How I used Reiki principles to minimize conflict with my ex.
This whole notion of co-parenting makes me laugh when I really stop to think about it. Even though I couldn’t manage to stay married to this person, I somehow think it’s possible to successfully work together to raise our children? We agreed on next to nothing when we were married, but we are under the delusion that we will miraculously figure out how to be on the same page about discipline and consequences?
Now listen. He and I have said some pretty terrible things to each other. Our history is tainted with trauma, unhealed wounds, and a good dose of mistreatment. It’s so easy for me to label him as this or that. It’s simple for me to blame him and feel completely justified. And I have. I have spent many nights drinking wine with my girlfriends lamenting this shitty hand I was dealt. I’ve been seething with anger, frustrated by his choices, and just downright hurt by his actions.
And yet. I know this to be true. It is possible to have a successful working relationship with this person you used to be married to.
This is what I always come back to and the question I ask myself to guide my choices:
What is best for my kids?
Last year, I got my Level I Reiki certification and I learned all about this ancient Japanese healing practice. The Reiki Precepts are guidelines for using and working with this healing energy. As a reminder, they are included in the prayer you say at the beginning of each session. It wasn’t until I repeated those precepts out loud that I saw a connection between what I had been doing to cultivate this good working relationship and where I was still getting hung up.
Reiki Precepts:
Just for today, I will let go of anger.
Just for today, I will let go of worry.
Just for today, I will count my many blessings.
Just for today, I will do my work honestly.
Just for today, I will be kind to all living things.
Let go of Anger
If you’ve taken my Chaos to Calm course, you know I am a big proponent of “letting go” of plenty. These first two out the gates are doozies, though. I don’t know about you, but my anger is justified. Here’s what I’ve also learned about anger - it just covers up hurt. Anger serves a purpose if we allow it to help us. Where are you ignoring deep pain? That’s what makes you angry. To let go of anger though? That’s easier said than done. I find it helps to follow a three-step process to let go of anger:
Feel it - allow it - express it. The emotion won’t go anywhere till you give it a little wiggle room. So wiggle, move, walk, dance. It’s important to express the anger, so you can write a letter to say everything you need to without actually saying it to him. You can put the letter away, burn it, or choose to send it later. Then go for a walk. Have a dance party in your livingroom. Hit the gym. Physical activity allows the energy of the emotion to move and leave.
Next, acknowledge the space that’s now empty. Feel the spaciousness of the room that is left. Focus on what’s been cleared out.
Fill up the space with something new. Choose new thoughts that FEEL better. Consciously and with intention, choose how you want to feel instead. Mantras and affirmations can help with the repetition that’s needed to create new thoughts and beliefs.
Just for today, I will let go of anger.
Let Go of Worry
For the single moms out there, worry is like your little security blanket that you take everywhere with you but isn’t actually helping you feel safe. I know because that’s been me. When I have been waiting on child support to hit my account so I can buy groceries, I have worried. When my son has struggled with anxiety, I have worried. When my daughter is dealing with mean girl drama, I have worried. When my kids are with their dad, I have worried. Will they eat healthy food? Will they get to bed on time? Will they be allowed to call me if they are scared?
To be asked to let go of worry has been a tough pill to swallow, but here’s how I’ve done it. I leaned all the way into the first part of this precept. “Just for today”. When I give myself permission to worry tomorrow, it’s easier to let go of it … just for today. I can simply set it down temporarily.
Additionally, when I truly focus on what I have control over, it directs my concern appropriately. This is how I stay in my lane and begin the process to let go of worry. Can I control how quickly an electronic transfer hits my account? No. Can I create a meal from spare ingredients in my pantry? Yes. Can I control how my son reacts to stress at school? No. Can I equip him with coping strategies and teach him what I know about easing anxiety? Yes. Can I control how mean little girls are to my daughter? No. Can I teach her how to use what people say and do to choose her friends wisely? Yes. Can I control what my kids eat, when they go to sleep, or what they are allowed to do at their dads? No. Can I control what I think about when they are with their dad and pray for them and meditate on their safety? Yes. If you want to know my methods, comment below. I’ll write another blog about that!
Just for today, I will let go of worry.
Count My Many Blessings
This one is simply a gratitude practice. I have shared many times my favorite way to get started with journaling and how to practice gratitude. This shit takes practice! Our minds are wired for negativity, to keep us safe and look for problems. We are conditioned to see what’s missing, what’s wrong, or where the problem is to solve. It takes a very intentional effort to be grateful. This is my favorite way to get started.
Gratitude Journaling:
3 to 5 things you are grateful for
1 thing you are proud of
1 thing you are looking forward to
When we cultivate gratitude, our vibration rises. We attract more positive experiences. We begin to look for reasons to be happy and thankful. This is how you change your life. Baby steps are better than no steps. When you are talking about your ex, gratitude can be HARD. Here are some questions to get you started. What does he do well? What does he do for your kids that you can’t do or aren’t good at? What are they learning from him that will serve them well in life? Maybe it’s just that he showed up and is spending time with his kids. Even if he sucks at it, you are getting a well-deserved break. Don’t waste it.
Just for today, I will count my many blessings.
Do My Work Honestly
Listen. For single moms, we know work. We work hard. This part is a given.
To do my work honestly, though, requires a closer look. My “work” is to help women thrive after divorce. To share my experiences honestly has always been a fine line for me. To properly convey I get your struggles because they have been mine is necessary, but to do that in a way that doesn’t betray confidences or disrespect my kids’ need for privacy is a challenge. To do this work honestly sometimes requires sharing the truth about what I’ve experienced, which sometimes makes another person look “bad”. I choose to share through the lense of my experiences, my feelings, and my lessons.
