Do you know why depressed people sleep so much?

It’s the closest thing to dying. The quicksand that is depression feels empty and like toxic sludge. It pulls you under and feels like you’re sinking down into the depths of dark despair. It feels like sinking or circling a drain. You feel helpless and it all feels hopeless. The only desire is a longing to just give up. To be done. To just make the misery stop.

So, we sleep.

And there is a spiritual reason, as well. Our bodies know it’s the best way to stop the momentum. The negative thoughts spiral. The toxic energy that’s taken over - sleep is the best way to stop it. It’s a perfect reset button. To just hit pause on all that negativity that is spiraling out of control.

The thing about this particular mood disorder is there are many flavors. There are several causes and there isn’t a one size fits all solution. It’s not really a problem to fix, per se. It’s more of an exercise of persistence. Many believe the opposite of depression is happiness, but it’s not. The opposite is purpose. To find meaning in the meaningless abyss. To find purpose in the matrix of this make-belief reality. For all the ways we human beings are complex and unique, our mood disorders are too.

So for one person, it may be more of a depressive state that you wrestle with from time to time, or perhaps it’s all-consuming seasonally. Depression for some is an everyday battle that never fully releases its hold. For someone else, it may be crippling anxiety that doesn’t allow you to sleep well. Yet, for others, we may be feeling so disconnected from our feelings that escapism seems to be the only viable solution. This desire to escape looks different for each person too. It could be an addiction that allows you to numb the feelings. It could be escaping into a fictional reality like TV or video games. Everyone’s “vice” is different. All subjective to our human conditioning and natural inclinations.

When it comes to depression, though, this one gets a lot of attention.  It’s the only mood disorder that literally screams out for help and gets people’s attention because of suicide.  Even in all the ways, we are becoming more conscious of this “mental health struggle”, it doesn’t really get to the heart of the matter.  We are only paying closer attention because people are fucking killing themselves.  

The reason you hear seemingly silly suggestions for people who are struggling with depression is that it’s a slow climb out.  This isn’t the moment for giant leaps of faith.  It’s not something you can just snap out of or talk your way to a better feeling place with affirmations. Quite honestly, most of that takes too much effort.  Newsflash: not one depressed person wants to feel that way. At a time when energy is at an all-time low, when the essence of who you are feels completed depleted, the only small steps that are possible are things like taking a walk, sitting outside, drinking water, or taking a shower.  Small, tiny baby steps that don’t require a massive amount of energy and that will make incremental steps forward.  It’s only about finding moments of reprieve and minuscule soothing. You know I’ve often said: baby steps are better than small steps. It’s true.

If you know someone who is struggling with depression, do me a favor and don’t ask them how you can help.  They don’t know what they need.  Show up.  Sit with them.  If you can’t be there in person, text them or call.  When they don’t answer, keep trying.  Don’t try to find the “right thing to say” because there isn’t one.  You can tell them how much you care. You can remind them of people who love them.  You can offer to help.  In all reality, what they need is to vocalize their thoughts.  They need to connect with other human beings.  They need to physically move the energy that is stuck.  They need to remember what it feels like when they take care of their body, feed their mind, and connect with their spirit.  You might find this guide helpful.  It’s a list of the best questions to ask your loved one.

Depression isn’t a happiness problem.  It’s a connection issue.  Feeling disconnected from people, God or meaning.  Walking someone toward their own purpose is what’s needed.  Finding a reason to connect with people is important.  Allowing them to both tap into their own inner wisdom or guidance while balancing being present and connected in this human experience.  It’s a dance and the balance looks different for everyone.  The secret is for each person to find their own and honor it. And that, my friends, is the very first step to “battling depression.”

If you want my 10 step guide to crawling out of depression, download your copy here.

My dad was the boogie man

I only say this because that’s what he told me growing up. You are scared of the boogie man? I am the boogie man.

Have you seen the movie train wreck? If not, the next sentence is a bit of a spoiler.

There is a part of the movie where Amy Schumer's character is standing up to speak at her father's funeral and she starts by saying, "My dad was an asshole."

I think this was supposed to be a shocker moment, but I chuckled and thought "Hey, mine too!".

Listen, if you've read my book, you know I had some challenges with my father growing up.

If you know me well, you know this may be a bit of an understatement.

But here's the thing. Today, he is the only person in my family who I still have a relationship with and it's a really good one.

He is my biggest fan with this book despite the fact that it painted him in a not so pleasant light.

He told me recently, “Covid slowed everyone down but you.”

So while I may use examples from my childhood to say "hey our experiences don't define us", I will also tell you the people we grow up with do. Those early relationships do define us.

This man was instrumental in making me who I am today.

The reason I don't back down from a challenge is because that's what he taught me to do - both by example and with his words and expectations. He had extremely high expectations for his children growing up, but only because those for himself were so much higher.

