What My 3 Divorces Taught Me

Do you know what I love about divorce?

Absolutely nothing.  Even with all its opportunity for growth, it’s still horrendous.  The universal truth about all divorces is they suck.  Even the “best”, most amicable ones are still terrible.  Here’s what I also know to be true … being divorced doesn’t mean anything about your character.  It has no way of defining your future unless you let it.  It’s always a chance for a fresh start and with new opportunities comes the possibility of something better.  

Divorce Sucks, but your life doesn’t have to.

Now … what comes after divorce, that phase of life where you get to start again, the do-over, and second-chance - that’s my jam.  I have perfected the art of dusting myself off after a loss and starting again.  Along my path to mid-life, divorced three times, single mom and entrepreneur, I have learned quite a bit.  

Here are my top lessons that come from being a three times divorcee.  (because you know it sounds fancy and bougie when you put a cute label on it.)

Our mistakes don’t define us

Try telling someone you’ve been divorced three times and see if that doesn’t make them think they know something about you.  I certainly thought it did mean something about me for awhile.  There is this phase of life after divorce - the guilt, the shame and society’s view on divorce - had me believing there was something wrong with me.  The world says: You are divorced, so you are broken, damaged, and a failure. 

When I found myself divorced for the third time, I actually believed it all .. and then some.

Until one day, I didn’t.  I woke up and decided that this life experience didn’t actually mean anything about me as a person.  I’m not a failure unless I choose to be.  I am not a broken individual. I am quite healthy and strong actually.  I was damaged from those heartbreaks, but I have healed.  I, in fact, have succeeded in many ways.   I have become an example to my children on how to be independent even when I didn’t want to be, how to make difficult choices in the face of massive uncertainty, how to learn new skills and love myself enough to leave when necessary.  I did make mistakes in those marriages and in my life overall, but those mistakes don’t define who I am. 

Those mistakes only show the outside world where I’ve been - not who I am.

Our past doesn’t determine our future

Single moms can feel as if they are destined to a life of struggle and sacrifice.  The term alone has a negative connotation when you think about it.  We all picture the same thing don’t we? Less money, no time, frazzled and alone.  Being divorced, though, doesn’t have to mean anything about where you go from here, unless you choose to let it.  

Your past is only where you’ve been.  It has no bearings on where you go from here.

The future can be amazing. It can hold new career opportunities, living in places you’ve only dreamed of or falling in love again.  This second phase is completely up to you to define and make happen.  Your future is not already determined and has very little to do with where you came from.  My second phase had me leaving the comforts of Corporate American with all its chaotic requirements and unfulfilling conference calls for a new life as an entrepreneur filled with freedom, flexibility and ultimate fulfillment. I published my first book and finally got paid to actually help people.

While starting again after divorce can be quite daunting, it really does hold infinite possibilities.  

We can always start again

Regardless of the past, mistakes or divorces, we are always starting again.  It may not feel that way in the moment.  When looking ahead after a big loss, it can feel hopeless. 

With every fall, though, we have the ability to choose to get back up, dust ourselves off and start again.

You may have seen this Olympic commercial from several years back, but it always warms my heart. We see children of all ages falling down and their moms picking them back up. They start as toddlers learning to walk, then we see small hockey players falling on the hard cold ice. Next we see teenage athletes with bigger and bigger falls. Images fill the screen of moms applying bandages, taking off sopping wet uniforms, tears and ice packs. The end of the commercial shows Olympic athletes all looking out into the audience with the universal Thanks Mom look on their faces. For teaching us that falling only makes us stronger. Cue the waterworks, right?

The thing about this life after divorce is we can do that for ourselves. We can take a deep breath, get back up and start again. We can recognize this fall as only a temporary stumble. We can choose to see our future as a blank slate, a new opportunity and the possibility to build something great.  You and I both get to create a beautiful life.  

We are never too old.  It’s never too late.

