Life Hack for Better Sleep
The thing about sleep is you know you need it.
Science actually proves the human body requires sleep to grow and heal. Sleep allows your brain to process what you’ve learned. The National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke says:
“Sleep affects almost every type of tissue and system in the body – from the brain, heart, and lungs to metabolism, immune function, mood, and disease resistance. Research shows that a chronic lack of sleep, or getting poor quality sleep, increases the risk of disorders including high blood pressure, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, depression, and obesity.”
Any mom who has survived sleep deprivation knows how important sleep is. It’s a lifeline and a requirement to function correctly the next day. Those early days with a newborn are often remembered fondly - those first smiles, the smell of a baby’s head, or the cute footed pajamas - but in the back of your mind, hidden beneath the momnesia that convinces you “it wasn’t so bad”, you also recall the brain fog that comes from lack of sleep. It was on those sleep-deprived mornings that you poured breastmilk into your coffee instead of creamer or went to work with two different shoes.
Fast forward to the time the same child was so sick you stayed awake most of the night to make sure they were breathing. When they are so congested that the only way they could stay asleep was to sit upright leaning against your chest while you sit upright in the rocking chair. You might have managed a few winks, but any time they moved, you woke up. Then the next morning, you were running on fumes and irritable, and easily confused. Words escaped you when you reached for them. You weren’t as sharp in your meetings and no amount of caffeine was enough.
Good ole sleep deprivation. We as moms know it well.
Life with a newborn or having a sick child certainly is the more extreme reason for being sleep deprived, but not getting enough sleep or consistently getting low-quality sleep can be just as detrimental. Waking up frequently throughout the night, regular insomnia or just trying to survive on fewer hours per night than your body truly needs can take its toll.
Are you getting enough sleep?
According to the Mayo Clinic, most adults need 7 or more hours of sleep each night. While this varies from person to person, adults actually need 7 to 9 hours of sleep but many moms I know are getting far less. There are people who believe they can train themselves to require less, but that is simply a myth.
There is so much pulling you away from getting good quality sleep. Stress and anxiety are at the forefront, but the pace of information flooding your brain each day between social media and work is intense. Multi-tasking and jumping back and forth between mom responsibilities and your career alone are enough to keep your brain in overdrive. The nonstop expectations to produce and accomplish are affecting your ability to fully shut off at night. So you wake before you are ready and stay up too late binging Netflix just to get a sense of relaxation and rest. Are you truly sleeping well, though?
You know sleep is important, but you might also struggle to actually sleep when you’ve laid your head on the pillow. Whether it’s waking up too frequently, tossing and turning, or full-on insomnia robbing us of good quality sleep, you may be at a loss to know HOW to get good rest.
We can know it’s important all the live-long day but sometimes life makes it seem impossible.
I have a solution for you.
It’s a very simple gratitude practice that I promise is actually easy, too. This is a tried and true recipe for a good night’s rest. It works without fail, every time I do it. I’ve had multiple clients use this practice and report back with extremely positive results:
Less tossing and turning
Good quality and solid sleep
Waking up feeling fully rested
Reduced insomnia
Remembering more of their dreams
The entire goal is to get into the frequency of gratitude and love as you fall asleep. This is different than the Gratitude Journaling activity I’ve talked about many times. It’s not about a specific number of people you list or how many items you check off your list. It’s just about putting your body, mind, and spirit in a place of feeling gratitude as you enter your sleep state.
Gratitude Practice for Good Sleep:
Spend a few minutes thinking about all the ways you can be grateful for the day you just experienced just before you drift off to sleep.
Thank the people in your life for showing up the way they did.
Thank God for the abundance you had showered on you throughout the day.
Thank the Universe for all the pleasant exchanges you had with strangers.
Express gratitude for all the ways you felt loved.
Thank Source for each person in your life and what you admire about them.
Be thankful for the beautiful places you got to be today.
Thank God for all the things you have today that you use to pray for.
Thank yourself for the good sleep you are about to have.
Set the intention to have restful sleep and to wake up feeling energized. Be grateful - in advance - for the good night’s rest that you are about to have.
When you wake up in the morning, make note of your sleep. Do you feel more rested? Take a minute to express some gratitude (and be amazed) that this shit really does work.
I would love to hear how this works for you! Comment below or send me a DM on Instagram!
