Do you know why depressed people sleep so much?

It’s the closest thing to dying. The quicksand that is depression feels empty and like toxic sludge. It pulls you under and feels like you’re sinking down into the depths of dark despair. It feels like sinking or circling a drain. You feel helpless and it all feels hopeless. The only desire is a longing to just give up. To be done. To just make the misery stop.

So, we sleep.

And there is a spiritual reason, as well. Our bodies know it’s the best way to stop the momentum. The negative thoughts spiral. The toxic energy that’s taken over - sleep is the best way to stop it. It’s a perfect reset button. To just hit pause on all that negativity that is spiraling out of control.

The thing about this particular mood disorder is there are many flavors. There are several causes and there isn’t a one size fits all solution. It’s not really a problem to fix, per se. It’s more of an exercise of persistence. Many believe the opposite of depression is happiness, but it’s not. The opposite is purpose. To find meaning in the meaningless abyss. To find purpose in the matrix of this make-belief reality. For all the ways we human beings are complex and unique, our mood disorders are too.

So for one person, it may be more of a depressive state that you wrestle with from time to time, or perhaps it’s all-consuming seasonally. Depression for some is an everyday battle that never fully releases its hold. For someone else, it may be crippling anxiety that doesn’t allow you to sleep well. Yet, for others, we may be feeling so disconnected from our feelings that escapism seems to be the only viable solution. This desire to escape looks different for each person too. It could be an addiction that allows you to numb the feelings. It could be escaping into a fictional reality like TV or video games. Everyone’s “vice” is different. All subjective to our human conditioning and natural inclinations.

When it comes to depression, though, this one gets a lot of attention.  It’s the only mood disorder that literally screams out for help and gets people’s attention because of suicide.  Even in all the ways, we are becoming more conscious of this “mental health struggle”, it doesn’t really get to the heart of the matter.  We are only paying closer attention because people are fucking killing themselves.  

The reason you hear seemingly silly suggestions for people who are struggling with depression is that it’s a slow climb out.  This isn’t the moment for giant leaps of faith.  It’s not something you can just snap out of or talk your way to a better feeling place with affirmations. Quite honestly, most of that takes too much effort.  Newsflash: not one depressed person wants to feel that way. At a time when energy is at an all-time low, when the essence of who you are feels completed depleted, the only small steps that are possible are things like taking a walk, sitting outside, drinking water, or taking a shower.  Small, tiny baby steps that don’t require a massive amount of energy and that will make incremental steps forward.  It’s only about finding moments of reprieve and minuscule soothing. You know I’ve often said: baby steps are better than small steps. It’s true.

If you know someone who is struggling with depression, do me a favor and don’t ask them how you can help.  They don’t know what they need.  Show up.  Sit with them.  If you can’t be there in person, text them or call.  When they don’t answer, keep trying.  Don’t try to find the “right thing to say” because there isn’t one.  You can tell them how much you care. You can remind them of people who love them.  You can offer to help.  In all reality, what they need is to vocalize their thoughts.  They need to connect with other human beings.  They need to physically move the energy that is stuck.  They need to remember what it feels like when they take care of their body, feed their mind, and connect with their spirit.  You might find this guide helpful.  It’s a list of the best questions to ask your loved one.

Depression isn’t a happiness problem.  It’s a connection issue.  Feeling disconnected from people, God or meaning.  Walking someone toward their own purpose is what’s needed.  Finding a reason to connect with people is important.  Allowing them to both tap into their own inner wisdom or guidance while balancing being present and connected in this human experience.  It’s a dance and the balance looks different for everyone.  The secret is for each person to find their own and honor it. And that, my friends, is the very first step to “battling depression.”

If you want my 10 step guide to crawling out of depression, download your copy here.

3 ways to truly skyrocket your life after the big D

Do you know what I love about divorce?

Absolutely nothing.  It’s horrendous even with all its opportunity for growth.  But what comes after divorce, that phase of life where you get to start again, the do-over, and second-chance - that’s my jam.  With that theme in mind, what follows are the three ways to take your life after divorce and make it better than ever.  

Know who you are & give yourself permission to change

After divorce, there is a period of coming back to yourself, remembering who you are and also discovering who you want to be in the future.  This path of self discovery can be an enjoyable adventure as you give yourself permission to try new things and have some fun, but it can also be quite daunting as you work through some honest recognition that perhaps you’re not quite the person you want to be.  It is, however, a critical step on your path to true fulfillment and happiness. 

Why should we continue to do things a certain way just because that’s the way we’ve always done it? Divorce gives us an opportunity to ask: Who do I get to be now?

You have a chance to decide where to go from here.  You can change your mind and switch directions if you want.  You can choose a different career.  You can pick up an old hobby.  You can change your hair or buy new clothes.  You can redecorate your home or define a new style.  You can move.  You get to decide how the story goes from here and who this new you is going to be.  