Semi colon moment

My third divorce felt monumental, as you can imagine.  It felt like giving up when, in reality, I was not the one who wanted the divorce.  I was holding on - kicking and screaming - to that tumultuous marriage just to NOT get divorced … again.  Inevitably, I found myself in familiar territory and it felt like my life was over.  The pity party that came next was impressive by any drama queen’s standards.  Then, while scrolling through Pinterest one day, I found a saying about a semi-colon and it flipped the script for me.

A semi-colon is where an author could have ended the sentence, but chose to continue. 

This resonated with me so deeply that I instantly realized - my story isn’t over. It will continue. I will keep going. 

So, I took pause, regrouped, and began writing the end of my story.  I also got a semi-colon tattoo on my wrist so I see it every day as a reminder that where I go next is always up to me.  

It’s only an ending if you want it to be.

Is this your semi-colon moment?  If you are ready to Start Again, but don’t know where to start, sign up for The Breakup Bundle - designed for the single mom who is short on time and money.

3 ways to truly skyrocket your life after the big D

Do you know what I love about divorce?

Absolutely nothing.  It’s horrendous even with all its opportunity for growth.  But what comes after divorce, that phase of life where you get to start again, the do-over, and second-chance - that’s my jam.  With that theme in mind, what follows are the three ways to take your life after divorce and make it better than ever.  

Know who you are & give yourself permission to change

After divorce, there is a period of coming back to yourself, remembering who you are and also discovering who you want to be in the future.  This path of self discovery can be an enjoyable adventure as you give yourself permission to try new things and have some fun, but it can also be quite daunting as you work through some honest recognition that perhaps you’re not quite the person you want to be.  It is, however, a critical step on your path to true fulfillment and happiness. 

Why should we continue to do things a certain way just because that’s the way we’ve always done it? Divorce gives us an opportunity to ask: Who do I get to be now?

You have a chance to decide where to go from here.  You can change your mind and switch directions if you want.  You can choose a different career.  You can pick up an old hobby.  You can change your hair or buy new clothes.  You can redecorate your home or define a new style.  You can move.  You get to decide how the story goes from here and who this new you is going to be.  

Put your best foot forward & give the world the best you possible

We hear it packaged all sorts of ways: make time for self-care, take time for yourself, be sure to exercise and spend time doing what you love.  Happy wife, happy life.  Ain’t nobody happy if Mama ain’t happy.  But why don’t we actually believe it?

When you take time to make yourself a priority, you are actually giving the world the best you have to offer.  Putting yourself first and making your own happiness a priority actually makes you a better mom, employee, friend and family member. Self care does not equal selfishness.

All the ways you can be kind to yourself and learn that your needs matter will make you a better person.  A happier you who is well-rested, not carrying around unwanted weight, exercising and treating yourself occasionally just because it makes you feel good - these are all ways that you are creating the best version of yourself that you can be.   You matter.  Your happiness matters.  Your love of something just because it makes you happy - that stuff matters.  

If we can’t properly love ourselves, how on earth are we supposed to know how to love others?  Embracing the value of self-care is one small step toward fully preparing yourself to be the best partner you can be in your next relationship.  Self care is a beautiful way to teach us how we want to be loved.  It can be a valuable learning experience around what is important is how you feel the most fulfilled.  

Expect more & dream big

You have the ability to design your future.  This is your opportunity to really consider what you want and start to believe that it is possible.  You don’t have to know how to get there.  Playing it safe and playing small only keeps us from living the life of our dreams.  Your dream can be bigger than a new job or a new man or even things you can buy.  Reach Further.  

Beautiful girl, you can do amazing things.

You are new seeking to merely survive this life.  It’s not enough to just look back at the end of your life and think: Wow, I really survived a lot.  Instead of merely working to pay the bills, what if you aimed for the stars?  If the worst thing that happens is you end up on the moon, at least you didn’t settle for staying put on Earth.  What is the legacy you are leaving behind for your children?  What example do you set for them on how to live your best life?