To learn more about my Gratitude Journaling method mentioned above, download your Free Journal Prompts Here.
Why you should throw all the rules out the window when you’re building a new business.
There’s a reason why you’ll see advice every which way to Sunday on how to start a business, build a social media following or the steps needed to make it successful.
No matter what it is you’re looking to do, there is never any shortage of experts available to share their “must have” strategy.
The challenging part is to discover which will work for you, right?
We have a tendency to believe there is a secret to being successful and we just need to tap into that wisdom.
If you’re like me you’ve likely spent time, money and energy trying to recreate someone else’s success by following their advice only to learn another method that contradicts that from someone else.
Here’s the thing. We are all unique.
We have different skillsets, talents and goals.
The way we learn is different.
There are so many ways to explain why this is true.
Human Design, Astrology, Numerology all attempt to explain it from a spiritual perspective.
Birth Order, our childhood experiences and the society we’re born into will describe how our environments shape who we are.
The fact of the matter is - it’s all correct and accurate if that’s what you are inclined to believe.
As a result, that is also why knowing how to make your business successful will have just as many recommendations on what you should do.
I’ve created a three step method that has proven success time and time again with my clients.
It’s a simple process that silences the noise and points you in the right direction.
Coincidentally, it’s why you should throw all the “rules” out the window.
Step one -Test & Repeat
By all means, I recommend learning what strategies are recommended.
We are living in the information age. There is no longer an excuse for anyone to not do something because they don’t know how.
You literally have information at your finger tips.
The internet has brought its share of challenges which can be debated, but there is a wealth of knowledge available to anyone at any time. You can learn all you need to know with a quick google search.
It’s no longer necessary to complete a long certification process and traditional learning in a classroom is simply not the only way to gain knowledge anymore.
You have unlimited resources now when it comes to learning a new strategy, set of rules or process to build a successful business.
The challenge is knowing which is right for you.
Step one is to test and repeat.
Gather information, try it out and see what your results are.
Then try another method, look at the data and test again.
It’s through the process of trying out new strategies that you’ll find what works for you and in the process what doesn’t.
Step two - Do More of what works and less of what doesn’t.
It seems like common sense, doesn’t it? I see it time and time again, though.
New entrepreneurs are pushing their way through building a social media following because everyone tells them they should.
Focusing more time and energy on the right hashtags, engagement activities and achieving that little blue checkmark but it’s not actually resulting in new clients.
When it comes to building an audience, it matter less about what strategy you are using and more about what works.
Where are YOUR people. That’s where you need to be.
How do they want to engage with you?
What has been effective thus far? Do more of that.
If social media isn’t working, why do you continue to bark up that tree?
For every “rule” there is, you will find another that contradicts it.
Some will swear by their strategy about sending DM’s in LinkedIn while another expert is touting their method for super successful Facebook ads.
Yet another expert will be recommending their brilliant networking strategy that is guaranteed to book clients.
My challenge to any new entrepreneur is to pay attention what has worked, what feels natural and simply do more of that.
Quit spinning your wheels on all the things you’ve been told to do that simply aren’t working for you and your business.
Pay more attention to your results than the never ending list of recommendations from experts.
You are the expert when its comes to your business - what you are attempting to accomplish and why?
step three - Tap into your inner wisdom & intuition.
The one piece of advice I give more often than anything else is:
Trust your gut.
It’s the easiest way to describe what it means to follow your own intuition.
Your inner being, your highest self, the universe, source, God are all ways of describing the same thing.
There is a universal wisdom that we as humans can tap into, but we are not trained to do this.
You have access to the blueprint that you need for your success here on earth.
It’s your intuition that allows you to be guided.
Follow the whispers and it will lead you to what works for you and your business.
It will direct you to the “right” expert, the new strategy, the idea in the shower to follow up on. It’s what reminds you to call an old friend at the right moment.
It’s what will lead you to the one opportunity that has the biggest impact.
Tapping into the wisdom that we all have access to takes practice.
It’s takes some time to build trust in ourselves.
It is the result of following the hits of intuition and seeing positive results that builds your confidence.
Then, rinse and repeat.
Keep testing.
Do more of what works, less of what doesn’t.
Follow your own intuition.
This is the three step method to a successful business. Simple. Not necessarily easy, but proven, effective and true.
Ready to get started? Let’s Chat! on a complementary intro call - how to start your new business when you don’t know where to start.
