.

   ~ AND ~

2. I didn’t want to have regrets for my life that left me looking so sad.

The first book I chose to read from her bookshelf was Love Story, by Erich Segal. It was enchanting and I devoured the book in two days. It was the perfect book for a love sick teenager missing her new boyfriend while forced to vacation with her family. Instead of moping and dwelling on my own sadness, I got lost in this love story and was forever changed. Could I write a book one day? Did I want to be an author?

Perhaps, you can relate to the same desire.

Then life happened and I temporarily walked away from my own dream. I put it on a shelf and didn’t come back to it for another thirty years. Sure, the thought resurfaced many times over the years. The longing never quite went away. I just got lost in the day to day reality of raising babies and maneuvering in and out of three marriages.

When I finally let this dream out of the box I had kept it in, It felt exciting .. and daunting. This idea of writing a WHOLE book was overwhelming, to say the least.

Then the imposter syndrome kicked in:

• What did I know about writing a book?

• How would I find the time?

• Who would want to read what I wrote?

• I wasn’t smart enough to write an intelligent book.

• What would I even write about?

• How do I publish?

• Could I make any money?

So if you have the same dream burning inside of you, I have four tips based on my own experience:

One - You should absolutely write the book you are being called to write.

You are not given dreams and desires that are not meant for you. Just because you want to is reason enough.

Two - Learn what you don’t know.

You can do hard things. Learning what your writing process is will be a journey. Don’t expect perfection along the way and be willing to learn what you don’t know. Read books, find teachers, learn what you need to know.

Three - Baby steps will get you there.

Setting a lofty goal like writing a book will take a long time. Being able to break it out into smaller, more manageable steps will be important. Knowing how many words you want to write each day or every week will be a great way to keep yourself on task. One day at a time, baby steps along the way will get you there!

Four - Just Write

You can’t edit a blank page. This is the best advice I was given. In those moments when you are facing a blank page and don’t know where to start, just write. Put crappy words down on the page so you can get some momentum flowing. Editing is a separate phase. Don’t edit as you go, just write. Your first goal is just to get words on a page so you have something to work with.

When it comes to taking these concepts and putting them into action, we sometimes need someone to hold our hand and show us the way. I truly believe when the student is ready, the teacher appears. If you are looking for that sort of guidance, I welcome you into my own program.

Join Me - Let’s write your book!

Rocco Boy

This dog filled a gap.

And he did it so well.

I was ready for a companion, but not a relationship.

I was ready for company, but wasn’t interested in opinions on how to decorate my house or having any conversations that would challenge me.

Newly divorced, for the third time, I was lonely and scared.

Enter … my new guy, Rocco.

On my kid-free nights and weekends, he and I would Netflix and chill. Only not that kind. ;) I would pour a glass of wine, put on a show and say:

Alright, dude,

assume the position.

… which meant he would hop up on the couch next to me

and snore louder than any husband I’ve ever had.

His sleeping sounds were oddly comforting - similar to a husband but without the talking & arguing. He would just snuggle ... but only if I insisted. Otherwise, he would just be content to sleep on the other end of the couch while I lost myself in another romantic comedy or drama.

This dog has officially passed the torch, but I didn’t realize this until it was time to say goodbye.

Quite literally, he filled the gap until I was ready to have a man in my life. Those of you who are newly single know what I mean about this phase of life after divorce, where you are tender and need to retreat. But you are confused and filled with fear, so time alone can be so hard.

I have had a few men come into my life briefly over the past few years and Rocco would tolerate each one - but still expect his place on the couch. He gave off this Ok, you’re here now, but this is my spot kind of a vibe.

When Dan first met Rocco, this dog sat at his feet. He finally gave up his spot on the couch as if he knew - my work here is done. Rocco looked at him with the sentiment:

I’m tapping out dude. You got this? I’m so tired.

He has been so much more than my most favorite dog. I have loved this dog more than any other in my entire life and it’s a painful goodbye, but filled with SO MUCH gratitude and love that my heart almost can’t contain it.

Except God, Universe and Angels are so good. Of course my heart has expanded to have the capacity for this much gratitude & love.

God is good.

The Universe is kind.

This human life is beautiful.

We are so lucky to have these fur babies come into our lives and in such a short time teach us about our capacity to love.

Goodbye my sweet Rocco. Job well done. Rest well, my friend.

Yes, but HOW do I manifest?

In the woo-woo world of manifesting, there are gurus galore giving advice on how to call in your desires.

There’s a whole movie on the topic - you may have seen The Secret.

You don’t have to look very hard to find more people charging you to learn how to “get more money” than you know what to do with. I’ve discovered it’s rather simple in concept and most people are trying way too fucking hard.

Here are the basics:⁠⁠
⁠⁠
💡 You ask for what you want.⁠⁠
⁠⁠
😍 Believe it can and will happen.⁠⁠
⁠⁠
🤩 Imagine how you will feel when you get what you've asked for.⁠⁠
⁠⁠
❤️ Appreciate and express gratitude when it happens.⁠⁠

When it comes down to it, though, most people are left asking themselves What am I doing wrong? when day after day, they don’t have that thing they have asked for. What the hell Universe? Where’s my new man, that sporty car or millions in my bank account?

