My dad was the boogie man
I only say this because that’s what he told me growing up. You are scared of the boogie man? I am the boogie man.
Have you seen the movie train wreck? If not, the next sentence is a bit of a spoiler.
There is a part of the movie where Amy Schumer's character is standing up to speak at her father's funeral and she starts by saying, "My dad was an asshole."
I think this was supposed to be a shocker moment, but I chuckled and thought "Hey, mine too!".
Listen, if you've read my book, you know I had some challenges with my father growing up.
If you know me well, you know this may be a bit of an understatement.
But here's the thing. Today, he is the only person in my family who I still have a relationship with and it's a really good one.
He is my biggest fan with this book despite the fact that it painted him in a not so pleasant light.
He told me recently, “Covid slowed everyone down but you.”
So while I may use examples from my childhood to say "hey our experiences don't define us", I will also tell you the people we grow up with do. Those early relationships do define us.
This man was instrumental in making me who I am today.
The reason I don't back down from a challenge is because that's what he taught me to do - both by example and with his words and expectations. He had extremely high expectations for his children growing up, but only because those for himself were so much higher.
My work ethic comes from watching him work really hard to provide for his family. We may have struggled financially, but that was not because he was lazy or not motivated. He told me during one of my single mama days when he came over to fix my air conditioner that the reason he pushed me so hard to go to college was because he didn’t want me to know how to do things like that. He didn’t want me to work hard doing what he called menial labor for not enough money. He knew education was my ticket out of a life of struggle. So he insisted that I go to college. I credit my grandmother for being the example that it could be done, but my father’s expectations fueled that desire. He never gave me a choice and that resulted in me knowing that was just something I would do. Even if I didn’t know how.
My strength and courage to handle scary shit comes from him doing that in a way that made him appear fearless. He literally ran through tornado filled thunder storms under a blanket to come get me from a friend’s house just because I was scared as a little girl.
My tenacity and grit - also him. He never gave up on a project until it was done. When he didn’t know how to fix one of our cars, he bought another manual and taught himself how.
He taught me there was nothing I couldn't do just because I'm a girl. I learned how to play and love baseball. I learned how to shoot guns. I ran faster than the boys in my neighborhood.
He taught me how to be self sufficient and stand on my own two feet. As a result, I do most of my home projects myself. When in doubt, I know I can simply Call Dad and he’ll help me out of whatever bind I’m in. So I may be a single mom, but I can change my tire, fix my garbage disposal, install a new car door handle, change out faucets and install light fixtures. Chances are I’m a better painter than you or anyone you know.
While he likes to give me a hard time for driving too fast, that's also on him. He claims it’s genetics because his uncle was a race car driver, but I knew from an early age what it felt like to ride in a car that went fast and all I know now is I still like it.
So while I may point out the not so great memories because it helps me paint the picture on where I came from, let me also be the example that relationships can be mended. Most of the healing is internal work for you with a healthy dose of accepting people for who are and giving credit where credit is due.
If you need my help, let’s chat more. I can walk you through it step by step.
Panic Attacks are just rude.
Do you experience these, too?
Anxiety. Fear. Stress. It’s the driving force behind most of these events.
I have suffered from panic attacks my entire adult life, only I didn’t realize that’s what it was .. for years! Sure, if you look at my life on paper, it makes sense for why I’d be struggling to deal with stressful situations. Teen pregnancy, young marriage, divorced and remarried before 30, blended families, new babies after a LONG gap, two more divorces before 40, being let go from two jobs in less than a year as a single mom.
I’m sure y’all get it. Life can be hard.
But why does anxiety react in our bodies to the point that we question if we might actually die? Talk about a dramatic way to get our attention.
For me, my panic attacks usually are a wake up call to fears I have been avoiding. Only for me, it shows up as my heart beating in all the ways that are not fucking normal.
I’ve learned after:
multiple trips to the ER
many doctor visits (including various types of cardiologists)
seeing a chiropractor
regular appointments with my massage therapist
working with an energy healer
… that my heart is just fine. As in, it is not unhealthy in the least. I am not at risk of a heart attack, but these panic attacks have generated such fear in the past that all of that knowledge, reason and logic flies out the window in the moment of my heart beating so fast and so hard that I feel like I’ve just ran a marathon.
For the record, I have never done this. I have no idea what it feels like to run a marathon or how fast my heart-rate would be. I’m just going to guess it’s pretty similar to the speed that has sent me to the ER on more than one occasion.
So, I’ve found some things that work really well for me when anxiety is screaming at me. It’s been lots of trial and error. What works one day doesn’t always work the next, but in the event it may be helpful to you, I’m sharing some lessons learned.