3 Reasons We Self Sabotage & How to Stop
What's your favorite way to self-sabotage? You know what I'm talking about. That moment when things start to go well. Like so well, that you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then, it doesn't and things are still ... just good. 😳
So ...
🤦🏻♀️ You pick a fight.
🤦🏻♀️ Find a reason to be upset - for no reason at all.
🤦🏻♀️ You yell at your kids.
🤦🏻♀️ You get annoyed in traffic.
Yup - enter our friend, self-sabotage. Only, it's not really your friend, is it? There are three reasons we do this.
One - our Comfort Zone
In The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks describes this concept so well. We have a threshold for happiness. There is a certain amount of happiness that we are accustomed to. For a lot of us, that’s not very much. Most of us are used to being in “fix it” mode and our brains are used to solving problems. This means, our minds are always searching for the next problem to solve. Looking for something to be wrong. Once we bump up against this top boundary of our comfort zone, we get uncomfortable. It’s weird and strange and we don’t like being outside of what feels “normal”, so we create a problem to solve.
Enter Self Sabotage. This is the most common reason we ruin our own happiness. We simply aren’t accustomed to feeling that happy for that long, so we do something to bump us back down to feeling just sorta kinda happy, but not really. Example. So things are going well for you and you are finally in a relationship … just like you’ve been wanting. You have been single for so long and you met this dream partner. You’re having fun getting to know him/her and it feels really good. What’s the problem? There isn’t actually a problem. You’re happy. It feels good. For too long.
Your comfort zone is only feeling a little happy. Or only for so long. When it starts to feel unfamiliar, our brains do what they do. Look for a problem. When there isn’t one, we create one. We pick a fight over which restaurant to eat at or how to unload the dishwasher. It’s not that you really care about either, but you are back in your comfort zone. You’re happy, but not too happy. it’s in those moments that you can begin to recognize what the real issue is. You can flex this happiness muscle a bit and allow yourself to feel into the uncomfortable. You can teach yourself how to make the leap to more. I like to use this mantra: The Better It Gets, The Better It Gets.
two - experience creates our expectations
So, another aspect of this concept is simply that our experience has taught us what to expect and helped us to form beliefs. History has shown us what we think will happen next - from people, environments, etc. When you go to the grocery store, you know you’ll be bombarded with the “finding everything okay?” questions at every turn. You’ve had enough people ask you enough times that now you expect it. You know that being in the grocery store means people will ask you repeatedly so you don’t even register the interruption anymore.
What do you do, though, when you realize you’ve experienced less ideal situations that you don’t want to repeat. You’re in a healthy relationship now, but you’ve always dated assholes. When you’re happy and have the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop is a good indication that your experiences have created your expectation that something will go wrong next. The challenge is that just because that’s the way it’s always been, doesn’t mean that’s the way it has to always be moving forward. You get to teach yourself how to create new expectations. The first step is always recognizing where you’ve got a belief that needs changing. Then, you get to practice.
I like to use “it is safe” affirmations in this situation. It is safe to be happy. It is safe to be in a loving relationship. it is safe to be loved. It is safe to be cared for. It’s a good way to sit in that happiness that feels uncomfortable because history has shown you as soon as you’re happy, someone is mean to you. Or that people aren’t as sweet and kind as they seem in the beginning. In whatever way your experience has taught you to expect something bad to happen or something to go wrong, you get to pick a new story.
three - are you worthy of more?
At the root of each of these previous reasons is what is always there for everyone. There is a sense of “do I deserve this?” when you’re in a happy place. When our experiences have taught us to expect not so great things for long enough, we start to believe that we don’t deserve to be that happy. it’s usually not a conscious thought thought, though, and can take some effort to uncover. These underlying beliefs that limit our potential - it’s why they are called limiting beliefs. We believe things about ourselves that is holding us back. It keeps us from being happier. It keeps us from going where we want to go.
One of the reasons we self sabotage is simply because we don’t believe we deserve to be that happy. Pretty messed up when you see it in someone else. Just as messed up when you see it in yourself. Of course, you deserve to be happy. You are worthy of every desire you have. I am worthy affirmations are a good way to change the belief, but also to recognize where the limiting beliefs are.