It can feel as if there’s some secret ingredient that’s missing or you’re doing it wrong. In reality, it’s usually not what’s missing that is the problem. It’s what’s stuck in the way. It’s the thing you can’t see that’s blocking your desires.

Limiting Beliefs.

We all have them. We usually don’t even notice they are there.

Limiting beliefs are simply things you believe to be true because you’ve thought them for so long. When you actually look at it, you can poke holes in it. You can ask yourself, wait, is this ultimately true?

For example, you want a new relationship, but all you do is complain about how much online dating sucks and constantly say things like: All the good men are taken. It doesn’t matter how many times you journal out your list of all the qualities of your perfect man or visualize him standing in front of you or FEEL him next to you. If you are sending out mixed signals to the universe, you’re getting in your own way. You are blocking your desires. You’re limiting your potential. These thoughts are your limiting beliefs.

Now when it comes to money, most of us are walking around with some really messed up ideas. We are carrying so many limiting beliefs about money and our ability to get more of it. There are so many layers to the crazy limiting beliefs about money and it can be quite complex to dig into your own. Our society simultaneously glamorizes & criticizes the uber wealthy.

Well, how are we supposed to call in more money if we also think those people who have lots of it are greedy or bad? Why would the universe give you something you actually don’t want?

Here are some of the more common limiting beliefs around money:

• Money is the root of all evil

• Rich people are just assholes

• Money is always running out.

• There’s never enough.

• People who drive expensive cars are pretentious.

• It takes money to make money.

It’s fascinating to me to listen to people talk about money, those who have it and those who don’t. We all have opinions, thoughts and ideas, but when we really stop to ask ourselves why we believe that or if it’s actually true, we will start to uncover the lies we tell ourselves. And THAT my friends is how you manifest more money. Tell yourself the truth. Shed the limiting beliefs and then go back up to the top of this post and try those manifesting steps again.

I’d love to hear your limiting beliefs about money. What have you been telling yourself? Comment below!

As always, if you need help identifying what’s keeping you stuck or what’s blocking your desires, we should work together!

3 ways to truly skyrocket your life after the big D

Do you know what I love about divorce?

Absolutely nothing.  It’s horrendous even with all its opportunity for growth.  But what comes after divorce, that phase of life where you get to start again, the do-over, and second-chance - that’s my jam.  With that theme in mind, what follows are the three ways to take your life after divorce and make it better than ever.  

Know who you are & give yourself permission to change

After divorce, there is a period of coming back to yourself, remembering who you are and also discovering who you want to be in the future.  This path of self discovery can be an enjoyable adventure as you give yourself permission to try new things and have some fun, but it can also be quite daunting as you work through some honest recognition that perhaps you’re not quite the person you want to be.  It is, however, a critical step on your path to true fulfillment and happiness. 

Why should we continue to do things a certain way just because that’s the way we’ve always done it? Divorce gives us an opportunity to ask: Who do I get to be now?

You have a chance to decide where to go from here.  You can change your mind and switch directions if you want.  You can choose a different career.  You can pick up an old hobby.  You can change your hair or buy new clothes.  You can redecorate your home or define a new style.  You can move.  You get to decide how the story goes from here and who this new you is going to be.  

Put your best foot forward & give the world the best you possible

We hear it packaged all sorts of ways: make time for self-care, take time for yourself, be sure to exercise and spend time doing what you love.  Happy wife, happy life.  Ain’t nobody happy if Mama ain’t happy.  But why don’t we actually believe it?

When you take time to make yourself a priority, you are actually giving the world the best you have to offer.  Putting yourself first and making your own happiness a priority actually makes you a better mom, employee, friend and family member. Self care does not equal selfishness.

All the ways you can be kind to yourself and learn that your needs matter will make you a better person.  A happier you who is well-rested, not carrying around unwanted weight, exercising and treating yourself occasionally just because it makes you feel good - these are all ways that you are creating the best version of yourself that you can be.   You matter.  Your happiness matters.  Your love of something just because it makes you happy - that stuff matters.  

If we can’t properly love ourselves, how on earth are we supposed to know how to love others?  Embracing the value of self-care is one small step toward fully preparing yourself to be the best partner you can be in your next relationship.  Self care is a beautiful way to teach us how we want to be loved.  It can be a valuable learning experience around what is important is how you feel the most fulfilled.  

Expect more & dream big

You have the ability to design your future.  This is your opportunity to really consider what you want and start to believe that it is possible.  You don’t have to know how to get there.  Playing it safe and playing small only keeps us from living the life of our dreams.  Your dream can be bigger than a new job or a new man or even things you can buy.  Reach Further.  

Beautiful girl, you can do amazing things.