3 ways to soothe a panic attack…
Meditation
Generally, meditation is my go to for its calming nature, but in the heat of a panic attack, I can’t typically guide myself. Panic isn’t linear or logical, so I can’t talk myself out of it. It’s all energetic and emotions, so I usually need something to help me not think about it.
This is simply not a time when affirmations or positive self talk is enough to calm the physical response to fear that my body is having.
Sometimes, peaceful music or binaural beats are enough, but I recently discovered a guided meditation on Insight Timer for Panic Attacks and this is PURE MAGIC.
There have been times in my life when an attack has lasted on and off again for hours. In less than 12 minutes, this man’s voice gets my body out of freak out mode - every single time I’ve used it.
Breath-work
Initially, when I first started having panic attacks, I could simply lie down flat on my back and slow my breathing and it would slow my speeding heart-rate in a matter of minutes. This became less effective as time went on, but depending on the level of stress, it does still work at times.
The guided meditation I suggested is teaches you a very specific way to breathe, but in the midst of a full blown panic attack, I have been better at following directions than remembering how to breathe on my own.
Go figure.
Get physical
First, changing your location can sometimes be enough to break the emotional response to whatever has triggered a panic attack. Exercise, in general, has been proven to reduce anxiety and help prevent future panic attacks. Sometimes, it can be as simple as: Move Your Ass!
And then. Other times, it’s not.
Bringing your awareness to your physical experience can also be very helpful. Fear and stress can be a bit illogical at times, so forcing your mind to focus on what you are physically sensing can be an excellent way to break out of the chaos of a panic attack.
Pay attention and say out loud what you notice about your five senses. What do you see, here, smell, taste, and touch?
Now, once you’ve managed the actual event of a panic attack and found the soothing that your body needs in the moment, it’s time to get to work on resolving the underlying issue that’s causing them. Panic attacks aren’t something we need to learn to accept as normal, but they are super common. In fact, according to these stats, 1 million Americans experience panic attacks each month. The good news, though, is that 70-90% of patients are helped significantly by seeking treatment. Oftentimes, treatment can be as simple as talk therapy.
Key takeaway - you are not alone if you experience panic attacks. You just might need a little help.
Also, it should go without saying, but I am not a trained medical professional.
For any heart ailments such as the ones I’ve described should always be reviewed by your doctor to rule out actual life threatening problems.
Latest information from the CDC says: Despite increases in awareness over the past decades, only about half (56%) of women recognize that heart disease is their number 1 killer.
Heart disease is the leading cause of death for women in the United States, killing 299,578 women in 2017—or about 1 in every 5 female deaths.2
Heart disease is the leading cause of death for African American and white women in the United States. Among American Indian and Alaska Native women, heart disease and cancer cause roughly the same number of deaths each year. For Hispanic and Asian or Pacific Islander women, heart disease is second only to cancer as a cause of death.3
About 1 in 16 women age 20 and older (6.2%) have coronary heart disease, the most common type of heart disease:4
About 1 in 16 white women (6.1%), black women (6.5%), and Hispanic women (6%)
About 1 in 30 Asian women (3.2%)
Divulging My Biggest Mom Guilt
Just in case you think I have painted a pretty little picture of the perfect mom who is always zen … Let me be clear … perfect, I am not.
The one thing I still don’t get right way too often is that I yell at my kids. Like raise my voice with curse words when I’m frustrated, angry or upset. It could be their inability to follow directions the first, third or eighth time I’ve told them to do something … because children. It could be the fact that they move at the pace of molasses falling leisurely out of a bottle. It could be that I’ve procrastinated again and didn’t start dinner early enough. It could be that I’m wrestling with my own emotions about something that has nothing to do with them.
When I am stressed … l tend to raise my voice. I still wonder … can my neighbors can hear me?
Now, I have applied all that I teach and this does happen way less often than it used to, but that’s, in a large part, due to the fact that our lives look so different now. We have been home for six months and the closest we have come to running late is when we are in the next room and two minutes late for a zoom call. Pre-covid, I had cultivated a life where my kids took on more responsibility, we prepared more the night before and our mornings generally ran smoother. That all meant - less yelling.
However, last night, we fell into old patterns. Here’s the thing. We are all a work in progress and while I logically know what to do, I am human. Our muscle memory with emotions is strong! My triggers can be adjusted, but that shit takes time. And it takes practice.
Which brings me back to last night - MOM FAIL.
It was our first night of soccer practice. I was trying to pick up the house, finish some work and cook dinner at the same time. My beautiful sweet children - not so helpful. I was stressed, felt anxiety boiling up at the idea of being late to the very first soccer practice and I fell right back into old habits. Guess what? It felt terrible.
After rushing through dinner, hustling children into the car, mom yelling the whole time, I’m driving down the road and I can feel my heart beating faster, my hands gripping the steering wheel. I was STRESSED the F out.
