Divulging My Biggest Mom Guilt

Just in case you think I have painted a pretty little picture of the perfect mom who is always zen … Let me be clear … perfect, I am not.

The one thing I still don’t get right way too often is that I yell at my kids. Like raise my voice with curse words when I’m frustrated, angry or upset. It could be their inability to follow directions the first, third or eighth time I’ve told them to do something … because children. It could be the fact that they move at the pace of molasses falling leisurely out of a bottle. It could be that I’ve procrastinated again and didn’t start dinner early enough. It could be that I’m wrestling with my own emotions about something that has nothing to do with them.

When I am stressed … l tend to raise my voice. I still wonder … can my neighbors can hear me?

Now, I have applied all that I teach and this does happen way less often than it used to, but that’s, in a large part, due to the fact that our lives look so different now. We have been home for six months and the closest we have come to running late is when we are in the next room and two minutes late for a zoom call. Pre-covid, I had cultivated a life where my kids took on more responsibility, we prepared more the night before and our mornings generally ran smoother. That all meant - less yelling.

However, last night, we fell into old patterns. Here’s the thing. We are all a work in progress and while I logically know what to do, I am human. Our muscle memory with emotions is strong! My triggers can be adjusted, but that shit takes time. And it takes practice.

Which brings me back to last night - MOM FAIL.

It was our first night of soccer practice. I was trying to pick up the house, finish some work and cook dinner at the same time. My beautiful sweet children - not so helpful. I was stressed, felt anxiety boiling up at the idea of being late to the very first soccer practice and I fell right back into old habits. Guess what? It felt terrible.

After rushing through dinner, hustling children into the car, mom yelling the whole time, I’m driving down the road and I can feel my heart beating faster, my hands gripping the steering wheel. I was STRESSED the F out.

Now, if you’ve been following my for awhile now, you’ve heard me say we can choose the way we want to feel. While that is true and it is really that simple, it is not easy. In the heat of the moment of those negative feeling emotions, it is not easy to shift the energy.

Here’s what I do know, though. I know what works ... for me. I only know this by trial and error and lots of practice! So, I turned on my Zen music from my meditation app. I turned up the volume and just drove. My kids were confused. I slowed my breathing. I reconnected with the sense of calm that I know from meditating or sitting in nature. The only reason I could do this was because I’ve practiced how I want to feel. Often and repeatedly.

After just a few minutes, I felt calmer. I turned off the music, tilted my rearview mirror down so I could see those sweet faces in the backseat and I said to them, “Your mama needs to chill out!”

Y’all. The look on my daughter’s face said it all. Her eyes got big, she lifted her eyebrows and looked out the window as if to say: Yeah, no kidding!

Then, I had the opportunity to use my failure as a teaching moment. I talked through why I was stressed out and admitted that I handled it poorly. Finally, I apologized.

Our kids don’t need perfect parents - thank God! They need us to lead by example and show them how to handle adversity. They need to feel safe and loved and secure. I can assure you that a yelling mom does not do that. But one that apologizes and explains that my anger is not their fault can help. Teaching them how to handle other people’s anger in a way that they don’t internalize that shit - what a life lesson.

So, I am still a work in progress, but I am getting closer each day to the kind of mom I want to be. How about you?

The best gift you can give your kids: Happier You

It’s that time of year when we are all searching for the perfect gift.

There are so many tidbits of wisdom I’ve gathered along the years, but if there is one thing I would love all moms to know it’s this. Your happiness matters.  It’s not just important for your personal benefit, but it’s so crucial to the wellbeing of your children.

We hear it packaged all sorts of ways: make time for self care, take time for yourself, be sure to exercise and spend time doing what you love.  Happy wife, happy life.  Ain’t nobody happy if Mama ain’t happy. But why don’t we actually believe it?

I’ve talked about meditation and letting go in my eBook because it’s so instrumental in creating the happiest version of yourselves.  When we take the time to put our happiness at the forefront of our day, it allows us to be the best mother to our children that we can be.  We show up in the best ways.

Meditation allows us to quiet our mind and hit pause on the to do list.  Meditation allows you to feel that overwhelming sense of wellbeing that is yours.  Letting go of all the bullshit stories we’ve heard and believe about what it means to be a great mom takes some pressure off.  Letting go of all the stupid obligations we put on ourselves that don’t actually matter free us up to have more time.  Letting go of the pressure to do more, be perfect or somehow attain this miraculous balance of doing All The Things allows us room to be ourselves and have some fun along the way.

If I could pass along one piece of wisdom it is this.  When you take time to make yourself a priority, you are actually doing this FOR your children.  

Think about the times you were happiest. You laughed more with your kids. Their jokes are funnier and you recognize the silly things they do as cute and not annoying.  You might dance your way through the Trail of Lights until they ask you to stop. Embarrassed preteens make me laugh. When you’re stressed and in a hurry, you can’t be bothered with the umpteenth story about Fortnite or My Little Pony.  

Somehow, we all get it.  That we need to take time to fill ourselves each day before we can tend to others, but why don’t we actually do it?

You know who i think does it really well? Jen Hatmaker. She is amazing and if you don’t already follow her, you should. She keeps it real and is honest about how hard motherhood can be, but she will often give you permission to suck at some things and let go of the ways you aren’t perfect in your own mind. She’s encouraging and hope-filled and she’s pretty stinkin funny, too! Give her a follow and thank me later.

Well, I can tell you from my own experience that when I have made time for myself, to feel good, happy and excited about my day, that it makes me more patient in the mornings. I look at my phone less and actually listen to their stories when we are together. I greet them with smiles and hugs instead of the hurried mom they used to get rushing to the next thing.  Putting myself first and insisting that my own happiness matters has actually made me a better mom. 

Don’t you think you owe it to your kids to do the same?