You are new seeking to merely survive this life.  It’s not enough to just look back at the end of your life and think: Wow, I really survived a lot.  Instead of merely working to pay the bills, what if you aimed for the stars?  If the worst thing that happens is you end up on the moon, at least you didn’t settle for staying put on Earth.  What is the legacy you are leaving behind for your children?  What example do you set for them on how to live your best life?

Continue to grow and evolve.  Make a plan.  Keep track.  Do more of what’s working.  Do less of what’s not working.  Revise your plan.  Insist on not sitting still and instead become the best version of yourself that you can be, scars and all.  You were meant for a great life and you can do anything you set your mind to. 

So You’re Divorced, So What?  Where will you go next?

If you need help rewriting your story, download my free Start Again Guide as step one.

How to take better photos

Who are these naturally photogenic people and how do I become one of them?

I tend to be the one person in a group with my eyes closed or making some weird face.

For years, I hid behind the camera taking the pictures so I wasn’t in them. I felt too fat or not cute enough, my clothes made me look frumpy, I stood weird, my hair wasn’t done or my makeup was too light. You name it .. I had an excuse for why I shouldn’t be in the photo or why that one of me you just took was terrible.

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Now that my girls are grown, though, I love looking back at old photos and seeing what I looked like then, but there are so few pics of me to choose from. My second daughter looks JUST LIKE me twenty years ago and I love to see the similarities. Also, I would literally pay money to be as skinny as I was back then when I thought I was too fat. Seriously, younger me was kind of a dumbass.

Still to this day, I truly do not enjoy seeing photos of myself which is probably surprising if you follow me on Instagram where my page is basically just photos of me. Why? Because I’m selling a product and that product is me - a whole, healthy and happy human being helping others to become the same. In all my analytics, photos of me perform better than stock photos or even those of my dogs. At the end of the day, I’m using social media as a tool and Instagram is visual. I’m creating the picture of what I’m offering through my writing, online courses and coaching packages. That meant I needed to get comfortable being in front of the camera.

This took practice and oh my goodness so many retakes. I googled “how to pose in photographs” because I’m special like that. I copied other people and tried to stand how they did. Most of the time, that looked pretty dumb when I did it. I practice posing in the mirror daily. I take photos, delete and repeat. I learned new apps.

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I’ve learned a few tips along the way:

• Learn your “good side” - practice with selfies so you can see what you’re doing.

• Stick your chin out to the point that it feels weird.

• Tilt your head slightly - rarely does straight on work well.

• Shift your body to the side - it’s more flattering.

• Hold your arms out - not resting against your body.

• Presets are your friend - it takes the guesswork out of editing and makes your photos look better.

• Lightroom is easy to learn and makes applying those presets pretty simple.

• Do something, hold something, sit and stand - change it up and you’ll find what works for you.

• iPhone users - Portrait mode / Studio light is your new best friend.
  
  

So regardless of what you do for a living or how active you are on social media, being in photos is still important. Knowing how to take good photos is a learned skill, so practice often. My advice? Just do it - be in the photos! Moms, your kids want to look back and see YOU in their photos, too. They see you every day and the way we look changes over time. Being able to see you in photos as they remember you is such a gift to them.

Why resolutions don't work for me

I set intentions every year and this year is no different, but I gave up setting a long list of resolutions years ago. 

I have learned that I do better with deadlines, I need a big goal to work toward and a few smaller, easy to reach goals.

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Last year, I set out to:

• write two books and publish one

• to maintain my weight loss from the year before

• start working out more regularly

• to start a podcast

• read 24 books

• to start a new coaching business

• earn a living writing
  
  

When I look back on 2020 and these goals, I don’t feel discouraged that I didn’t write both books.  I published one! 

I did maintain my weight loss for the most part and I technically began working out more often. I will admit I spent most days in workout clothes without actually getting a work out in, but I have a cute new workout wardrobe and new running shoes now, too!  I never set out to be a serious athlete, so this “athleisure” lifestyle works for me.

I didn’t come close to reading 24 books - I only finished 11, but that was better than the 6 I read in 2019.  I count that as a win. 

I didn’t start my podcast, but I did get my feet wet with 3 interviews on podcasts at the end of the year. 

I started my new business and I am earning a living with my writing.  

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All in all, I would say 2020 goal setting was a successful endeavor, but I think the real success comes from how we view our progress.  I could easily say I suck at setting resolutions and feel like a failure because I didn’t write the second book or start my podcast.  Let’s face it, though, those are big goals!  To say I challenge myself would be an understatement. I find so much value in small wins along the way.  I try to balance my new year goals so I have some real challenges ahead of me, but also set myself up for feeling like I’m making some progress along the way.

I haven’t found that a long list of resolutions works well for me.  Setting out to suddenly be an active person who works out daily or becoming vegan overnight hasn’t been my path to success. I don’t see this being a great strategy for others either. Setting intentions, choosing appropriate goals and working toward those all year long, does tend to work out better.  Setting deadlines, holding myself accountable and recognizing what I actually accomplish leaves me feeling more successful overall.

