The best gift you can give your kids: Happier You
It’s that time of year when we are all searching for the perfect gift.
There are so many tidbits of wisdom I’ve gathered along the years, but if there is one thing I would love all moms to know it’s this. Your happiness matters. It’s not just important for your personal benefit, but it’s so crucial to the wellbeing of your children.
We hear it packaged all sorts of ways: make time for self care, take time for yourself, be sure to exercise and spend time doing what you love. Happy wife, happy life. Ain’t nobody happy if Mama ain’t happy. But why don’t we actually believe it?
I’ve talked about meditation and letting go in my eBook because it’s so instrumental in creating the happiest version of yourselves. When we take the time to put our happiness at the forefront of our day, it allows us to be the best mother to our children that we can be. We show up in the best ways.
Meditation allows us to quiet our mind and hit pause on the to do list. Meditation allows you to feel that overwhelming sense of wellbeing that is yours. Letting go of all the bullshit stories we’ve heard and believe about what it means to be a great mom takes some pressure off. Letting go of all the stupid obligations we put on ourselves that don’t actually matter free us up to have more time. Letting go of the pressure to do more, be perfect or somehow attain this miraculous balance of doing All The Things allows us room to be ourselves and have some fun along the way.
If I could pass along one piece of wisdom it is this. When you take time to make yourself a priority, you are actually doing this FOR your children.
Think about the times you were happiest. You laughed more with your kids. Their jokes are funnier and you recognize the silly things they do as cute and not annoying. You might dance your way through the Trail of Lights until they ask you to stop. Embarrassed preteens make me laugh. When you’re stressed and in a hurry, you can’t be bothered with the umpteenth story about Fortnite or My Little Pony.
Somehow, we all get it. That we need to take time to fill ourselves each day before we can tend to others, but why don’t we actually do it?
You know who i think does it really well? Jen Hatmaker. She is amazing and if you don’t already follow her, you should. She keeps it real and is honest about how hard motherhood can be, but she will often give you permission to suck at some things and let go of the ways you aren’t perfect in your own mind. She’s encouraging and hope-filled and she’s pretty stinkin funny, too! Give her a follow and thank me later.
Well, I can tell you from my own experience that when I have made time for myself, to feel good, happy and excited about my day, that it makes me more patient in the mornings. I look at my phone less and actually listen to their stories when we are together. I greet them with smiles and hugs instead of the hurried mom they used to get rushing to the next thing. Putting myself first and insisting that my own happiness matters has actually made me a better mom.
Don’t you think you owe it to your kids to do the same?
The Magic of Letting Go
When I think back to what I wrote in this eBook, The Five Steps to a Happier You, Let it Go was my advice. In all honesty, the five steps came to me in meditation. Funny since that’s what my last blog post was centered around. My pillar of happiness and well-being is so heavily grounded in this concept of letting go and also in my daily meditation. In times of my biggest personal growth, it’s always, always comes after letting go of something big. It’s usually been a heavy resentment that I needed to handle with forgiveness or a habit that was holding me back from the life I truly want. Lately, though, I’ve realized that this letting go is also deeply connected to something I’ve held onto as if it is a part of who I am: my insane need to control everything and everyone around me.
I have had an illogical need to control my world for so long now that I cannot tell you where it began. Well, after years of therapy, of course, I can tell you where it came from, but the reality is, I have spent a lifetime thinking this is just who I am. I am the type of mom who had a schedule for the birthday party just “to be sure we fit it all in.” I am the ex-wife who instructs dad on what detergent to use and what the kids should eat for snacks. I am the one yelling at cars in front of me at school drop-off so that my kid says from the back seat, “You know that they can’t hear you, right?”
The figurative weight that has been lifted when I started to learn how to “stay in my lane” has been immense. Ironically, it did actually start with traffic. When I could let go of wanting to control how fast other people drive or what lane they decide to park in (read: don’t drive slower than everyone else in the left lane, please, for the love!), I was really giving myself the gift of enjoying my drive. I love the thrill of driving fast and I love nothing more than an empty road in front of me to get where I want to go. I started playing a game with myself anytime someone slowed me down. I started convincing myself that they had something going on in their own world that was causing them to be distracted and kept them from noticing that I wanted to pass them. Their kid is sick, they are having a fight with their spouse or their dog is dying. You know - worst-case scenarios - because this was really the only way I could justify their not paying attention to the fact that I want to go faster than they were. Letting go of road rage tendencies actually made me a happier person.
Having been married and subsequently divorced, I have the opportunity to share my children with their father. My kids live their lives shuffling between two homes. This absurd need to control all things is definitely tested when my children spend a good deal of time away from me. Learning to let go of my ability to control what happens when they are at Daddy’s house has been a HUGE benefit to my own well-being, but also a gift to my children. As soon as I realized I couldn’t control bedtime, what they eat, or even who they spend time with, I was able to enjoy my time when they are away so much more. I just don’t spend time thinking about those things and I focus on who I am with and what I am doing instead. I trust that they are safe, loved, and cared for, and let the rest go. My kids then get to enjoy their time with their dad without worrying if mom is going to be mad. It gives them the freedom to talk about their weekends without concern about how I will react. It also doesn’t allow them to play their parents against each other, which is too common in those shared custody situations.
Children certainly need guidance and I am responsible for them in every way. I also might be the type to struggle with the snail’s pace that children move. Mornings, especially, have been a challenge for me. We have spent way too many that ended with me frustrated and yelling at my kids before I send them off to school with a forced smile saying “Have a great day!” What a crappy way to start the day. Now, I do lots of pauses and deep breaths to keep my cool, but also I’ve just chilled out. I allow extra time and I do more of the preparations than I should. I finally decided that getting them to school with a good state of mind was more important than whether or not they put on their own shoes. They do their part the night before (backpack prep, water bottles, pick out their clothes, etc) and I help them more in the morning. While my goal was to send them off with the best state of mind, by letting go of this insane need to control how fast they move or what they are doing on their own, I was again giving peace of mind to myself. I actually feel better as I move through my morning and drop them off at school.
Learning what I can control and letting go of what I can’t has been the best thing I could do for my own mental health. It only makes me happier. It keeps me focused on things I actually have an influence on and allows me to shift my energy to more enjoyable and more productive things. It really is quite magic.