When you say, “I am worthy of more”, it’s vague enough to get behind it. As you get more specific, though, it can uncover where you don’t actually believe you deserve more. I am worthy of being a millionaire. I am worthy of a healthy relationship. I am worthy of gifts for no reason. I am worthy of people being kind to me. I am worthy of … Keep going until you bump up against one that feels not quite true. Well, other people are but not me. 👈 Limiting Belief to change.
Self Sabotage is a familiar comfort zone, but one that is not doing us any favors. it’s not until you decide you want more that you get to practice allowing it in. You get the opportunity to teach yourself how to want more and how to allow yourself to receive it. As always, change can feel hard, but it doesn’t have to be. It get to be easy and fun!
A goal without a plan is just a wish
As you go, taking action, one step at a time, the path unfolds before you.
Trust it’s there and it will be.
When I tell you I’ve done things before I was ready or taken these grand leaps of faith even when I was scared, it’s true.
But there have been plenty of days when I couldn’t force myself to leave my couch.
Instead, I binged Netflix all day and started drinking wine at noon.
Or I holed away and hid in a good book.
Or avoided what I “should” be doing and took my kids swimming instead.
Not my finest hour or wisest admission, perhaps, but honest.
Let’s be real.
We are all human and being overwhelmed is a natural instinct, especially when starting something new and embarking on big adventures.
So my advice is to start small when the end goal seems too big.
When I’m staring at a blank page and willing myself to write, I will tell myself, “you can’t edit a blank page.”
The same philosophy applies to most things.
I haven’t experienced anything in my life that requires perfection out of the gates.
So write a crappy first draft so you have something to edit.
Then, move onto the next phase of making it pretty.
Many times, the nudge is all that’s needed to get started and then momentum takes over.
As you write, you build confidence.
After you create your online dating profile and you start to see matches, you’re more confident to move the next step.
As you allow yourself to dream, you begin to see what’s actually possible.
The momentum of success will propel you forward.
Give yourself permission to make some progress and stop aiming for perfection.
You want to know what I’ve learned from all of the courses I’ve taken and all the books I’ve read and all the coaches I’ve hired?
They all say the same thing using their own words: Do the damn thing.
Just remind yourself: It’s never too late & You’re never too old.
Here’s your first step …The “ You Got This” Method.
So You Want To Write a Book?
When I think back to the first time I had the thought that I’d like to write a book, I recall a very timid, young teenager. I was sixteen and had just returned from a trip to California to visit my grandmother. While I was there, she shared with me two very important things: a confession of a dream lost and her personal library.
I have spoken about this many times before, but this moment was so profound for me. By learning about her desire to be an author and see the longing in her eyes for an unrealized dream, I learned two things:
I had the ability to want things this big, too. I could desire to write a book. I could dream bigger than what I thought was possible.
~ AND ~
I didn’t want to have regrets for my life that left me looking so sad.
The first book I chose to read from her bookshelf was Love Story, by Erich Segal. It was enchanting and I devoured the book in two days. It was the perfect book for a love sick teenager missing her new boyfriend while forced to vacation with her family. Instead of moping and dwelling on my own sadness, I got lost in this love story and was forever changed. Could I write a book one day? Did I want to be an author?
Perhaps, you can relate to the same desire.
Then life happened and I temporarily walked away from my own dream. I put it on a shelf and didn’t come back to it for another thirty years. Sure, the thought resurfaced many times over the years. The longing never quite went away. I just got lost in the day to day reality of raising babies and maneuvering in and out of three marriages.
When I finally let this dream out of the box I had kept it in, It felt exciting .. and daunting. This idea of writing a WHOLE book was overwhelming, to say the least.
Then the imposter syndrome kicked in:
What did I know about writing a book?
How would I find the time?
Who would want to read what I wrote?
I wasn’t smart enough to write an intelligent book.
What would I even write about?
How do I publish?
Could I make any money?
So if you have the same dream burning inside of you, I have four tips based on my own experience:
One - You should absolutely write the book you are being called to write.
You are not given dreams and desires that are not meant for you. Just because you want to is reason enough.
Two - Learn what you don’t know.
You can do hard things. Learning what your writing process is will be a journey. Don’t expect perfection along the way and be willing to learn what you don’t know. Read books, find teachers, learn what you need to know.
Three - Baby steps will get you there.
Setting a lofty goal like writing a book will take a long time. Being able to break it out into smaller, more manageable steps will be important. Knowing how many words you want to write each day or every week will be a great way to keep yourself on task. One day at a time, baby steps along the way will get you there!