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Here are the recommendations I have for each new year:

• Choose 1 to 3 big goals

• Choose 3 to 5 smaller goals

• Identify habits that need to go

• Break each down into realistic steps

• Keep track of your wins

• Monthly check ins

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Here’s the thing.  We all need something to work toward.  Having goals for improving your life leaves you with a sense of purpose.  How are you creating a better version of yourself? How are you building a life that you love?  Big changes take time.  Creating opportunities to feel like you are making progress along the way makes a significant difference.  Give yourself some easy lobs - it’s good for morale.  

Your goal should be self improvement, not to become a completely new person overnight. Setting lofty goals can be fun, but being realistic on what’s possible in the short term helps, too. Taking time to recognize what you do get done really matters. How are you a better person today than you were in January 2020?  That deserves celebration.  Making progress is the goal.  Just like the FWTFL motto says: Progress over Perfection.

If you need help with accountability, that’s where a coach, a new program or peer partners make a huge difference.  Create ways to be successful and get help where you need it.  My coaching programs are designed to meet you where you are.  Do you just need a monthly checkin and periodic accountability? I got you.  Need someone to help you set goals and track your progress weekly? I have a program for that too. 

Let me know how I can help!

Am I a pushover parent? Grief sometimes wins.

Mourning the loss of a loved one, the end of your marriage or even the loss of a friendship all carry similarities of grief. Each is as unique as the person you’ve lost, but all grief carries the same traits. I devoted an entire chapter of my book, So You’re Divorced, So What?, to this concept. I walked through the stages of grief and offered my suggestions on how to move through them, but one important thing to consider is this: You don’t get over grief, you get through it. It’s not something that you deal with once and never to feel that loss again. It’s not linear and it never really makes sense. It’s fluid and flows like the waves in the ocean. Sometimes gentle and other times viscous and brutal. Each and every person will grieve their loss differently than the next.

I’ve shared before how difficult it’s been for me to attempt to guide my son through the loss of his friend at 7 years old to brain cancer, but honestly, in all my parenting years, this has been the challenge that keeps on giving. How do you do that exactly? Each year that passes, we process a little more and in different ways. Today marks the anniversary of the day Brock left us. This year, he stayed home from school and last year he was ready to be with other friends. Again, not linear. Today, he has spent the morning watching a sweet Christmas movie, he took a break from reality in some video games, went outside to shoot his pellet gun and we built a fort for the little girls in this house to enjoy this afternoon. He’s such a sweet boy. Kind, thoughtful and still missing his friend and struggling how to process the sad.

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I typically try to follow my kids lead. I give them more grace than others think is necessary. It may appear that they rule the roost or call the shots, but like I tell them, I’m the one steering this ship. They may have more leniency with me than other moms allow for backtalk and general disrespect, but here’s what I know. There is no manual with parenting. Sure, I’ve read my share of parenting books from experts, but at the end of the day, no book, advice or even the child before them could ever adequately prepare me for parenting the child in front of me in that moment. What works for one of my children, doesn’t necessarily work for the next. So, I take all the advice in, absorb all the information I can and then take my kids’ lead on what they need from me.

I did read in a parenting book about divorce long ago that children will act out more with mom than anyone else because they know to the core of their being that unconditional love resides with their mom. They know without being told that no matter what they say or do, Mom will always love them. She is their safe space to release the emotions that are scary or don’t make sense. Have you heard it said that kids don’t say “I’ve had a rough day”, but instead they ask “will you play with me?” I don’t know how much I’ve actually believed this, but in the past two decades of parenting, I have done my best to remind myself of that in moments when they are having an outburst, even when it looks like I’m being soft or too lax to others watching me. It has given me the chance for an extra breath and take pause before reacting. The other day, I called my youngest daughter on it in a moment of exceptional sassiness. I asked her why she was so rude to me and not other people. She actually said, “because you’re my mom. I know you still love me.”

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When it comes to helping my son navigate this grief process, that has meant that some days, I allow him to avoid his feelings altogether. Other times, I prod gently to encourage him to feel the sadness in tiny bits at a time. When we first told him about his friend going to heaven, his first words were “so, they didn’t find a cure?” It broke my heart - a child’s innocence and belief in the impossible shattered in an instant. When we pushed a little too hard to talk about it, he would come back with “It’s just too sad.” So, on the anniversaries and important days, I let him get lost in video games or stay home from school. I follow his lead. Even if this means he is taking advantage of the situation to avoid school that he hates. I’ll give him this pass because, you know what? His friend died and I can’t bring him back or take away his sadness no matter how many times I pray to God to let have his sadness instead. I can handle so much heartbreak and pain. I won’t break. I know I can survive it, but watching him hurt is worse than all the pain I’ve endured before now.

If you’ve navigated this territory and have any advice, please comment below. I’m sure I speak for others who are reading when I say, we are all ears. I may coach women how to grieve the loss of their divorce, but I feel out of my territory with this one, still, four years later.