Now, if you’ve been following my for awhile now, you’ve heard me say we can choose the way we want to feel. While that is true and it is really that simple, it is not easy. In the heat of the moment of those negative feeling emotions, it is not easy to shift the energy.
Here’s what I do know, though. I know what works ... for me. I only know this by trial and error and lots of practice! So, I turned on my Zen music from my meditation app. I turned up the volume and just drove. My kids were confused. I slowed my breathing. I reconnected with the sense of calm that I know from meditating or sitting in nature. The only reason I could do this was because I’ve practiced how I want to feel. Often and repeatedly.
After just a few minutes, I felt calmer. I turned off the music, tilted my rearview mirror down so I could see those sweet faces in the backseat and I said to them, “Your mama needs to chill out!”
Y’all. The look on my daughter’s face said it all. Her eyes got big, she lifted her eyebrows and looked out the window as if to say: Yeah, no kidding!
Then, I had the opportunity to use my failure as a teaching moment. I talked through why I was stressed out and admitted that I handled it poorly. Finally, I apologized.
Our kids don’t need perfect parents - thank God! They need us to lead by example and show them how to handle adversity. They need to feel safe and loved and secure. I can assure you that a yelling mom does not do that. But one that apologizes and explains that my anger is not their fault can help. Teaching them how to handle other people’s anger in a way that they don’t internalize that shit - what a life lesson.
So, I am still a work in progress, but I am getting closer each day to the kind of mom I want to be. How about you?
You spent how much? On What?
Can I just tell you about the first online course I signed up for? I felt batshit crazy, but I spent $550 to learn how to write and publish my book. I enrolled in Author School: Pen To Published. I couldn’t fathom spending that all at once, so I broke it out in the payment plan option, but here’s what happened. It started a chain reaction, once I did that one, I was led to another and then another. Now, I’m hooked. It’s my favorite way to learn.
Now, it’s no secret that I love books. I love to read them, I love to talk about them. I start book clubs, I belong to more than one at a time. Now, thanks to that very first online course, I can actually say I write books, too. Like for real, I love words, learning on my own and the ability to decide how quickly I consume new information. Binge the whole book in a single sitting? Sure, I’ve done that. Take weeks upon weeks to get through a tough read on an important topic? Yup, been there, too.
Here’s what I have learned about online courses, though. It’s like sitting down to have a conversation with the person who wrote the book on this new topic. I can listen to a first hand experience of someone who has done what I want to know how to do. Only, it’s the shorthand version. It’s the cliff notes of their collective knowledge, experience and advice. They always share what they wish they had known when they first started.
Online courses are all so different. Sometimes, it’s just audio, but most of the time they include videos. Sometimes, they are scheduled live trainings. There are usually actions suggested in the way of homework or next steps. They require you do DO something with what you’ve just learned. It’s the next best thing to hiring a coach to walk you through it one on one. Online courses are designed to get you to invest in yourself because here’s the deal. As soon as you say, “okay I’m going to pay this money to learn how to do this new thing", you are holding yourself accountable. This goal of yours becomes real and then you have less standing in your way.
Do you know how many people spend money on courses and never finish them? I find there are two reasons for this. One, some people get scared and listen to their limiting beliefs more than their desire, but more times than not, it wasn’t what was contained in the course that you need. It was the belief in yourself. The idea that you can take a step forward and take action toward your new goal is all some of us need to move the needle forward. Sometimes, just buying the course is all you need to to nudge you into doing the damn thing.
Dean. Graziosi says that only 9% of people finish online courses. Personally, I take that as a personal challenge. I have finished every one I’ve ever purchased. I have two I am currently making my way though, but mark my words, I will complete them both. And then I’ll buy another.
So the question is, what is your next online course? Perhaps, you are being called to one of mine like Chaos To Calm.
Beliefs are only thoughts you've repeated ...
Wednesday Wisdom ... passing along what I've learned. You have the power to create the life you want and you are only limited by your beliefs. Did you know a belief is only a thought that's been repeated?
Our minds are crazy powerful. It can completely limit you or open up the possibilities depending upon the quality of your thoughts. It’s important to determine what you’re doing more of. When faced with a challenge or new situation, what is your first response? I think it’s interesting when we make decisions based on something we believe to be true, but it’s nothing more than something we’ve said to ourselves long enough or heard often enough that now we actually think it’s true.
In a session the other day, I was working with a client on one of her limiting beliefs she didn’t realize was guiding her entire life. She was telling me about a recent trip to the ER with what she thought was appendicitis pain. She was describing this pain and her inability to understand why her body was hurting, but the ER doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with her.
“Sounds like your body is trying to get your attention,” I said to her. We kept digging into this idea and what could be going on. We discussed the acuteness of her pain, the tests the doctors ran, the inconclusive results. Then she says, “I am just a bad person.”