Put your best foot forward & give the world the best you possible

We hear it packaged all sorts of ways: make time for self-care, take time for yourself, be sure to exercise and spend time doing what you love.  Happy wife, happy life.  Ain’t nobody happy if Mama ain’t happy.  But why don’t we actually believe it?

When you take time to make yourself a priority, you are actually giving the world the best you have to offer.  Putting yourself first and making your own happiness a priority actually makes you a better mom, employee, friend and family member. Self care does not equal selfishness.

All the ways you can be kind to yourself and learn that your needs matter will make you a better person.  A happier you who is well-rested, not carrying around unwanted weight, exercising and treating yourself occasionally just because it makes you feel good - these are all ways that you are creating the best version of yourself that you can be.   You matter.  Your happiness matters.  Your love of something just because it makes you happy - that stuff matters.  

If we can’t properly love ourselves, how on earth are we supposed to know how to love others?  Embracing the value of self-care is one small step toward fully preparing yourself to be the best partner you can be in your next relationship.  Self care is a beautiful way to teach us how we want to be loved.  It can be a valuable learning experience around what is important is how you feel the most fulfilled.  

Expect more & dream big

You have the ability to design your future.  This is your opportunity to really consider what you want and start to believe that it is possible.  You don’t have to know how to get there.  Playing it safe and playing small only keeps us from living the life of our dreams.  Your dream can be bigger than a new job or a new man or even things you can buy.  Reach Further.  

Beautiful girl, you can do amazing things.

You are new seeking to merely survive this life.  It’s not enough to just look back at the end of your life and think: Wow, I really survived a lot.  Instead of merely working to pay the bills, what if you aimed for the stars?  If the worst thing that happens is you end up on the moon, at least you didn’t settle for staying put on Earth.  What is the legacy you are leaving behind for your children?  What example do you set for them on how to live your best life?

Continue to grow and evolve.  Make a plan.  Keep track.  Do more of what’s working.  Do less of what’s not working.  Revise your plan.  Insist on not sitting still and instead become the best version of yourself that you can be, scars and all.  You were meant for a great life and you can do anything you set your mind to. 

So You’re Divorced, So What?  Where will you go next?

If you need help rewriting your story, download my free Start Again Guide as step one.

Self Care at a time like this?

Self care is not a luxury only afforded to the most privileged.  It’s a necessity for every human being on the planet.  Self care doesn’t require any particular resources other than listening to you own heart.  Why does one version of self care seem indulgent and another seems impossible, but we tend to ignore what we really need?

We all seek to be understood - to be truly seen and heard.  We all want to feel supported, respected and loved.  What most don’t realize is we can provide that feeling for ourselves. We can create the emotions we want, we can create the feelings we desire.  A simple way to do that is through self care.  Often, it is the way we learn to love ourselves.  With that knowledge, we are better prepared to love others and give to those around us.

If we look to our love languages, it will open the door to the type of self care that will most impactful.  In what ways do you feel most loved?  If you have no idea, take this quiz here to discover what your your love language is.  Is it Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, or Physical Touch?  Is it Acts of Service or Gifts?  It’s likely not just one, but a combination unique to you.  It’s so enlightening to become self aware to this level.  You’ll be able to see how it’s impacted your relationships and how you engage with the world around you. It can be just the insight you need to know what type of self care will provide what you need the most - especially in times of strife.

Ask yourself: What feeds my soul?  How do I strengthen my mind?  How do I fuel my body?  When you dive into these questions and uncover the answers you’ll find the path to the perfect self care for you.  For one person, it may be getting lost in a book and taking time to read quietly.  For another person, it might be exercise and feeling physical.  For someone else, it might be spending time with loved ones.  For the next person, it might some retail therapy. That can be spending time shopping for others or yourself.  There’s no wrong or right way to “do” self care.  The feeling it generates is what matters. Your state of mind and how prepared you feel to face your life is the key.

In times of uncertainty and unrest or when fears and anxiety are at an all-time high, that’s when self care matters SO MUCH.  Taking care of yourself feeds your spirit.  It fuels your strength.  It lets you lead from a place of love and compassion.  A well rested mind is clear and sharp.  An educated mind is more powerful.  A cared for body will take you further.  

To the weak and tired, your inner being is calling you to rest.  Let those who feel stronger lead for a bit.  To those feeling helpless, feed your mind and strengthen your resolve with information and knowledge.  To those who are scared and feel fear taking over, retreat and build your sense of security through self care that feels safe.  To those who are feeling strong but angry, tend to you heart.  Lead from a place of duty, responsibility and power, but do so with love and compassion.  

We all have the power to change the world, but each in a variety of ways.  Our skills and strengths are different. We are unique and beautiful individuals.  We are all so different.  Why should our self care be the same? The way we care for ourselves doesn’t matter as much as being sure that we do.  It allows us to show up as our best selves in a world that so desperately needs us to do just that.