How I handled Coparenting with Covid

Coparenting together from two different houses can be a challenge in and of itself, but what do you do when covid hits one house and not the other?  Let me tell you a tale of our experience …

It all started on a Tuesday with a request from the littles’ dad who wanted to take my son hunting Wednesday morning before school. This is a whole thing in Texas during hunting season & my son equally loves hunting and hockey.  Normally, I would have insisted that this father/son bonding wait until the weekend, but I decided to practice what I preach and pick my battles. Instead of putting my foot down out of principle, I told him instead: I will take your lead on this one.  I really do think it’s important in this coparenting relationship for us both to allow the other parent room to call the shots from time to time.  But I digress.

Fast forward to the next day when Dad starts running a fever and goes to get his previously scheduled covid test (he had a weekend trip planned and everyone agreed to testing prior to getting together).  Covid Positive.

Well, damn.  After we all saw him Tuesday evening and my son spent the morning in a deer stand with him.  So now my son has been exposed, the question becomes does he stay there or come home and possibly expose us all, if we weren’t already?

Here’s what I have learned:

• No one really knows about this virus - even doctors disagree

• Positive test results only after fever started for the two adults

• 10 days - is the quarantine wait after symptoms begin and/or exposure

• Symptoms vary from person to person - cough, fever, congestion, chills, aches, headache, etc.

• 3 days - how long you need to be fever free to be deemed not contagious

Our Thanksgiving break from school didn’t go as planned.  My daughter stayed with me and neither of us ever got sick.  We isolated to minimize the risk to other people and thankfully, we stayed healthy.  My son quarantined at Dad’s house and did show very minor symptoms, but never ran a full blown fever.  The adults were hit much harder and now we are awaiting retesting results.

I will venture to guess that our experience isn’t all that rare.  Did you see my “I’m so sad” post awhile back?  It was beyond difficult for me to be away from my son when he had the potential of being very sick.  The fear of the unknown was in full swing for me.  I am so grateful that he wasn’t.  I have never spent more than a week away from my littles since my divorce, so 14 days seemed like an eternity.  

I missed my son like crazy.  My daughter was so sad to not see her brother and her dad for so long - especially when we live so close.  My son was devastated to miss his hockey tournament and even missed being here with us when given the chance to play video games nonstop for days on end.  Their dad missed his baby girl and her sweet hugs.  

We managed to do a few things that helped ease the angst and separation a bit:

• We did a driveway visit several times where my son would sit at his bedroom window and we’d talk to him on the phone.  As his voice came through the car speakers (thank you bluetooth), it was almost like a drive-in movie.  Who am I kidding?  It was not at all the same thing. 

• We dropped off treats every couple days to the Covid House.  Meds with Pedialyte and Gatorade one day, Lemon pie or his XBOX another day.  Kindness always wins and, for me, it was easier to wait when I can do something to help and didn’t feel quite so helpless.

• FaceTime is a godsend when you can’t be in person.  It’s not quite the same, but it does help to be able to see each other’s faces.  We spent most of Thanksgiving video chatting with everyone we couldn’t be with.  It did help a tiny bit.

• I learned to vary my questions and use them sparingly.  It gets old to answer “How are you feeling?” every single day for two weeks.  Offers to help are better received than asking over and over again for an update that takes days for the status to change.  Patience is not my virtue, but it was much needed while we waited.

All in all, I’m very grateful it wasn’t worse and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I am eager to get back to our “normal” life where we share kids who bounce back and forth between two houses - together. Who knew I’d ever say THAT?

My dad was the boogie man

I only say this because that’s what he told me growing up. You are scared of the boogie man? I am the boogie man.

Have you seen the movie train wreck? If not, the next sentence is a bit of a spoiler.

There is a part of the movie where Amy Schumer's character is standing up to speak at her father's funeral and she starts by saying, "My dad was an asshole."

I think this was supposed to be a shocker moment, but I chuckled and thought "Hey, mine too!".

Listen, if you've read my book, you know I had some challenges with my father growing up.

If you know me well, you know this may be a bit of an understatement.

But here's the thing. Today, he is the only person in my family who I still have a relationship with and it's a really good one.

He is my biggest fan with this book despite the fact that it painted him in a not so pleasant light.

He told me recently, “Covid slowed everyone down but you.”

So while I may use examples from my childhood to say "hey our experiences don't define us", I will also tell you the people we grow up with do. Those early relationships do define us.

This man was instrumental in making me who I am today.

The reason I don't back down from a challenge is because that's what he taught me to do - both by example and with his words and expectations. He had extremely high expectations for his children growing up, but only because those for himself were so much higher.

My work ethic comes from watching him work really hard to provide for his family. We may have struggled financially, but that was not because he was lazy or not motivated. He told me during one of my single mama days when he came over to fix my air conditioner that the reason he pushed me so hard to go to college was because he didn’t want me to know how to do things like that. He didn’t want me to work hard doing what he called menial labor for not enough money. He knew education was my ticket out of a life of struggle. So he insisted that I go to college. I credit my grandmother for being the example that it could be done, but my father’s expectations fueled that desire. He never gave me a choice and that resulted in me knowing that was just something I would do. Even if I didn’t know how.