Her words struck me in that moments. It was so clear to me.
I’ve heard it said that the more aligned we are with our Inner Being and the more in alignment we are with God (one and the same, actually), the more bliss we feel. We can literally use our feelings as our guidance system. I have found this to be so true with myself and my clients time and time again.
When my client said she was a bad person and then described how much her body was in pain, it was so evident to me. I pointed out that there was nothing physically wrong with her and yet she was feeling real pain. The doctors ran every test they could and released her with no prescribed medicine to take or any recommendations for another doctor or specialist.
Put quite simply, her thoughts were hurting her. She has a belief that she is a bad person based on the things her roommates are telling her and her life experience, but she doesn’t actually believe it. She doesn’t actually think she is a bad person, but when she says those words out loud and when she thinks that, though, she feels pain. Her body was showing her what she hadn’t realized in her mood or emotions. She felt terrible. She has been feeling down for so long, she no longer registered her negative emotions as a sign that something was wrong. She was holding onto a belief so far removed from the way God sees her that it actually physically hurt her.
I believe our emotions can be an incredible guidance system, but when we ignore them for too long or numb them with vices, our bodies will step in and be the guidance system to get our attention. Ignore the emotions and feelings long enough and it will pop up as an ailment in your body. Oprah says if you ignore the whisper, you’ll get a nudge. If you ignore the nudge, you’ll get knocked over. I’m paraphrasing, of course, but the point is that your body will step into get your attention as a last resort.
When we dig into the things we believe, we can often find a repeated thought that we hold as truth when in fact, it has no basis of truth at all. In what way do you no longer question the thoughts you hold? In which ways is your body telling you something you’ve missed because you ignored the emotional clues?
Tap into the connection you have with God through prayer. Align with the universe and the source of all goodness in meditation and you will feel what I’m talking about. Pull away from that well-being and start to believe false statements and it will feel terrible. Go ahead - I dare you to pay attention. It’s fascinating.
“I can do hard things” kind of a day
I recently ventured back into the world that is online dating. One of the questions within this latest app is “If I could solve one world problem, what would it be?” My answer was simple: For mothers to never bury their children. It’s difficult when we look at social media today and all we see is death and hatred. So many “causes” to get behind that, at times, it seems overwhelming and impossible. I learned from Dean Graziosi that if you can determine what is the one problem you can solve that will fix so many other issues or concerns, it simplifies the complex. It is done by just by focusing on the One Big Thing. For me, if mothers really never had to bury their children, we would resolve so many of these complicated issues - police brutality, pediatric brain cancer, all cancer for that matter, racism, addiction and so many diseases.
Today, I stood by my friend who is burying her son. This day comes two years after she lost her daughter. She has outlived both of her children. She knows the horrendous heartache of addiction first hand. She has such strength and resolve for change that I can only imagine having the ability to muster. The Opiod Crisis in this country was intentionally created and it is oozing with greed and corruption. Addiction is a disease we don’t treat. Instead we criminalize it and abandon these families to private lives of despair. Today, when I signed his casket along with every other person there, I struggled to find the right words. I settled on: A life that’s been lived well is one that’s been LOVED. He was only 23.
I remember the first funeral I went to for a child. It gutted me. I was only 15 but the tiny casket was heartbreaking. I remember my mom said such strange things that day, the types of things the very religious often say: They are in a better place. They are with the Lord now. It felt so wrong and so removed from any place of genuine feeling. She has been at every funeral she’s ever been invited to. I never understood it but today I finally did. I can see the value of attending and how it benefits the people left behind, not the one who is gone. I was several years from becoming a mother myself at that first tiny person funeral, but I felt the pain of that loss that day. It was visceral and raw and wrong.
Nearly four years ago, I became friends with a mom who lost her son to DIPG. Our sons were friends and her loss was unimaginable, but helping my son grieve the loss of his friend was also unbearable. My heart hurt for my own child and I could only imagine the hurt she was feeling. Why do children get cancer? Why do moms have to bury their babies? She and I bonded over the closeness our boys shared. My first experience with depression came after this loss. It was a dark time and I struggled with my relationship with God so much. I took away from that experience the lessons of watching mothers be strong and courageous even when they have no desire to be. I learned about the type of dedication and tenacity that it takes to create a fundraising effort that makes a difference in the face of pediatric cancer research.
Thirteen years ago next month, one of my dearest friends lost her baby boy only 17 days after he was born to a dreadful disease, SMA. I wish I could say I was a better friend to her when she was in the murky grief filled early days, but I hope I’ve made up for it in every conversation we’ve had since that was filled with tears and so much love. I may not have been by her side as she laid his tiny body to rest, but I know of her pain and the heartache that came from losing her infant. We have spent many of the past 13 years discussing the aftermath of what is a mother trying to find her way to living again after she loses her child.