Continue to grow and evolve.  Make a plan.  Keep track.  Do more of what’s working.  Do less of what’s not working.  Revise your plan.  Insist on not sitting still and instead become the best version of yourself that you can be, scars and all.  You were meant for a great life and you can do anything you set your mind to. 

So You’re Divorced, So What?  Where will you go next?

If you need help rewriting your story, download my free Start Again Guide as step one.

Am I a pushover parent? Grief sometimes wins.

Mourning the loss of a loved one, the end of your marriage or even the loss of a friendship all carry similarities of grief. Each is as unique as the person you’ve lost, but all grief carries the same traits. I devoted an entire chapter of my book, So You’re Divorced, So What?, to this concept. I walked through the stages of grief and offered my suggestions on how to move through them, but one important thing to consider is this: You don’t get over grief, you get through it. It’s not something that you deal with once and never to feel that loss again. It’s not linear and it never really makes sense. It’s fluid and flows like the waves in the ocean. Sometimes gentle and other times viscous and brutal. Each and every person will grieve their loss differently than the next.

I’ve shared before how difficult it’s been for me to attempt to guide my son through the loss of his friend at 7 years old to brain cancer, but honestly, in all my parenting years, this has been the challenge that keeps on giving. How do you do that exactly? Each year that passes, we process a little more and in different ways. Today marks the anniversary of the day Brock left us. This year, he stayed home from school and last year he was ready to be with other friends. Again, not linear. Today, he has spent the morning watching a sweet Christmas movie, he took a break from reality in some video games, went outside to shoot his pellet gun and we built a fort for the little girls in this house to enjoy this afternoon. He’s such a sweet boy. Kind, thoughtful and still missing his friend and struggling how to process the sad.

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I typically try to follow my kids lead. I give them more grace than others think is necessary. It may appear that they rule the roost or call the shots, but like I tell them, I’m the one steering this ship. They may have more leniency with me than other moms allow for backtalk and general disrespect, but here’s what I know. There is no manual with parenting. Sure, I’ve read my share of parenting books from experts, but at the end of the day, no book, advice or even the child before them could ever adequately prepare me for parenting the child in front of me in that moment. What works for one of my children, doesn’t necessarily work for the next. So, I take all the advice in, absorb all the information I can and then take my kids’ lead on what they need from me.

I did read in a parenting book about divorce long ago that children will act out more with mom than anyone else because they know to the core of their being that unconditional love resides with their mom. They know without being told that no matter what they say or do, Mom will always love them. She is their safe space to release the emotions that are scary or don’t make sense. Have you heard it said that kids don’t say “I’ve had a rough day”, but instead they ask “will you play with me?” I don’t know how much I’ve actually believed this, but in the past two decades of parenting, I have done my best to remind myself of that in moments when they are having an outburst, even when it looks like I’m being soft or too lax to others watching me. It has given me the chance for an extra breath and take pause before reacting. The other day, I called my youngest daughter on it in a moment of exceptional sassiness. I asked her why she was so rude to me and not other people. She actually said, “because you’re my mom. I know you still love me.”

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When it comes to helping my son navigate this grief process, that has meant that some days, I allow him to avoid his feelings altogether. Other times, I prod gently to encourage him to feel the sadness in tiny bits at a time. When we first told him about his friend going to heaven, his first words were “so, they didn’t find a cure?” It broke my heart - a child’s innocence and belief in the impossible shattered in an instant. When we pushed a little too hard to talk about it, he would come back with “It’s just too sad.” So, on the anniversaries and important days, I let him get lost in video games or stay home from school. I follow his lead. Even if this means he is taking advantage of the situation to avoid school that he hates. I’ll give him this pass because, you know what? His friend died and I can’t bring him back or take away his sadness no matter how many times I pray to God to let have his sadness instead. I can handle so much heartbreak and pain. I won’t break. I know I can survive it, but watching him hurt is worse than all the pain I’ve endured before now.

If you’ve navigated this territory and have any advice, please comment below. I’m sure I speak for others who are reading when I say, we are all ears. I may coach women how to grieve the loss of their divorce, but I feel out of my territory with this one, still, four years later.