My strength and courage to handle scary shit comes from him doing that in a way that made him appear fearless. He literally ran through tornado filled thunder storms under a blanket to come get me from a friend’s house just because I was scared as a little girl.

My tenacity and grit - also him. He never gave up on a project until it was done. When he didn’t know how to fix one of our cars, he bought another manual and taught himself how.

He taught me there was nothing I couldn't do just because I'm a girl. I learned how to play and love baseball. I learned how to shoot guns. I ran faster than the boys in my neighborhood.

He taught me how to be self sufficient and stand on my own two feet. As a result, I do most of my home projects myself. When in doubt, I know I can simply Call Dad and he’ll help me out of whatever bind I’m in. So I may be a single mom, but I can change my tire, fix my garbage disposal, install a new car door handle, change out faucets and install light fixtures. Chances are I’m a better painter than you or anyone you know.

While he likes to give me a hard time for driving too fast, that's also on him. He claims it’s genetics because his uncle was a race car driver, but I knew from an early age what it felt like to ride in a car that went fast and all I know now is I still like it.

So while I may point out the not so great memories because it helps me paint the picture on where I came from, let me also be the example that relationships can be mended. Most of the healing is internal work for you with a healthy dose of accepting people for who are and giving credit where credit is due.

If you need my help, let’s chat more. I can walk you through it step by step.

Panic Attacks are just rude.

Do you experience these, too?

Anxiety. Fear. Stress. It’s the driving force behind most of these events.

I have suffered from panic attacks my entire adult life, only I didn’t realize that’s what it was .. for years! Sure, if you look at my life on paper, it makes sense for why I’d be struggling to deal with stressful situations. Teen pregnancy, young marriage, divorced and remarried before 30, blended families, new babies after a LONG gap, two more divorces before 40, being let go from two jobs in less than a year as a single mom.

I’m sure y’all get it. Life can be hard.

But why does anxiety react in our bodies to the point that we question if we might actually die? Talk about a dramatic way to get our attention.

For me, my panic attacks usually are a wake up call to fears I have been avoiding. Only for me, it shows up as my heart beating in all the ways that are not fucking normal.

I’ve learned after:

• multiple trips to the ER

• many doctor visits (including various types of cardiologists)

• seeing a chiropractor

• regular appointments with my massage therapist

• working with an energy healer

… that my heart is just fine. As in, it is not unhealthy in the least. I am not at risk of a heart attack, but these panic attacks have generated such fear in the past that all of that knowledge, reason and logic flies out the window in the moment of my heart beating so fast and so hard that I feel like I’ve just ran a marathon.

For the record, I have never done this. I have no idea what it feels like to run a marathon or how fast my heart-rate would be. I’m just going to guess it’s pretty similar to the speed that has sent me to the ER on more than one occasion.

So, I’ve found some things that work really well for me when anxiety is screaming at me. It’s been lots of trial and error. What works one day doesn’t always work the next, but in the event it may be helpful to you, I’m sharing some lessons learned.

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3 ways to soothe a panic attack…

Meditation

Generally, meditation is my go to for its calming nature, but in the heat of a panic attack, I can’t typically guide myself. Panic isn’t linear or logical, so I can’t talk myself out of it. It’s all energetic and emotions, so I usually need something to help me not think about it.

This is simply not a time when affirmations or positive self talk is enough to calm the physical response to fear that my body is having.

Sometimes, peaceful music or binaural beats are enough, but I recently discovered a guided meditation on Insight Timer for Panic Attacks and this is PURE MAGIC.

There have been times in my life when an attack has lasted on and off again for hours. In less than 12 minutes, this man’s voice gets my body out of freak out mode - every single time I’ve used it.

Breath-work

Initially, when I first started having panic attacks, I could simply lie down flat on my back and slow my breathing and it would slow my speeding heart-rate in a matter of minutes. This became less effective as time went on, but depending on the level of stress, it does still work at times.

The guided meditation I suggested is teaches you a very specific way to breathe, but in the midst of a full blown panic attack, I have been better at following directions than remembering how to breathe on my own.

Go figure.

Get physical

First, changing your location can sometimes be enough to break the emotional response to whatever has triggered a panic attack. Exercise, in general, has been proven to reduce anxiety and help prevent future panic attacks. Sometimes, it can be as simple as: Move Your Ass!

And then. Other times, it’s not.

Bringing your awareness to your physical experience can also be very helpful. Fear and stress can be a bit illogical at times, so forcing your mind to focus on what you are physically sensing can be an excellent way to break out of the chaos of a panic attack.

Pay attention and say out loud what you notice about your five senses. What do you see, here, smell, taste, and touch?