I just come back to the unjustness of it all. Whether it’s due to disease or addiction or hatred. The countless number of mothers who have buried their black sons in America is alarming. Black Lives Matter and police brutality may be widely debated and discussed, but it just breaks my heart. The more I shut up and listen, the more I learn about how deep-seated hatred runs through the veins of this country. It just puts on a different hat and we call it something else as the years progress. Racism is an ugly truth that still exists and it’s taking babies from their mamas. How can anyone stand to justify any action that results in a mother losing her child?
Today, as I stood by watching yet another friend say goodbye to her child, I just come back to: It’s just not fair. And even though no one ever told me life was supposed to be fair, this type of loss feels just plain wrong. On these hard days, I like to focus on what I have control over. What can I possibly do to help? Where is my choice in this human existence that includes so much pain?
I can choose love. I can do hard things because my friends need me. Today, I just hugged my friend and stood there beside her with no words. I can love on my friends when they most need it. I can do my best to be a light in a world that feels so very dark at times. One of my favorite quotes serves as an excellent reminder here.
“At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.”
I hope at the end of my life, my legacy is a room filled with those who say I made them feel loved.
Kids understand Death better than Divorce
I’ve heard it said that kids understand death better than they understand divorce. Those words have really helped me when it came to guiding my own children through both types of loss. In those moments when they have each struggled with the impact of either, it really helped me to know where they needed more explanation or more understanding from me. Let me tell you, I’ve had my share of wading through death and divorces with my four children in my 26 years of parenting.
My son woke up this morning in the aftermath of two bad dreams. As we do most mornings, I listen as they share with me the good, bad or indifferent that was filling their minds the night before in their dreamworld. So this morning, he’s sharing with me one of his two dreams. He had taken his snake to school because they were learning about the way animals eat. He put Scarlett (his beloved pet) back in her terrarium and she was sitting on his desk, safe and sound. He left the classroom to go to the bathroom and when he returned, she was gone. Someone had stolen his snake and no one knew where she was. He ran out of the classroom chasing after the person he took her with his machete in hand, breaking down doors. It wasn’t until he got out of the school that he saw them driving away.
Y’all, when I tell you that this kid loves his snake, I just don’t do his infatuation justice. It was BY FAR the best pet I could have ever gotten for him. He takes care of her and truly cares for this reptile like nothing before. He feeds her, cleans her cage and spends time with her giggling and talking as if she’s a person. She belongs to just him and he adores her. Just last night, he was asking about where he could go to college so that he can take her with him. Now, I know all about the dreams of children and how they fade in the years between preteen and college years, but for now, it’s so sweet. So, we daydream about how great it will be when he packs up this snake to take her with him into his future dorm. I do realize that she will be with me for most, if not all of those years of learning and I accepted that the day I agreed to let him have a snake, but I digress.
I’ve shared before that I interpret my dreams and my kids have begun asking me to do the same for theirs. When I look up this particular dream in DreamMoods, I don’t look up snake because I know to my son, she’s not something to be feared. Seeing a snake in dreams for most people is a source of fear or alarm, but a stolen snake in this dream was about the act of his pet being taken from him, so I look up Stealing and this is what I see:
When I read those words to my son, he says, “Oh, that makes sense.” It didn’t yet to me, so I say, “Really? How’s that?”, to which he replies, “Because today is Brock’s birthday.” Today, Brock Fleming would have been 11 years old.
For those of you who may not know about Brock, he was my son’s best friend from Kindergarten to 2nd grade. They actually met in preschool when my son was the new kid and when they were in the same kindergarten class, the familiar face made a new school so much easier for them both. They may or may not still be best friends today, but we will never know because Brock died when he was 7 years old from DIPG, a “rare” from of brain cancer that no one survives. My son knows death so deeply and that loss is so personal to him. When my well-meaning friends told me 3.5 years ago that he didn’t really understand what happened, I corrected them then and I’ll tell you now. Oh, he understands death. He knows exactly what that meant to learn that his friend had died. “They didn’t find a cure?” Those were his words that day and now, almost four years later, he still feels that loss so acutely and so deeply that it surfaces in his dreams.
Now, understanding why his parents get along now and why were are divorced? That makes no sense to him. THAT he doesn’t understand. He dreams up ideas about us all living together again because our successful coparenting after our divorce is a struggle to comprehend. Death, though, my kid gets that and it sucks. He misses his friend every day and the big days are always a bit harder. So, today, we will honor his friend by doing small acts of kindness and passing out cards to do our part to build awareness about DIPG. I would encourage you to do the same. You can print off your own card here.
DIPG Facts:
DIPG is a type of pediatric brain cancer found in the brain stem.
0% Survival Rate - there is currently no cure for DIPG.
