What My 3 Divorces Taught Me …
You cannot imagine the shame and embarrassment I’ve carried with me since my last divorce. Having to admit, out loud, to perfect strangers that I have three “failed marriages” under my belt was beyond difficult. I typically tried to camouflage my embarrassment with self deprecating humor. If you know me, you’ve heard me poking fun at myself … before anyone else has the chance to. Somewhere along the way, though, I’ve learned to have some grace with myself. One of my amazing therapists was constantly reminding me to do this and yet, it took me years to begin truly embracing what those words actually mean. What I can tell you now is that each divorce has taught me more about myself than anyone else. I’ve learned what causes relationships to break down and how to prevent those cracks from growing over time. I’ve also discovered that public failures are the very best life lessons.
Look in the mirror.
You know how those things that really bother you most in other people are usually those things about yourself that you don’t yet recognize? Yeah, me neither at first. Over the years, I began to realize that in all the ways I was frustrated by my husband (pick one!) was really just a mirror into my own insecurities and things about myself that I didn’t like very much. I have been told I have a potent personality and what I have come to realize is that means I don’t lean toward sugar coating. I am a strong, independent woman and have a difficult time letting someone else lead me. I have had to learn the art of genuine praise which does not come naturally to me and struggled to find some positive things to say on really tough days. As a result, I haven’t always been a very pleasant person to live with. I have such high expectations for myself that these three very different men had to try to live up to really unrealistic ideas. If I could go back now and talk to the younger me, I would have some wisdom to share with her! That’s not to say any one of these relationships would have worked out, but I maybe could have saved myself some of the self inflicted misery along the way. Being able to take ownership for all the ways I contributed toward those marriages ending has been extremely freeing.
Why did you get divorced?
I can recognize the conversation from a mile away. The one that starts with “Can we talk?” I know the look in her eye, I recognize the fear and sense of loss she is carrying with her as she reaches out to me, one of the few people she knows who has been divorced. Equally interesting to me is how many times I’ve heard someone say “What happened?” when they hear of another marriage ending. The truth is most marriages don’t end for one clear cut reason. Typically, there has been a steady deterioration of the relationship over time. Divorces happen because of a bunch of tiny little reasons that eventually become too much to endure. People stop giving as much, people stop communicating, people stop showing how much they care and begin taking their partner for granted. The little shit matters! The tiny expressions of love that are easiest to stop, that is the beginning of the end. I can talk to you about love languages and dating your spouse, but in all honesty, it’s not a one size fits all approach. Knowing what I know now, though, I can tell you what to do to avoid some of the pitfalls. Also, some marriages are not meant to be saved and were not intended for the long haul. Abusive and unhealthy relationships are never okay.
Divorce is SO Public.
The thing about being a divorced woman is the decision to change your name is the most public way to announce your change in marital status. Whether you want to have the conversation or not, if you’ve changed your name, you are forced to say why. You will have this conversation with friends and family you haven’t seen in years, to everyone you share your resume with, to every single person you interact with professionally via email, and every single utility provider. My favorite example of what can be a super awkward conversation was after my 2nd divorce. I was presenting to customers in person and introduced myself, using my maiden name instead of the last name they had known me by for the past few years. One of the men in the room, a high level executive from one of our most important customers, interrupted with, “oh, congratulations, did you get married?” I paused, mortified, and said, “No, the opposite actually.” He didn’t skip a beat and said, “Well, congratulations anyways.” Everyone in the room chucked and I felt a sense of relief. In that moment, I realized that my divorce, while way more public than I would have liked was in my control in how I chose to present it. I could be the victim, embarrassed about my perceived failure or I could own it as part of my story. I could choose to let it just be what it is - same person, different name.
You’re the author of your story.
Do I love that three divorces is part of my story? No, but I have stopped referring to them as failures. I have relationships that were promised to last a lifetime come to an end. I have learned lessons along the way that I just could not have learned by watching someone else stumble. I have experience now that makes me a damn good coach. I can guide my clients back toward a fulfilling relationship or out of an unhealthy one. I have acquired valuable experience that I simply could not learn just from reading a book. Also, I have had three men stand before our family and friends and promise to love me forever. How lucky am I?
If you need help rewriting your story, download my free Start Again Guide as step one.