Kids understand Death better than Divorce
I’ve heard it said that kids understand death better than they understand divorce. Those words have really helped me when it came to guiding my own children through both types of loss. In those moments when they have each struggled with the impact of either, it really helped me to know where they needed more explanation or more understanding from me. Let me tell you, I’ve had my share of wading through death and divorces with my four children in my 26 years of parenting.
My son woke up this morning in the aftermath of two bad dreams. As we do most mornings, I listen as they share with me the good, bad or indifferent that was filling their minds the night before in their dreamworld. So this morning, he’s sharing with me one of his two dreams. He had taken his snake to school because they were learning about the way animals eat. He put Scarlett (his beloved pet) back in her terrarium and she was sitting on his desk, safe and sound. He left the classroom to go to the bathroom and when he returned, she was gone. Someone had stolen his snake and no one knew where she was. He ran out of the classroom chasing after the person he took her with his machete in hand, breaking down doors. It wasn’t until he got out of the school that he saw them driving away.
Y’all, when I tell you that this kid loves his snake, I just don’t do his infatuation justice. It was BY FAR the best pet I could have ever gotten for him. He takes care of her and truly cares for this reptile like nothing before. He feeds her, cleans her cage and spends time with her giggling and talking as if she’s a person. She belongs to just him and he adores her. Just last night, he was asking about where he could go to college so that he can take her with him. Now, I know all about the dreams of children and how they fade in the years between preteen and college years, but for now, it’s so sweet. So, we daydream about how great it will be when he packs up this snake to take her with him into his future dorm. I do realize that she will be with me for most, if not all of those years of learning and I accepted that the day I agreed to let him have a snake, but I digress.
I’ve shared before that I interpret my dreams and my kids have begun asking me to do the same for theirs. When I look up this particular dream in DreamMoods, I don’t look up snake because I know to my son, she’s not something to be feared. Seeing a snake in dreams for most people is a source of fear or alarm, but a stolen snake in this dream was about the act of his pet being taken from him, so I look up Stealing and this is what I see:
When I read those words to my son, he says, “Oh, that makes sense.” It didn’t yet to me, so I say, “Really? How’s that?”, to which he replies, “Because today is Brock’s birthday.” Today, Brock Fleming would have been 11 years old.
For those of you who may not know about Brock, he was my son’s best friend from Kindergarten to 2nd grade. They actually met in preschool when my son was the new kid and when they were in the same kindergarten class, the familiar face made a new school so much easier for them both. They may or may not still be best friends today, but we will never know because Brock died when he was 7 years old from DIPG, a “rare” from of brain cancer that no one survives. My son knows death so deeply and that loss is so personal to him. When my well-meaning friends told me 3.5 years ago that he didn’t really understand what happened, I corrected them then and I’ll tell you now. Oh, he understands death. He knows exactly what that meant to learn that his friend had died. “They didn’t find a cure?” Those were his words that day and now, almost four years later, he still feels that loss so acutely and so deeply that it surfaces in his dreams.
Now, understanding why his parents get along now and why were are divorced? That makes no sense to him. THAT he doesn’t understand. He dreams up ideas about us all living together again because our successful coparenting after our divorce is a struggle to comprehend. Death, though, my kid gets that and it sucks. He misses his friend every day and the big days are always a bit harder. So, today, we will honor his friend by doing small acts of kindness and passing out cards to do our part to build awareness about DIPG. I would encourage you to do the same. You can print off your own card here.
DIPG Facts:
DIPG is a type of pediatric brain cancer found in the brain stem.
0% Survival Rate - there is currently no cure for DIPG.
Average age of diagnosis is 6 to 8 years old.
Average lifespan after diagnosis is 6 to 8 months.
Less than 1% of all federal cancer funding targets pediatric brain cancer.
If you would like to help us honor Brock, please consider donating to the The Cure Starts Now. Happy Heavenly Birthday, Brock. We love you!