Four - Just Write
You can’t edit a blank page. This is the best advice I was given. In those moments when you are facing a blank page and don’t know where to start, just write. Put crappy words down on the page so you can get some momentum flowing. Editing is a separate phase. Don’t edit as you go, just write. Your first goal is just to get words on a page so you have something to work with.
When it comes to taking these concepts and putting them into action, we sometimes need someone to hold our hand and show us the way. I truly believe when the student is ready, the teacher appears. If you are looking for that sort of guidance, I welcome you into my own program.
Join Me - Let’s write your book!
Beliefs are only thoughts you've repeated ...
Wednesday Wisdom ... passing along what I've learned. You have the power to create the life you want and you are only limited by your beliefs. Did you know a belief is only a thought that's been repeated?
Our minds are crazy powerful. It can completely limit you or open up the possibilities depending upon the quality of your thoughts. It’s important to determine what you’re doing more of. When faced with a challenge or new situation, what is your first response? I think it’s interesting when we make decisions based on something we believe to be true, but it’s nothing more than something we’ve said to ourselves long enough or heard often enough that now we actually think it’s true.
In a session the other day, I was working with a client on one of her limiting beliefs she didn’t realize was guiding her entire life. She was telling me about a recent trip to the ER with what she thought was appendicitis pain. She was describing this pain and her inability to understand why her body was hurting, but the ER doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with her.
“Sounds like your body is trying to get your attention,” I said to her. We kept digging into this idea and what could be going on. We discussed the acuteness of her pain, the tests the doctors ran, the inconclusive results. Then she says, “I am just a bad person.”
Her words struck me in that moments. It was so clear to me.
I’ve heard it said that the more aligned we are with our Inner Being and the more in alignment we are with God (one and the same, actually), the more bliss we feel. We can literally use our feelings as our guidance system. I have found this to be so true with myself and my clients time and time again.
When my client said she was a bad person and then described how much her body was in pain, it was so evident to me. I pointed out that there was nothing physically wrong with her and yet she was feeling real pain. The doctors ran every test they could and released her with no prescribed medicine to take or any recommendations for another doctor or specialist.
Put quite simply, her thoughts were hurting her. She has a belief that she is a bad person based on the things her roommates are telling her and her life experience, but she doesn’t actually believe it. She doesn’t actually think she is a bad person, but when she says those words out loud and when she thinks that, though, she feels pain. Her body was showing her what she hadn’t realized in her mood or emotions. She felt terrible. She has been feeling down for so long, she no longer registered her negative emotions as a sign that something was wrong. She was holding onto a belief so far removed from the way God sees her that it actually physically hurt her.
I believe our emotions can be an incredible guidance system, but when we ignore them for too long or numb them with vices, our bodies will step in and be the guidance system to get our attention. Ignore the emotions and feelings long enough and it will pop up as an ailment in your body. Oprah says if you ignore the whisper, you’ll get a nudge. If you ignore the nudge, you’ll get knocked over. I’m paraphrasing, of course, but the point is that your body will step into get your attention as a last resort.
When we dig into the things we believe, we can often find a repeated thought that we hold as truth when in fact, it has no basis of truth at all. In what way do you no longer question the thoughts you hold? In which ways is your body telling you something you’ve missed because you ignored the emotional clues?
Tap into the connection you have with God through prayer. Align with the universe and the source of all goodness in meditation and you will feel what I’m talking about. Pull away from that well-being and start to believe false statements and it will feel terrible. Go ahead - I dare you to pay attention. It’s fascinating.
What's your story?
When I met my ex- husband so many years ago, he rolls up next to me and says, “What’s your story?”, which makes me laugh every time I hear it now. He was, of course, aiming to be charming and funny, but this question applies so beautifully to what I have not shared thus far in this blog. What’s my story? I’ve alluded to bits and pieces over the years, here and there in posts, but usually I divulge only the parts of my story that seem to apply to the conversation at the moment or even the pieces of my past that may be received the best. You know, the least embarrassing stuff.