How I handled Coparenting with Covid

Coparenting together from two different houses can be a challenge in and of itself, but what do you do when covid hits one house and not the other?  Let me tell you a tale of our experience …

It all started on a Tuesday with a request from the littles’ dad who wanted to take my son hunting Wednesday morning before school. This is a whole thing in Texas during hunting season & my son equally loves hunting and hockey.  Normally, I would have insisted that this father/son bonding wait until the weekend, but I decided to practice what I preach and pick my battles. Instead of putting my foot down out of principle, I told him instead: I will take your lead on this one.  I really do think it’s important in this coparenting relationship for us both to allow the other parent room to call the shots from time to time.  But I digress.

Fast forward to the next day when Dad starts running a fever and goes to get his previously scheduled covid test (he had a weekend trip planned and everyone agreed to testing prior to getting together).  Covid Positive.

Well, damn.  After we all saw him Tuesday evening and my son spent the morning in a deer stand with him.  So now my son has been exposed, the question becomes does he stay there or come home and possibly expose us all, if we weren’t already?

Here’s what I have learned:

• No one really knows about this virus - even doctors disagree

• Positive test results only after fever started for the two adults

• 10 days - is the quarantine wait after symptoms begin and/or exposure

• Symptoms vary from person to person - cough, fever, congestion, chills, aches, headache, etc.

• 3 days - how long you need to be fever free to be deemed not contagious

Our Thanksgiving break from school didn’t go as planned.  My daughter stayed with me and neither of us ever got sick.  We isolated to minimize the risk to other people and thankfully, we stayed healthy.  My son quarantined at Dad’s house and did show very minor symptoms, but never ran a full blown fever.  The adults were hit much harder and now we are awaiting retesting results.

I will venture to guess that our experience isn’t all that rare.  Did you see my “I’m so sad” post awhile back?  It was beyond difficult for me to be away from my son when he had the potential of being very sick.  The fear of the unknown was in full swing for me.  I am so grateful that he wasn’t.  I have never spent more than a week away from my littles since my divorce, so 14 days seemed like an eternity.  

I missed my son like crazy.  My daughter was so sad to not see her brother and her dad for so long - especially when we live so close.  My son was devastated to miss his hockey tournament and even missed being here with us when given the chance to play video games nonstop for days on end.  Their dad missed his baby girl and her sweet hugs.  

We managed to do a few things that helped ease the angst and separation a bit:

• We did a driveway visit several times where my son would sit at his bedroom window and we’d talk to him on the phone.  As his voice came through the car speakers (thank you bluetooth), it was almost like a drive-in movie.  Who am I kidding?  It was not at all the same thing. 

• We dropped off treats every couple days to the Covid House.  Meds with Pedialyte and Gatorade one day, Lemon pie or his XBOX another day.  Kindness always wins and, for me, it was easier to wait when I can do something to help and didn’t feel quite so helpless.

• FaceTime is a godsend when you can’t be in person.  It’s not quite the same, but it does help to be able to see each other’s faces.  We spent most of Thanksgiving video chatting with everyone we couldn’t be with.  It did help a tiny bit.

• I learned to vary my questions and use them sparingly.  It gets old to answer “How are you feeling?” every single day for two weeks.  Offers to help are better received than asking over and over again for an update that takes days for the status to change.  Patience is not my virtue, but it was much needed while we waited.

All in all, I’m very grateful it wasn’t worse and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I am eager to get back to our “normal” life where we share kids who bounce back and forth between two houses - together. Who knew I’d ever say THAT?

What My 3 Divorces Taught Me …

You cannot imagine the shame and embarrassment I’ve carried with me since my last divorce.  Having to admit, out loud, to perfect strangers that I have three “failed marriages” under my belt was beyond difficult.  I typically tried to camouflage my embarrassment with self deprecating humor.  If you know me, you’ve heard me poking fun at myself … before anyone else has the chance to.  Somewhere along the way, though, I’ve learned to have some grace with myself.   One of my amazing therapists was constantly reminding me to do this and yet, it took me years to begin truly embracing what those words actually mean.  What I can tell you now is that each divorce has taught me more about myself than anyone else.  I’ve learned what causes relationships to break down and how to prevent those cracks from growing over time.  I’ve also discovered that public failures are the very best life lessons.