Average age of diagnosis is 6 to 8 years old.
Average lifespan after diagnosis is 6 to 8 months.
Less than 1% of all federal cancer funding targets pediatric brain cancer.
If you would like to help us honor Brock, please consider donating to the The Cure Starts Now. Happy Heavenly Birthday, Brock. We love you!
Leave the world prettier than you found it ...
We can come from nothing. We can be born into an ugly world and we can leave it better than we found it - but not by playing small.
There is a lesson I have learned time and time again, but it always leaving me feeling inspired and encouraged and in complete control. Don’t get me wrong, in the moment, it does not feel that way. In hindsight, though, that’s where it makes sense.
“I am not defined by my circumstances.”
When I found myself pregnant as a senior in high school, I was faced with a choice. You know the one that’s wildly debated in this country and will be polarizing and divisive even if discussed over wine with your girlfriends. What I understand now about that moment in my life has little to do with the choice that was made, though. It was the realization that we are not defined by our circumstances or where we come from. In many ways, I was a statistic, seen as nothing more than a teen pregnancy. I could have let that define me. Many do. I believed and still do to this day, that becoming a young mom would not limit me or my potential. Maybe I had to work harder, felt as if I had more to prove, but I was not going to be held to a different standard or expect less of myself because I was a baby raising a baby.
When I was a single mom, living alone for the first time in my life at 26 with my two small children, I could have believed the stories we all hear about single moms. I could have bought into the idea that it’s a life of struggling to pay your bills or that I couldn’t afford vacations. I could have believed this notion that I shouldn’t be happy because I needed to struggle and sacrifice and be the martyr for their happy childhood.
When I found myself divorced for the third time, just before my 40th birthday, my world felt like it was shattering all around me. I was working at a new company surrounded by YOUNG people just starting their careers when I was coming off a year at home with my fourth baby. I was familiar with all the ways I had played the part of a divorced, single mom hating her ex husband. I knew what it was like to carry hatred and fear with me day in and day out while putting on the brave, happy face for my children. I could have bought into that story about what it means to be a divorced mom, but here I was, once more, being given the chance to not be defined by my circumstances.
So you can become successful despite being pregnant as a teenager. You can work in corporate America, feeling as if you’re selling your soul in the name of sacrifice for your family for nearly two decades before you give yourself permission to branch out on your own. You can build a company from scratch in your 40s. You can earn more money than you ever dreamed possible after living a life of struggle. You can become happier than you’ve ever been even if you spend the first half of your life struggling just to survive. You can learn to coparent well, even if you’ve gotten it really, really wrong till now.
You have the choice to define your own story. Your happiness is within your control. You do have the power to define your future, even if you don’t know how it’s possible. If you need help, find it. We are living in the information age. There are no excuses to not know what you don’t know. How will you leave the world a better place than you found it? Not by playing small, that’s for sure.
When you’re ready to take that next big leap, let’s chat!
Self Care at a time like this?
Self care is not a luxury only afforded to the most privileged. It’s a necessity for every human being on the planet. Self care doesn’t require any particular resources other than listening to you own heart. Why does one version of self care seem indulgent and another seems impossible, but we tend to ignore what we really need?
We all seek to be understood - to be truly seen and heard. We all want to feel supported, respected and loved. What most don’t realize is we can provide that feeling for ourselves. We can create the emotions we want, we can create the feelings we desire. A simple way to do that is through self care. Often, it is the way we learn to love ourselves. With that knowledge, we are better prepared to love others and give to those around us.
If we look to our love languages, it will open the door to the type of self care that will most impactful. In what ways do you feel most loved? If you have no idea, take this quiz here to discover what your your love language is. Is it Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, or Physical Touch? Is it Acts of Service or Gifts? It’s likely not just one, but a combination unique to you. It’s so enlightening to become self aware to this level. You’ll be able to see how it’s impacted your relationships and how you engage with the world around you. It can be just the insight you need to know what type of self care will provide what you need the most - especially in times of strife.
Ask yourself: What feeds my soul? How do I strengthen my mind? How do I fuel my body? When you dive into these questions and uncover the answers you’ll find the path to the perfect self care for you. For one person, it may be getting lost in a book and taking time to read quietly. For another person, it might be exercise and feeling physical. For someone else, it might be spending time with loved ones. For the next person, it might some retail therapy. That can be spending time shopping for others or yourself. There’s no wrong or right way to “do” self care. The feeling it generates is what matters. Your state of mind and how prepared you feel to face your life is the key.
In times of uncertainty and unrest or when fears and anxiety are at an all-time high, that’s when self care matters SO MUCH. Taking care of yourself feeds your spirit. It fuels your strength. It lets you lead from a place of love and compassion. A well rested mind is clear and sharp. An educated mind is more powerful. A cared for body will take you further.