The truth of it all is that my story is much like many others and very different than so many others. It’s unique to me, yet not unique at all. But what I can tell you is this. My story is one of perfecting the ability to Start Over. Do you know what I love about divorce? Absolutely nothing. It’s horrendous even with all its opportunity for learning. But what comes after divorce … that phase of life where you start again? The Do Over and second change - That’s my jam. That’s the theme of my story. Again and again, when life throws me a curve ball and knocks me down, I get up, reframe, learn something more and start again.
So, I had a difficult childhood. I’m not alone in suffering trauma at a young age, but I do recall a very specific memory from when I was a little girl that stuck with me my entire life. I was crying in the backseat, being reprimanded and punished .. again … with smoke circling the air inside the closed windows of our car that my dad was driving way too fast. Usually the windows were down due to our not having air conditioning in any of our cars. My dad loved classic cars and we had no money, so he bought cars for cheap, got them running again, but AC was never a priority. I remember staring out the window, tears rolling down my cheek and seeing the eyes of strangers in cars we past and thought to myself, “I am meant for more than this.” I knew down to the core of my being that I did not belong where I was made to feel small and where I was constantly told what I was doing wrong. I knew I was meant for more than a life of crying and being scared.
In hindsight, some of that memory is me being dramatic about being a child who got in trouble. Some of that was completely valid. I also know that my parents, while flawed, did the very best they knew how to do, but they did not have the tools needed to do better. As Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.” They simply did not know any better.
What I take away from that story, though, is that I always knew I was meant for more. I always knew how I wanted to feel and I knew I would live a great life. I knew even at a young age, somehow, that I had the power to make things different. That knowing did not come from me. I believe as children, we are closer to God and our instincts are right. Somewhere along the way, the people we love and society convince us that those beliefs are wrong. I may not have known how it was going happen back then and I may have been lost for years, but I found my way. I can help you do the same.
Pretty stereotypically of poor white families with no education, I ended up pregnant in high school. I had big plans to be the first in my immediate family to go to college and live in a dorm. I was accepted to my last choice and was yet I was still looking forward to that new life - outside of my mother’s home. Then, BOOM. Positive pregnancy test in my senior year of high school and my world turned upside down. Suddenly, college seemed impossible. I felt stuck and helpless. Making the CHOICE to have my daughter was the bravest thing I had ever done. Choosing to raise her differently than I was raised meant I was out of my league and had no idea HOW to do that. Just like my parents, I didn’t have the tools, but I decided that I would do right by her and give her everything I never had. So I read books. I made friends with people who also had children, which was tough as an 18 year old. I imitated those that were doing it well. I learned by example and got all sorts of shit wrong. Ask my daughter. She can attest to my failures, but she will be the first to tell you that I broke that cycle.
I’ll fast forward through the middle of the story where I get married, plan my own wedding for $2k, we have another baby, my husband gets cancer & recovers, we get divorced, I get married again, divorced again, then married again, have two more babies. Really, the details aren’t super interesting, but with each divorce is an opportunity to begin again. Each wedding is another chance that THIS marriage that will work. Third time is the charm, right?
Well, here I am divorced for the last time and I started over, again. This time, though, I quit looking at it like I failed. I have so much knowledge now! I took an honest look at my responsibility in those 3 relationships and I can tell you now what I did to contribute to the successes and failures in each of those marriages. It always takes two. I did my part to try to make it work and I did my part to contribute to each one ending. Had I done that work sooner, I would have made different choices and I would have been a better partner the second or third time around. BUT … I would not have this vast experience needed to guide women through every type of divorce that exists - the one you chose, the one you didn’t and the “easy” one and the World War 3 version.
The part of my story that I think gets interesting again is the part where I am again a single mom working in Corporate America. I have purchased my own home for the second time in my life and I’m doing it! I am juggling this single mom life like a boss. I am running myself ragged, but I’m getting it all done. I am drinking way too much wine and I’m not sleeping well at all, but I hire help to do what I can’t do myself. I’m still learning and growing and completely shut off from the idea of having a romantic relationship again. Then, I get let go from my job. The one I wasn’t happy and fulfilled in and the reason I was already looking for another job.
“This is okay,” I think. I will jump back on the horse and find another job. That I do at a company that was not a great fit from the beginning. I suffer for 6 months working more hours per day in an office then I have in years. My kids are at a daycare they hate. We were never home and this home was costing me a small fortune. The work environment did not inspire me or motivate me to do my best work. I was becoming physically ill. Then, the president of the company calls me in to tell me “this just isn’t working out”. I wholeheartedly agreed, but I was still shocked and terrified. I had been looking for 4 of those 6 months for another job and not finding anything else.