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Now, once you’ve managed the actual event of a panic attack and found the soothing that your body needs in the moment, it’s time to get to work on resolving the underlying issue that’s causing them. Panic attacks aren’t something we need to learn to accept as normal, but they are super common. In fact, according to these stats, 1 million Americans experience panic attacks each month. The good news, though, is that 70-90% of patients are helped significantly by seeking treatment. Oftentimes, treatment can be as simple as talk therapy.

Key takeaway - you are not alone if you experience panic attacks. You just might need a little help.

Also, it should go without saying, but I am not a trained medical professional.

For any heart ailments such as the ones I’ve described should always be reviewed by your doctor to rule out actual life threatening problems.

Latest information from the CDC says: Despite increases in awareness over the past decades, only about half (56%) of women recognize that heart disease is their number 1 killer.

• Heart disease is the leading cause of death for women in the United States, killing 299,578 women in 2017—or about 1 in every 5 female deaths.2

• Heart disease is the leading cause of death for African American and white women in the United States. Among American Indian and Alaska Native women, heart disease and cancer cause roughly the same number of deaths each year. For Hispanic and Asian or Pacific Islander women, heart disease is second only to cancer as a cause of death.3

• About 1 in 16 women age 20 and older (6.2%) have coronary heart disease, the most common type of heart disease:4

  • About 1 in 16 white women (6.1%), black women (6.5%), and Hispanic women (6%)

  • About 1 in 30 Asian women (3.2%)

Divulging My Biggest Mom Guilt

Just in case you think I have painted a pretty little picture of the perfect mom who is always zen … Let me be clear … perfect, I am not.

The one thing I still don’t get right way too often is that I yell at my kids. Like raise my voice with curse words when I’m frustrated, angry or upset. It could be their inability to follow directions the first, third or eighth time I’ve told them to do something … because children. It could be the fact that they move at the pace of molasses falling leisurely out of a bottle. It could be that I’ve procrastinated again and didn’t start dinner early enough. It could be that I’m wrestling with my own emotions about something that has nothing to do with them.

When I am stressed … l tend to raise my voice. I still wonder … can my neighbors can hear me?

Now, I have applied all that I teach and this does happen way less often than it used to, but that’s, in a large part, due to the fact that our lives look so different now. We have been home for six months and the closest we have come to running late is when we are in the next room and two minutes late for a zoom call. Pre-covid, I had cultivated a life where my kids took on more responsibility, we prepared more the night before and our mornings generally ran smoother. That all meant - less yelling.

However, last night, we fell into old patterns. Here’s the thing. We are all a work in progress and while I logically know what to do, I am human. Our muscle memory with emotions is strong! My triggers can be adjusted, but that shit takes time. And it takes practice.

Which brings me back to last night - MOM FAIL.

It was our first night of soccer practice. I was trying to pick up the house, finish some work and cook dinner at the same time. My beautiful sweet children - not so helpful. I was stressed, felt anxiety boiling up at the idea of being late to the very first soccer practice and I fell right back into old habits. Guess what? It felt terrible.

After rushing through dinner, hustling children into the car, mom yelling the whole time, I’m driving down the road and I can feel my heart beating faster, my hands gripping the steering wheel. I was STRESSED the F out.

Now, if you’ve been following my for awhile now, you’ve heard me say we can choose the way we want to feel. While that is true and it is really that simple, it is not easy. In the heat of the moment of those negative feeling emotions, it is not easy to shift the energy.

Here’s what I do know, though. I know what works ... for me. I only know this by trial and error and lots of practice! So, I turned on my Zen music from my meditation app. I turned up the volume and just drove. My kids were confused. I slowed my breathing. I reconnected with the sense of calm that I know from meditating or sitting in nature. The only reason I could do this was because I’ve practiced how I want to feel. Often and repeatedly.

After just a few minutes, I felt calmer. I turned off the music, tilted my rearview mirror down so I could see those sweet faces in the backseat and I said to them, “Your mama needs to chill out!”

Y’all. The look on my daughter’s face said it all. Her eyes got big, she lifted her eyebrows and looked out the window as if to say: Yeah, no kidding!

Then, I had the opportunity to use my failure as a teaching moment. I talked through why I was stressed out and admitted that I handled it poorly. Finally, I apologized.

Our kids don’t need perfect parents - thank God! They need us to lead by example and show them how to handle adversity. They need to feel safe and loved and secure. I can assure you that a yelling mom does not do that. But one that apologizes and explains that my anger is not their fault can help. Teaching them how to handle other people’s anger in a way that they don’t internalize that shit - what a life lesson.

So, I am still a work in progress, but I am getting closer each day to the kind of mom I want to be. How about you?

You spent how much? On What?

Can I just tell you about the first online course I signed up for?  I felt batshit crazy, but I spent $550 to learn how to write and publish my book. I enrolled in Author School: Pen To Published. I couldn’t fathom spending that all at once, so I broke it out in the payment plan option, but here’s what happened.  It started a chain reaction, once I did that one, I was led to another and then another.  Now, I’m hooked. It’s my favorite way to learn.