To the weak and tired, your inner being is calling you to rest. Let those who feel stronger lead for a bit. To those feeling helpless, feed your mind and strengthen your resolve with information and knowledge. To those who are scared and feel fear taking over, retreat and build your sense of security through self care that feels safe. To those who are feeling strong but angry, tend to you heart. Lead from a place of duty, responsibility and power, but do so with love and compassion.
We all have the power to change the world, but each in a variety of ways. Our skills and strengths are different. We are unique and beautiful individuals. We are all so different. Why should our self care be the same? The way we care for ourselves doesn’t matter as much as being sure that we do. It allows us to show up as our best selves in a world that so desperately needs us to do just that.
White People Staying Silent are Part of the Problem
“If you are silent right now, as you continue to witness human life being
taken by those who are sworn to "serve and protect”…
If you are neutral in situations of injustice,
you have chosen the side of the oppressor.
Until those who are unaffected are as outraged
as those who are, justice will not be served.
If your response is "I see no color",
instead of "I am aware of my privilege.
I'm doing my best to understand how to address this."
I wrote an entire blog post in response to those things I’ve heard and read, but then I read KatyKatiKate’s post. And wow. She was right. What I had written was all about me. How I’m not one of those silent white women.
So what can we do? Here is a summary of what she shared. Say: I’m sorry or I see you or That’s awful.
Doesn’t feel sufficient, does it? That’s because it isn’t.
She concludes her post to say:
There’s only one way to respond.
Watch. Read. Listen. Learn. Let it chill you.
Do not respond instinctively, but do not turn away.
It’s not about you, but you must be here to experience it.
You’re not the martyr, nor an innocent, nor the hero, nor the teacher.
You’re a witness. It’s not about you, but you must be present.
Do not respond like you always have. Not yet. Absorb it. Let it change you.
When I admit just how appalled I am that George Floyd was choked to death by a police officer kneeling on his throat, it’s as if I’m saying I haven’t seen that this sort of thing has been happening for years. Forever. Always. That’s the thing. I haven’t. I still can’t bring myself to watch the video. Knowing about what happened to him is enough. I don’t have to watch him die to know that he should still be here and that he was murdered. I don’t have to see the video with my own eyes to know his family mourns their loss with a certain amount of “here we are again” that I have the audacity to be shocked by.
When I learned that moms are raising their black sons differently than I am raising mine, it was surprising. The fact that parents are teaching their black sons how to walk down the street and make other people more comfortable is just not right. The fact that they are specifically sitting down to have “the talk” and my realizing it has nothing to do with sex, but rather are teaching their sons how to interact with police not if, but when they are stopped for doing nothing wrong. Parents are having these conversations with their babies. Small little boys from such a young age are being taught how to simply survive with dark skin in 2020. This makes my heart break for them and their mamas. It makes me feel … helpless. But what about them?
I’m American. That’s it. No culture to speak of. No heritage to celebrate. But I’ve had privilege that allowed me to walk into any store, walk down any street and interact with any person and no one is scared of me. No one feels threatened by me. I’ve only been pulled over by the police when I was actually breaking the law - speeding, expired registration, running a stop sign. You know what happens 90% of the time? I get a warning. White girls who smile pretty and are polite are let go with a warning. I don’t have to get out of my car. I’m not handcuffed. I’m not shoved face down onto the hood of my car. I can reach in my glove box without having to say what I’m doing first. The police officer won’t pull his gun when I reach in my purse for my ID.
I also have had the extreme white privilege of not seeing injustice right in front of me for my entire life. I’ve never seen another person so much as being yelled at for being gay or black or muslim. I’ve never seen people physically attacked and chosen to look the other way. I’ve never known anyone to have their house or car damaged by another person just because of their skin color or their religious beliefs. I’ve never been in the car with any of my black friends and seen any of these things happen to them. But to believe that it’s not still happening is just ignorance on my part.
The people I know who have darker skin than mine are treated differently, though. They have dealt with microaggressions their entire lives. People touch their hair. Strangers invade their space and don’t treat them equally. Small town white women call security when my black friend shows up to lead his training in their building. I thought this was the level of racism we were dealing with in 2020. I believed it was just about the rude, insensitive comments people say out of ignorance or not having equal opportunity at the same job. I believed my part was to help educate my white friends on what not to say. Now, I know it is so much more than that.
“Racism is not getting worse, it’s getting filmed.”
It’s not enough to just say their names.
Know their stories … it’s a start.