I spent the next year soul searching and really doing the work to figure out what I was meant to do. I had spent 20 years in corporate America and did not love the work. I knew I was meant for more. All of a sudden, I was a little girl in the backseat of my father’s car and I knew … if not now, when? So here I am, nearly 2 years later. I’ve written my first novel and I’m writing my second book. I’ll be publishing my self help book early this year and I get to work with women from all walks of life who need a gentle nudge to make it through this “post divorce” slump to start again. Talk about being fulfilled by my work and getting to help people. My ex-husband and I are successfully coparenting our children so well that people tell me that we are “the weirdest divorced couple” they know. I pick up my kids from school every day and I have the flexibility and freedom I spent years praying for. I sleep until my alarm every morning now instead of waking up at 4am with insomnia that lasted until it was time to get up. I’ve broken up with wine. We still hang out occasionally but in a much healthier way. I was made for this life and I want to share all that I’ve learned. It took me decades. Let me give you my cliff notes.
Regardless of the circumstance, what you can be sure of is that when I am knocked down, I will rise again and I will be even better and stronger than before. My story is one of starting over, again and again. Starting over is what I do and I do it well.
Top 3 Tips for Actually Reaching Your Goals
If you’re anything like me, you likely set some crazy ass goals for yourself, then about 2 step in, you have some serious doubts, question your decision making skills and want to give up. I also happen to be the Queen of Procrastination. I do think of it as one of my super human skills. Still trying to figure out how it’s benefiting me, though! Over the years, I’ve discovered 3 ways to keep me motivated and to push through those moments of self sabotage. My method centers around bite size pieces, recognizing my actual progress and a little tough love.
First and foremost, there is some serious momentum that can be created when we take things slow and build upon our successes. For me, choosing one small task each day that will get me closer to my goal always seems easier and less daunting that looking at the full list of steps left to complete or my always growing to do list. So in moments of wanting to give up, I will ask myself, “what is one small step I can take right now that gets me closer to my goal?” Sandra Yancey says,
“What’s my next best move?”
It’s an amazing way to make an overwhelming goal seem smaller. When we feel like the actions are easy, we are more likely to get them done. Along the same lines, I’ve adopted a mantra I learned in my Faster Way To Fat Loss program and that is:
Progress Over Perfection
If I know that progress matters more than creating a perfect blog post, I can just write the damn thing. If I believe that writing 6 pages today in my latest book gets me closer to my goal of another finished chapter, then I get one step closer to a completed manuscript. It all comes down to bite size pieces and taking small action every day to get you closer to the end goal.
One Step At A Time.
Another trick I’ve started using just recently is super helpful when I’m feeling defeated. In those moments of being too hard on myself, I switch my focus. Instead of looking at my list of things left to do, I will make a list of all that I got done. I’ll look back at the previous day or last week and actually write down my accomplishments. It’s ALWAYS surprising to me how much progress I’m actually making when I take the time to stop and celebrate my wins. I’m not a gold star kind of a girl, so I don’t need the rewards associated with each one, but I’m my own worst critic. I’ve learned I have to force myself to recognize what I have actually done. Otherwise, I will never give myself proper credit. Every time I do this, I am left with the same surprise - Okay, I can do this!
Lastly, I’m so good at tough love. Ask my children. I have high expectations and I am learning to be more of a Rah Rah Cheerleader, but I am the hardest on myself. I know why I’m this way. It is how I work best and it’s also how I was raised. BUT, I am now learning to soften my approach, even with myself. There is still a sense of This Needs To Get Done, but as I shift my thoughts toward the positive, I am tending more toward affirmations than yelling in my head. So, here are some of my favorite mantras:
The better I become, the better I attract
Show up every day and take action - Amanda Frances
Tony Robbins says: Take Massive Action
So, I hold myself accountable to the goals I’ve set. It is usually helpful to remember my why behind any new crazy ass goal. The more it’s centered around helping other people, the more likely it is to get done, too. I may want to look like a super model, but I love tacos and I hate working out. I do love my children more than life itself, though. The idea of taking care of my body so I can be here for my children is much more motivating for me. So I take small steps every day toward being active and remind myself that I’m not trying to run a marathon or create six pack abs. I do want to have energy to play street hockey or run along side my youngest as she learns to ride her bike. I remind myself to “move my ass” daily and I keep track of how many times I actually did last week. It’s my go to method for actually reaching my goals. What about you? I’d love to read your comments below!