Look in the mirror.

You know how those things that really bother you most in other people are usually those things about yourself that you don’t yet recognize?  Yeah, me neither at first.  Over the years, I began to realize that in all the ways I was frustrated by my husband (pick one!) was really just a mirror into my own insecurities and things about myself that I didn’t like very much.  I have been told I have a potent personality and what I have come to realize is that means I don’t lean toward sugar coating.  I am a strong, independent woman and have a difficult time letting someone else lead me.  I have had to learn the art of genuine praise which does not come naturally to me and struggled to find some positive things to say on really tough days.  As a result, I haven’t always been a very pleasant person to live with.  I have such high expectations for myself that these three very different men had to try to live up to really unrealistic ideas. If I could go back now and talk to the younger me, I would have some wisdom to share with her!  That’s not to say any one of these relationships would have worked out, but I maybe could have saved myself some of the self inflicted misery along the way.  Being able to take ownership for all the ways I contributed toward those marriages ending has been extremely freeing.

Why did you get divorced?

I can recognize the conversation from a mile away.  The one that starts with “Can we talk?”  I know the look in her eye, I recognize the fear and sense of loss she is carrying with her as she reaches out to me, one of the few people she knows who has been divorced.  Equally interesting to me is how many times I’ve heard someone say “What happened?” when they hear of another marriage ending. The truth is most marriages don’t end for one clear cut reason.  Typically, there has been a steady deterioration of the relationship over time.  Divorces happen because of a bunch of tiny little reasons that eventually become too much to endure.   People stop giving as much, people stop communicating, people stop showing how much they care and begin taking their partner for granted.  The little shit matters!  The tiny expressions of love that are easiest to stop, that is the beginning of the end.  I can talk to you about love languages and dating your spouse, but in all honesty, it’s not a one size fits all approach.  Knowing what I know now, though, I can tell you what to do to avoid some of the pitfalls. Also, some marriages are not meant to be saved and were not intended for the long haul.  Abusive and unhealthy relationships are never okay.

Divorce is SO Public.

The thing about being a divorced woman is the decision to change your name is the most public way to announce your change in marital status.  Whether you want to have the conversation or not, if you’ve changed your name, you are forced to say why.  You will have this conversation with friends and family you haven’t seen in years, to everyone you share your resume with, to every single person you interact with professionally via email, and every single utility provider.  My favorite example of what can be a super awkward conversation was after my 2nd divorce.  I was presenting to customers in person and introduced myself, using my maiden name instead of the last name they had known me by for the past few years.  One of the men in the room, a high level executive from one of our most important customers, interrupted with, “oh, congratulations, did you get married?”  I paused, mortified, and said, “No, the opposite actually.”  He didn’t skip a beat and said, “Well, congratulations anyways.”  Everyone in the room chucked and I felt a sense of relief. In that moment, I realized that my divorce, while way more public than I would have liked was in my control in how I chose to present it.  I could be the victim, embarrassed about my perceived failure or I could own it as part of my story.  I could choose to let it just be what it is - same person, different name.  

You’re the author of your story.

Do I love that three divorces is part of my story?  No, but I have stopped referring to them as failures.  I have relationships that were promised to last a lifetime come to an end.  I have learned lessons along the way that I just could not have learned by watching someone else stumble.  I have experience now that makes me a damn good coach.  I can guide my clients back toward a fulfilling relationship or out of an unhealthy one. I have acquired valuable experience that I simply could not learn just from reading a book. Also, I have had three men stand before our family and friends and promise to love me forever. How lucky am I?

If you need help rewriting your story, download my free Start Again Guide as step one.