26 years ago today ...
26 years ago today, I gave birth to the tiniest baby girl and on that day, my life truly began. I didn’t know where we were going to live, if her father and I would get married or if I’d ever go to college, but I did know that now I had the motivation to do everything I had ever wanted to do. Now, I had another life depending on me to show up and make some magic happen. And that was one of the scariest moments of my life. When I looked down at this 4lb 13oz preemie sized baby girl, I was scared shitless. It was a “holy crap, I actually made a person” moment that I wish I could tell you was all rose colored sunbeams shining down all around us.
If you know me, you know that my motherhood journey started with a teen pregnancy. This may have made me a statistic on paper, but I never let it define me or determine what I was capable of. I almost took it as a personal challenge to prove everyone wrong. In all honesty, this is still me. Tell me I can’t and I’ll try harder. But at 17, I was months away from graduation, had chosen my college and dorm mate and there I stood drinking milk at prom. Everyone else was throwing back beer and shots, but there I was nursing my morning sickness that lasted ALL DAY LONG. Those last few months of my senior year are a blur. I showed up to school in sweats, without any makeup and my hair pulled back in the 90’s when appearance mattered and big hair was all the rage. I couldn’t eat. I struggled to drive myself to school and I was late most days.
I had no idea what I was doing. I had no examples of how to make this work out in my favor. I was also keeping my pregnancy a secret, so I hadn’t told my parents. I had nothing but the feeling in my gut to guide me. All I did know was this baby girl that I was now holding in my arms after so many hours of labor and after all those months of hardly eating, she had to have a purpose and she had to be here for a reason. I stepped up and took the responsibility for this tiny little life the best I knew how. I remember staring at her as we drove in the car together. I was overprotective and so awkward. It took me awhile to get comfortable talking to her. I distinctly remember saying to her, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say to you. Let’s listen to some music.” So, I would turn on the radio and sing to her. I always wondered where her singing talent came from because goodness knows I can’t hold a tune, but perhaps where my awkwardness left a gap, that music filled in the rest. I read books by La Leche League to learn how to breastfeed. I took every piece of advice from our parents with a grain of salt. They had experience, but I also trusted my gut and relied on the medical advice from our pediatrician to sometimes make different decisions.
Through the years, I also learned to take her lead. When she wanted to know why the sky was blue, I looked it up. When she refused to wear anything with lace, I made sure we only used the softer clothing that was handed down. Only now looking back can I tell you she likely had a sensory processing issue, but we didn’t know those sorts of things in the mid 90’s. Or I didn’t. I just continued to follow her lead. When she refused to wear pink, dresses, or bows, I quietly mourned the loss of having a little girl who loved pink as much as I do and put her in shorts and pants instead. She needed to learn to read BEFORE starting in private kindergarten? I figured out how to teach her to read. I had sex talks way too early. Overcompensating much? Perhaps.
When I tell you I can help you charter unknown territory, I come from a place of experience. I raised children as I was still growing up myself. Did I get it all right? Of course not! My girls and I absolutely grew up together, but I did not ever use being a young mom as an excuse to cop out. I may have been the youngest mom in the room at every classroom party, but I was there. I showed up when it was uncomfortable, I asked questions, and I figured that shit out. My poor first baby girl was my guinea pig. I tell her all the time that I didn’t know what I was doing. I still don’t as we charter young adulthood together. We’ve survived the college years and now we’re moving into wedding season.
I’m here to tell you that you can figure out your unknown too. Whatever it is for you, you don’t have to do it alone. My favorite approach to the unknown is “we need more information.” Don’t know how to do something? Look it up. Don’t know where to go? Ask someone for help. If I am lost or overwhelmed, I always try to seek more information before pressuring myself to know the answer. It takes a load off and buys me some time.
In all the ways I figured it out along the way, I’m also here to tell you that I’ve always, always taken my frustrations out on my hair. If I’m lost or confused or need help, I may seek more information, but my hair will always alert you. If you need proof, here you go … me with my newborn and a freshly permed bob.
