What My 3 Divorces Taught Me

Do you know what I love about divorce?

Absolutely nothing.  Even with all its opportunity for growth, it’s still horrendous.  The universal truth about all divorces is they suck.  Even the “best”, most amicable ones are still terrible.  Here’s what I also know to be true … being divorced doesn’t mean anything about your character.  It has no way of defining your future unless you let it.  It’s always a chance for a fresh start and with new opportunities comes the possibility of something better.  

Divorce Sucks, but your life doesn’t have to.

Now … what comes after divorce, that phase of life where you get to start again, the do-over, and second-chance - that’s my jam.  I have perfected the art of dusting myself off after a loss and starting again.  Along my path to mid-life, divorced three times, single mom and entrepreneur, I have learned quite a bit.  

Here are my top lessons that come from being a three times divorcee.  (because you know it sounds fancy and bougie when you put a cute label on it.)

Our mistakes don’t define us

Try telling someone you’ve been divorced three times and see if that doesn’t make them think they know something about you.  I certainly thought it did mean something about me for awhile.  There is this phase of life after divorce - the guilt, the shame and society’s view on divorce - had me believing there was something wrong with me.  The world says: You are divorced, so you are broken, damaged, and a failure. 

When I found myself divorced for the third time, I actually believed it all .. and then some.

Until one day, I didn’t.  I woke up and decided that this life experience didn’t actually mean anything about me as a person.  I’m not a failure unless I choose to be.  I am not a broken individual. I am quite healthy and strong actually.  I was damaged from those heartbreaks, but I have healed.  I, in fact, have succeeded in many ways.   I have become an example to my children on how to be independent even when I didn’t want to be, how to make difficult choices in the face of massive uncertainty, how to learn new skills and love myself enough to leave when necessary.  I did make mistakes in those marriages and in my life overall, but those mistakes don’t define who I am. 

Those mistakes only show the outside world where I’ve been - not who I am.

Our past doesn’t determine our future

Single moms can feel as if they are destined to a life of struggle and sacrifice.  The term alone has a negative connotation when you think about it.  We all picture the same thing don’t we? Less money, no time, frazzled and alone.  Being divorced, though, doesn’t have to mean anything about where you go from here, unless you choose to let it.  

Your past is only where you’ve been.  It has no bearings on where you go from here.

The future can be amazing. It can hold new career opportunities, living in places you’ve only dreamed of or falling in love again.  This second phase is completely up to you to define and make happen.  Your future is not already determined and has very little to do with where you came from.  My second phase had me leaving the comforts of Corporate American with all its chaotic requirements and unfulfilling conference calls for a new life as an entrepreneur filled with freedom, flexibility and ultimate fulfillment. I published my first book and finally got paid to actually help people.

While starting again after divorce can be quite daunting, it really does hold infinite possibilities.  

We can always start again

Regardless of the past, mistakes or divorces, we are always starting again.  It may not feel that way in the moment.  When looking ahead after a big loss, it can feel hopeless. 

With every fall, though, we have the ability to choose to get back up, dust ourselves off and start again.

You may have seen this Olympic commercial from several years back, but it always warms my heart. We see children of all ages falling down and their moms picking them back up. They start as toddlers learning to walk, then we see small hockey players falling on the hard cold ice. Next we see teenage athletes with bigger and bigger falls. Images fill the screen of moms applying bandages, taking off sopping wet uniforms, tears and ice packs. The end of the commercial shows Olympic athletes all looking out into the audience with the universal Thanks Mom look on their faces. For teaching us that falling only makes us stronger. Cue the waterworks, right?

The thing about this life after divorce is we can do that for ourselves. We can take a deep breath, get back up and start again. We can recognize this fall as only a temporary stumble. We can choose to see our future as a blank slate, a new opportunity and the possibility to build something great.  You and I both get to create a beautiful life.  

We are never too old.  It’s never too late.

Semi colon moment

My third divorce felt monumental, as you can imagine.  It felt like giving up when, in reality, I was not the one who wanted the divorce.  I was holding on - kicking and screaming - to that tumultuous marriage just to NOT get divorced … again.  Inevitably, I found myself in familiar territory and it felt like my life was over.  The pity party that came next was impressive by any drama queen’s standards.  Then, while scrolling through Pinterest one day, I found a saying about a semi-colon and it flipped the script for me.

A semi-colon is where an author could have ended the sentence, but chose to continue. 

This resonated with me so deeply that I instantly realized - my story isn’t over. It will continue. I will keep going. 

So, I took pause, regrouped, and began writing the end of my story.  I also got a semi-colon tattoo on my wrist so I see it every day as a reminder that where I go next is always up to me.  

It’s only an ending if you want it to be.

Is this your semi-colon moment?  If you are ready to Start Again, but don’t know where to start, sign up for The Breakup Bundle - designed for the single mom who is short on time and money.