Choosing Happy
I like to start with saying that the first step toward getting what you want in life is to choose that you want it - choose that you deserve it and choose that it will be yours. It’s often easier said than done, but you can’t possibly attract something into your life that you don’t believe you can have. We have to first believe it can happen and then we can move toward it coming true.
Let’s say you’re wanting to wake up each day excited about what lies ahead because you’re tired of waking up reluctantly and dreading your 9-5. The first step is to choose that you want to feel better. Choose the way you want to feel when you first open your eyes in the morning. Visualize what you will say to yourself and how it will feel. Choose to feel happy and choose to be excited. I use this practice of setting my intentions and practicing the feelings I want to hold through out my day by using the last few minutes before I go to sleep to remind myself how I want to feel when I wake up and practicing the first few minutes after waking up.
It doesn’t matter if you’re day ahead is going to a job you hate, it’s the day you clean house or you’re running errands that you can’t stand. The “what” you are doing has absolutely nothing to do with how you are choosing to feel while you do are doing it. It really doesn’t. You can choose to feel happy and content while you are grocery shopping even if normally the idea of picking out vegetables your kids won’t eat is appalling. You can decide that you want to feel better no matter what your day holds.
Beyond choosing how you want feel, it helps to spend time practicing. You can’t be happy if you don’t know how it feels. Spend the first few minutes of your day feeling the feelings of being happy. Take a few seconds to revel in the way happy feels before you put your feet on the ground. Say out-loud how you want to feel and what you will do today. I find regular touch points throughout the day helpful too. I remind myself how I am choosing to feel and take a second to get myself back to how it feels over and over again.
Our words have such power. They can direct our thoughts and our thoughts direct our emotions. If you’ll just practice saying out loud how you want to feel as if it’s already happening, it will begin to take hold.
“I am so exited about going to work today.”
“I am so happy to be alive and awake and ready to start my day.”
“I am so happy as I pick out food for my family.”
“I love to have a clean house and I love the way a clean house smells.”
I also find it helpful to speak about what I “get” to do instead of what I have to do. Instead of saying I have to go to work or I have errands I have to run, I have started saying instead that I am so excited that I get to do - whatever it is that I have in my day. The first words I say to myself in the morning are how I want to feel about what I get to do. “I am so happy and excited about what I get to do today”. Sometimes, I’ll name the specific, but if that’s too hard to get behind, I will just say “I am so exited about what I get to do today.” It’s amazing how the shift in my words and the focus on how I choose to feel will actually dictate how the day unfolds.
It’s amazing to me how simply choosing that I want to feel better will give me permission to make it happen. I’ve also realized that once I start intentionally choosing better words to use, using a more positive spin on things and shifting my focus to feeling better, I realize more and more how negative my self speak is. It is like peeling back the layers of an onion to notice the thoughts and words on the surface and what lies underneath those. Once you start, new things unfold and it’s a continuous cycle of improvement.
Trust the process and allow it to unfold. Let go of any judgment. Now, when I notice myself falling into an old pattern, I do my best to just stop, notice and let it go. Instead, of “OMG There I go again” or “My goodness how negative!”, I will just say, “huh, isn’t that interesting.” Then, I will remind myself that I choose to feel better and replace the old negative thought with a new one that is positive. If it’s especially challenging to reframe, I will find 3 positives for every negative. I find myself still working through negative self speak when I’m referring to my body, so my reframing sounds like this:
Old Pattern - oh my god I need to lose weight. Look at this flab.
Recognize - There’s that old thought again.
Reframe - I choose to be thankful for this body instead of shaming it.
Replace with positive - I am so proud of how well this body was able to create, grow and birth four beautiful humans. My body is healthy and strong. It is getting stronger every day and it is beautiful and I am grateful for all that it allows me to do.
There is power in your words and there is strength in repetition. When there is a lifetime of momentum and habits of negative thoughts, it takes time to shift and create a new pattern. Allow yourself to get a little bit better every day and remember how you are choosing feel. You are choosing to feel happy which won’t come from beating yourself up or expecting perfection. Be gentle, keep going and choose happy over and over again.
Let me know how it’s working for you!