Here’s what I will tell you about honesty and truth. It can be done gently. It can include some grace. I can be honest and not hurtful. So to do my work honestly means I will share my truth because it will help others. I will be careful about the way I speak about my children’s father. I will go out of my way to avoid name-calling, labels, and pointing the finger in a blame game. My feelings and my experiences are valid, though, just like yours.
Just for today, I will do my work honestly.
Be Kind to All Living Things
Now, this last one takes it all to another level altogether. When I first started stating this Reiki precept, I was just thinking about how it meant I should be kind to animals, even spiders that I take outside instead of killing them and squirrels who like to invade my attic. However, when I realized that my ex-husband is also included in the category of “all living things”, it gave me pause. I had to sit with this one. We’ve been cordial. We may not look each other in the eyes, but we hand off kids’ bags and belongings without any tension. We’ve been amicable, but have I been kind? I had to take a good look in the mirror on this one to admit that I don’t think this was true.
I’m well-practiced at not talking shit in front of my kids. I advise on how to speak about our exes while the little people in our lives are listening. Initially, being kind to him meant I bit my tongue. Simply not staying what I was thinking was a tiny step toward kindness. But if I’m being honest with myself and doing my work honestly, being kind to him meant I had to change my thinking. It meant I needed to change the thoughts I was having and not even saying out loud.
Being kind to him meant seeing situations from his perspective and getting curious about how he might feel. I started saying thank you and please. You know, using basic manners I had been reserving for perfect strangers. I ask about his family.
And honestly? I still bite my tongue a lot. I’m human, not perfect.
Just for today, I will be kind to all living things.
Reiki Precepts to Minimize Conflict
When it comes to minimizing conflict with your ex, come back to this question: What is best for your kids? Use that to guide your actions and formulate your thoughts. It will help.
Then repeat after me:
Just for today, I will let go of anger.
Just for today, I will let go of worry.
Just for today, I will count my many blessings.
Just for today, I will do my work honestly.
Just for today, I will be kind to all living things.
Interested in working together? Let’s schedule a Step One Consultation. In just one hour, we will set you on the path toward not giving a shit what your ex says or does!
How I handled Coparenting with Covid
Coparenting together from two different houses can be a challenge in and of itself, but what do you do when covid hits one house and not the other? Let me tell you a tale of our experience …
It all started on a Tuesday with a request from the littles’ dad who wanted to take my son hunting Wednesday morning before school. This is a whole thing in Texas during hunting season & my son equally loves hunting and hockey. Normally, I would have insisted that this father/son bonding wait until the weekend, but I decided to practice what I preach and pick my battles. Instead of putting my foot down out of principle, I told him instead: I will take your lead on this one. I really do think it’s important in this coparenting relationship for us both to allow the other parent room to call the shots from time to time. But I digress.
Fast forward to the next day when Dad starts running a fever and goes to get his previously scheduled covid test (he had a weekend trip planned and everyone agreed to testing prior to getting together). Covid Positive.
Well, damn. After we all saw him Tuesday evening and my son spent the morning in a deer stand with him. So now my son has been exposed, the question becomes does he stay there or come home and possibly expose us all, if we weren’t already?
Here’s what I have learned:
No one really knows about this virus - even doctors disagree
Positive test results only after fever started for the two adults
10 days - is the quarantine wait after symptoms begin and/or exposure
Symptoms vary from person to person - cough, fever, congestion, chills, aches, headache, etc.
3 days - how long you need to be fever free to be deemed not contagious
Our Thanksgiving break from school didn’t go as planned. My daughter stayed with me and neither of us ever got sick. We isolated to minimize the risk to other people and thankfully, we stayed healthy. My son quarantined at Dad’s house and did show very minor symptoms, but never ran a full blown fever. The adults were hit much harder and now we are awaiting retesting results.
I will venture to guess that our experience isn’t all that rare. Did you see my “I’m so sad” post awhile back? It was beyond difficult for me to be away from my son when he had the potential of being very sick. The fear of the unknown was in full swing for me. I am so grateful that he wasn’t. I have never spent more than a week away from my littles since my divorce, so 14 days seemed like an eternity.
I missed my son like crazy. My daughter was so sad to not see her brother and her dad for so long - especially when we live so close. My son was devastated to miss his hockey tournament and even missed being here with us when given the chance to play video games nonstop for days on end. Their dad missed his baby girl and her sweet hugs.
We managed to do a few things that helped ease the angst and separation a bit:
We did a driveway visit several times where my son would sit at his bedroom window and we’d talk to him on the phone. As his voice came through the car speakers (thank you bluetooth), it was almost like a drive-in movie. Who am I kidding? It was not at all the same thing.
We dropped off treats every couple days to the Covid House. Meds with Pedialyte and Gatorade one day, Lemon pie or his XBOX another day. Kindness always wins and, for me, it was easier to wait when I can do something to help and didn’t feel quite so helpless.
FaceTime is a godsend when you can’t be in person. It’s not quite the same, but it does help to be able to see each other’s faces. We spent most of Thanksgiving video chatting with everyone we couldn’t be with. It did help a tiny bit.
I learned to vary my questions and use them sparingly. It gets old to answer “How are you feeling?” every single day for two weeks. Offers to help are better received than asking over and over again for an update that takes days for the status to change. Patience is not my virtue, but it was much needed while we waited.
All in all, I’m very grateful it wasn’t worse and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am eager to get back to our “normal” life where we share kids who bounce back and forth between two houses - together. Who knew I’d ever say THAT?