3 Reasons We Self Sabotage & How to Stop

What's your favorite way to self-sabotage? You know what I'm talking about.⁠ That moment when things start to go well.⁠ Like so well, that you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.⁠ Then, it doesn't and things are still ... just good. 😳⁠

So ... ⁠

🤦🏻‍♀️ You pick a fight.⁠

🤦🏻‍♀️ Find a reason to be upset - for no reason at all.⁠

🤦🏻‍♀️ You yell at your kids.⁠

🤦🏻‍♀️ You get annoyed in traffic.⁠

Yup - enter our friend, self-sabotage. ⁠Only, it's not really your friend, is it?⁠ There are three reasons we do this.

One - our Comfort Zone

In The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks describes this concept so well. We have a threshold for happiness. There is a certain amount of happiness that we are accustomed to. For a lot of us, that’s not very much. Most of us are used to being in “fix it” mode and our brains are used to solving problems. This means, our minds are always searching for the next problem to solve. Looking for something to be wrong. Once we bump up against this top boundary of our comfort zone, we get uncomfortable. It’s weird and strange and we don’t like being outside of what feels “normal”, so we create a problem to solve.

Enter Self Sabotage. This is the most common reason we ruin our own happiness. We simply aren’t accustomed to feeling that happy for that long, so we do something to bump us back down to feeling just sorta kinda happy, but not really. Example. So things are going well for you and you are finally in a relationship … just like you’ve been wanting. You have been single for so long and you met this dream partner. You’re having fun getting to know him/her and it feels really good. What’s the problem? There isn’t actually a problem. You’re happy. It feels good. For too long.

Your comfort zone is only feeling a little happy. Or only for so long. When it starts to feel unfamiliar, our brains do what they do. Look for a problem. When there isn’t one, we create one. We pick a fight over which restaurant to eat at or how to unload the dishwasher. It’s not that you really care about either, but you are back in your comfort zone. You’re happy, but not too happy. it’s in those moments that you can begin to recognize what the real issue is. You can flex this happiness muscle a bit and allow yourself to feel into the uncomfortable. You can teach yourself how to make the leap to more. I like to use this mantra: The Better It Gets, The Better It Gets.

two - experience creates our expectations

So, another aspect of this concept is simply that our experience has taught us what to expect and helped us to form beliefs. History has shown us what we think will happen next - from people, environments, etc. When you go to the grocery store, you know you’ll be bombarded with the “finding everything okay?” questions at every turn. You’ve had enough people ask you enough times that now you expect it. You know that being in the grocery store means people will ask you repeatedly so you don’t even register the interruption anymore.

What do you do, though, when you realize you’ve experienced less ideal situations that you don’t want to repeat. You’re in a healthy relationship now, but you’ve always dated assholes. When you’re happy and have the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop is a good indication that your experiences have created your expectation that something will go wrong next. The challenge is that just because that’s the way it’s always been, doesn’t mean that’s the way it has to always be moving forward. You get to teach yourself how to create new expectations. The first step is always recognizing where you’ve got a belief that needs changing. Then, you get to practice.

I like to use “it is safe” affirmations in this situation. It is safe to be happy. It is safe to be in a loving relationship. it is safe to be loved. It is safe to be cared for. It’s a good way to sit in that happiness that feels uncomfortable because history has shown you as soon as you’re happy, someone is mean to you. Or that people aren’t as sweet and kind as they seem in the beginning. In whatever way your experience has taught you to expect something bad to happen or something to go wrong, you get to pick a new story.

three - are you worthy of more?

At the root of each of these previous reasons is what is always there for everyone. There is a sense of “do I deserve this?” when you’re in a happy place. When our experiences have taught us to expect not so great things for long enough, we start to believe that we don’t deserve to be that happy. it’s usually not a conscious thought thought, though, and can take some effort to uncover. These underlying beliefs that limit our potential - it’s why they are called limiting beliefs. We believe things about ourselves that is holding us back. It keeps us from being happier. It keeps us from going where we want to go.

One of the reasons we self sabotage is simply because we don’t believe we deserve to be that happy. Pretty messed up when you see it in someone else. Just as messed up when you see it in yourself. Of course, you deserve to be happy. You are worthy of every desire you have. I am worthy affirmations are a good way to change the belief, but also to recognize where the limiting beliefs are.

When you say, “I am worthy of more”, it’s vague enough to get behind it. As you get more specific, though, it can uncover where you don’t actually believe you deserve more. I am worthy of being a millionaire. I am worthy of a healthy relationship. I am worthy of gifts for no reason. I am worthy of people being kind to me. I am worthy of … Keep going until you bump up against one that feels not quite true. Well, other people are but not me. 👈 Limiting Belief to change.

Self Sabotage is a familiar comfort zone, but one that is not doing us any favors. it’s not until you decide you want more that you get to practice allowing it in. You get the opportunity to teach yourself how to want more and how to allow yourself to receive it. As always, change can feel hard, but it doesn’t have to be. It get to be easy and fun!