My work ethic comes from watching him work really hard to provide for his family. We may have struggled financially, but that was not because he was lazy or not motivated. He told me during one of my single mama days when he came over to fix my air conditioner that the reason he pushed me so hard to go to college was because he didn’t want me to know how to do things like that. He didn’t want me to work hard doing what he called menial labor for not enough money. He knew education was my ticket out of a life of struggle. So he insisted that I go to college. I credit my grandmother for being the example that it could be done, but my father’s expectations fueled that desire. He never gave me a choice and that resulted in me knowing that was just something I would do. Even if I didn’t know how.

My strength and courage to handle scary shit comes from him doing that in a way that made him appear fearless. He literally ran through tornado filled thunder storms under a blanket to come get me from a friend’s house just because I was scared as a little girl.

My tenacity and grit - also him. He never gave up on a project until it was done. When he didn’t know how to fix one of our cars, he bought another manual and taught himself how.

He taught me there was nothing I couldn't do just because I'm a girl. I learned how to play and love baseball. I learned how to shoot guns. I ran faster than the boys in my neighborhood.

He taught me how to be self sufficient and stand on my own two feet. As a result, I do most of my home projects myself. When in doubt, I know I can simply Call Dad and he’ll help me out of whatever bind I’m in. So I may be a single mom, but I can change my tire, fix my garbage disposal, install a new car door handle, change out faucets and install light fixtures. Chances are I’m a better painter than you or anyone you know.

While he likes to give me a hard time for driving too fast, that's also on him. He claims it’s genetics because his uncle was a race car driver, but I knew from an early age what it felt like to ride in a car that went fast and all I know now is I still like it.

So while I may point out the not so great memories because it helps me paint the picture on where I came from, let me also be the example that relationships can be mended. Most of the healing is internal work for you with a healthy dose of accepting people for who are and giving credit where credit is due.

If you need my help, let’s chat more. I can walk you through it step by step.

Divulging My Biggest Mom Guilt

Just in case you think I have painted a pretty little picture of the perfect mom who is always zen … Let me be clear … perfect, I am not.

The one thing I still don’t get right way too often is that I yell at my kids. Like raise my voice with curse words when I’m frustrated, angry or upset. It could be their inability to follow directions the first, third or eighth time I’ve told them to do something … because children. It could be the fact that they move at the pace of molasses falling leisurely out of a bottle. It could be that I’ve procrastinated again and didn’t start dinner early enough. It could be that I’m wrestling with my own emotions about something that has nothing to do with them.

When I am stressed … l tend to raise my voice. I still wonder … can my neighbors can hear me?

Now, I have applied all that I teach and this does happen way less often than it used to, but that’s, in a large part, due to the fact that our lives look so different now. We have been home for six months and the closest we have come to running late is when we are in the next room and two minutes late for a zoom call. Pre-covid, I had cultivated a life where my kids took on more responsibility, we prepared more the night before and our mornings generally ran smoother. That all meant - less yelling.

However, last night, we fell into old patterns. Here’s the thing. We are all a work in progress and while I logically know what to do, I am human. Our muscle memory with emotions is strong! My triggers can be adjusted, but that shit takes time. And it takes practice.

Which brings me back to last night - MOM FAIL.

It was our first night of soccer practice. I was trying to pick up the house, finish some work and cook dinner at the same time. My beautiful sweet children - not so helpful. I was stressed, felt anxiety boiling up at the idea of being late to the very first soccer practice and I fell right back into old habits. Guess what? It felt terrible.

After rushing through dinner, hustling children into the car, mom yelling the whole time, I’m driving down the road and I can feel my heart beating faster, my hands gripping the steering wheel. I was STRESSED the F out.

Now, if you’ve been following my for awhile now, you’ve heard me say we can choose the way we want to feel. While that is true and it is really that simple, it is not easy. In the heat of the moment of those negative feeling emotions, it is not easy to shift the energy.

Here’s what I do know, though. I know what works ... for me. I only know this by trial and error and lots of practice! So, I turned on my Zen music from my meditation app. I turned up the volume and just drove. My kids were confused. I slowed my breathing. I reconnected with the sense of calm that I know from meditating or sitting in nature. The only reason I could do this was because I’ve practiced how I want to feel. Often and repeatedly.

After just a few minutes, I felt calmer. I turned off the music, tilted my rearview mirror down so I could see those sweet faces in the backseat and I said to them, “Your mama needs to chill out!”

Y’all. The look on my daughter’s face said it all. Her eyes got big, she lifted her eyebrows and looked out the window as if to say: Yeah, no kidding!

Then, I had the opportunity to use my failure as a teaching moment. I talked through why I was stressed out and admitted that I handled it poorly. Finally, I apologized.

Our kids don’t need perfect parents - thank God! They need us to lead by example and show them how to handle adversity. They need to feel safe and loved and secure. I can assure you that a yelling mom does not do that. But one that apologizes and explains that my anger is not their fault can help. Teaching them how to handle other people’s anger in a way that they don’t internalize that shit - what a life lesson.

So, I am still a work in progress, but I am getting closer each day to the kind of mom I want to be. How about you?