Now, it’s no secret that I love books.  I love to read them, I love to talk about them. I start book clubs, I belong to more than one at a time.  Now, thanks to that very first online course, I can actually say I write books, too.  Like for real, I love words, learning on my own and the ability to decide how quickly I consume new information.  Binge the whole book in a single sitting? Sure, I’ve done that.  Take weeks upon weeks to get through a tough read on an important topic?  Yup, been there, too.

Here’s what I have learned about online courses, though. It’s like sitting down to have a conversation with the person who wrote the book on this new topic.  I can listen to a first hand experience of someone who has done what I want to know how to do.  Only, it’s the shorthand version. It’s the cliff notes of their collective knowledge, experience and advice.  They always share what they wish they had known when they first started.  

Online courses are all so different.  Sometimes, it’s just audio, but most of the time they include videos.  Sometimes, they are scheduled live trainings. There are usually actions suggested in the way of homework or next steps.  They require you do DO something with what you’ve just learned.  It’s the next best thing to hiring a coach to walk you through it one on one.  Online courses are designed to get you to invest in yourself because here’s the deal.  As soon as you say, “okay I’m going to pay this money to learn how to do this new thing", you are holding yourself accountable.  This goal of yours becomes real and then you have less standing in your way. 

Do you know how many people spend money on courses and never finish them?  I find there are two reasons for this. One, some people get scared and listen to their limiting beliefs more than their desire, but more times than not, it wasn’t what was contained in the course that you need. It was the belief in yourself.  The idea that you can take a step forward and take action toward your new goal is all some of us need to move the needle forward. Sometimes, just buying the course is all you need to to nudge you into doing the damn thing.

Dean. Graziosi says that only 9% of people finish online courses.  Personally, I take that as a personal challenge. I have finished every one I’ve ever purchased.  I have two I am currently making my way though, but mark my words, I will complete them both.  And then I’ll buy another.

So the question is, what is your next online course? Perhaps, you are being called to one of mine like Chaos To Calm.

Beliefs are only thoughts you've repeated ...

Wednesday Wisdom ... passing along what I've learned.  You have the power to create the life you want and you are only limited by your beliefs.  Did you know a belief is only a thought that's been repeated?  

Our minds are crazy powerful.  It can completely limit you or open up the possibilities depending upon the quality of your thoughts.  It’s important to determine what you’re doing more of.  When faced with a challenge or new situation, what is your first response?  I think it’s interesting when we make decisions based on something we believe to be true, but it’s nothing more than something we’ve said to ourselves long enough or heard often enough that now we actually think it’s true.

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In a session the other day, I was working with a client on one of her limiting beliefs she didn’t realize was guiding her entire life.  She was telling me about a recent trip to the ER with what she thought was appendicitis pain.  She was describing this pain and her inability to understand why her body was hurting, but the ER doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with her.

“Sounds like your body is trying to get your attention,” I said to her.  We kept digging into this idea and what could be going on.  We discussed the acuteness of her pain, the tests the doctors ran, the inconclusive results.  Then she says, “I am just a bad person.”

Her words struck me in that moments. It was so clear to me.

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I’ve heard it said that the more aligned we are with our Inner Being and the more in alignment we are with God (one and the same, actually), the more bliss we feel.  We can literally use our feelings as our guidance system.   I have found this to be so true with myself and my clients time and time again.

When my client said she was a bad person and then described how much her body was in pain, it was so evident to me.  I pointed out that there was nothing physically wrong with her and yet she was feeling real pain.  The doctors ran every test they could and released her with no prescribed medicine to take or any recommendations for another doctor or specialist.

Put quite simply, her thoughts were hurting her.  She has a belief that she is a bad person based on the things her roommates are telling her and her life experience, but she doesn’t actually believe it.  She doesn’t actually think she is a bad person, but when she says those words out loud and when she thinks that, though, she feels pain.  Her body was showing her what she hadn’t realized in her mood or emotions. She felt terrible.  She has been feeling down for so long, she no longer registered her negative emotions as a sign that something was wrong.  She was holding onto a belief so far removed from the way God sees her that it actually physically hurt her.  

I believe our emotions can be an incredible guidance system, but when we ignore them for too long or numb them with vices, our bodies will step in and be the guidance system to get our attention.  Ignore the emotions and feelings long enough and it will pop up as an ailment in your body.  Oprah says if you ignore the whisper, you’ll get a nudge.  If you ignore the nudge, you’ll get knocked over.  I’m paraphrasing, of course, but the point is that your body will step into get your attention as a last resort. 

When we dig into the things we believe, we can often find a repeated thought that we hold as truth when in fact, it has no basis of truth at all.  In what way do you no longer question the thoughts you hold?  In which ways is your body telling you something you’ve missed because you ignored the emotional clues?  

Tap into the connection you have with God through prayer.  Align with the universe and the source of all goodness in meditation and you will feel what I’m talking about.  Pull away from that well-being and start to believe false statements and it will feel terrible.  Go ahead - I dare you to pay attention.  It’s fascinating.