George Floyd - Minneapolis, MN - 2020
Trayvon Martin - Miami Gardens, FL - 2012
Breonna Taylor - Louisville, KY - 2020
Ahmaud Arbery - Glynn County, GA - 2020
Tamir Rice - Clevelend, OH - 2014
Oscar Grant - Oakland, CA - 2009
Eric Garner - Staten Island, NY - 2014
Philando Castile - St Anthony, MN - 2016
Samuel Dubose - Cincinnati, OH - 2015
Sandra Bland - Waller County, Texas - 2015
Walter Scott - North Charleston, SC - 2015
Terrence Crutcher - Tulsa, OK - 2016
Regis Korchinski - Toronto, Canada - 2020
Tony McDade - Tallahassee, FL - 2020
Coming to realization that this HAS ALWAYS HAPPENED is appalling. It is awful and it leaves me speechless, feeling helpless and yet wanting to do my part to change it. Just when I’m about to make a post, write a blog post or speak out publicly in any way, I see another account of how my gut response is incorrect. Or not enough. Or unwelcome. So I don’t. I walk away and say nothing. At least I did before.
Here I am a white girl from Texas saying
I am listening, I am learning, I’m speaking up, I’ll get it wrong, but I want to do my part.
When I truly start to listen and learn, I’m quickly overwhelmed. How much can one person do to change something so big? Where does it end? Black Lives DO Matter. LBGQT deserve the same rights as anyone else. Women should be treated equally as men. Petitions to sign. Go Fund Me accounts to donate toward. Legislators to call. This world of ours is a big fucking hot mess. And it does make me want to hide away in the safety of my white privilege and ignore it all. Only, what right do I have to do that when so many others don’t have that choice?
I wish I had written these words, but Edward Sparks did:
While I was taught equality, I hope to be able to teach my children to identify inequality, to speak against it, to vote against it, to take a stand with those affected, to pass on to their children what is right.
For me, a divorced mama trying to make a difference in the world, my influence has always felt small. I can raise my four babies in a way that they seek out inequality and stand up for the bullied, the oppressed and ones in need. And they do. All four of my children are vocal and compassionate. They step in, speak up and protect their friends. They care about people they don’t know. They see differences and celebrate it all: skin color, religious views or sexual preferences and gender identities.
My legacy in a small way has only ever been to leave the world a better place than I found it. For years that felt like that only meant I would create four new lives who don’t see the world the same way I was raised to see it. I broke generational curses. All that bullshit I was born into slowed with me. I learned to do better and I taught to be better. My children will go on to do even better than I have, but I’m not finished yet.
Together, we can all make a difference. We can make this world a better place and it starts with me and you.
If you want to know what you can do, here’s a helpful resource.
Maybe you can start here ….
Films and TV series to watch:
13th (Ava DuVernay) — Netflix
American Son (Kenny Leon) — Netflix
Black Power Mixtape: 1967-1975 — Available to rent
Clemency (Chinonye Chukwu) — Available to rent
Dear White People (Justin Simien) — Netflix
Fruitvale Station (Ryan Coogler) — Available to rent
I Am Not Your Negro (James Baldwin doc) — Available to rent or on Kanopy
If Beale Street Could Talk (Barry Jenkins) — Hulu
Just Mercy (Destin Daniel Cretton) — Available to rent
King In The Wilderness — HBO
See You Yesterday (Stefon Bristol) — Netflix
Selma (Ava DuVernay) — Available to rent
The Black Panthers: Vanguard of the Revolution — Available to rent
The Hate U Give (George Tillman Jr.) — Hulu with Cinemax
When They See Us (Ava DuVernay) — Netflix
Organizations to follow on social media:
Antiracism Center: Twitter
Equal Justice Initiative (EJI): Twitter | Instagram | Facebook
The Leadership Conference on Civil & Human Rights: Twitter | Instagram | Facebook
National Domestic Workers Alliance: Twitter | Instagram | Facebook
Showing Up for Racial Justice (SURJ): Twitter | Instagram | Facebook
3 steps: from Overwhelmed to "I Got This"
If you’re anything like me, these days are filled with all sorts of “WTH is happening exactly?” I am finding myself in familiar territory of feeling overwhelmed with my to do list and I don’t like it one bit. I am now attempting to coordinate kids’ learning at home, while I work and we are all going stir crazy because we have been home for weeks. I thought I might take a few minutes to share my top three steps for going from Overwhelmed to “I got this” in less than 20 minutes. I’m a huge fan of taking a complex idea and making it simple. My 3 Step process is pretty easy: Take a step back, Look at the big picture and take bite size pieces.
Step 1
First thing’s first. When I’m feeling overwhelmed and most recently when my poor 5th grader was feeling super stressed by looking at his week one lessons for learning at home, I am a huge fan of walking away. Take a break. Go get a snack, play a game, read a book or take a walk. It’s really helpful for my kid to get outside. Fresh air does this boy all sorts of good. This is just a quick breather, not permission to procrastinate for hours, to reset your energy and stop the momentum of negative stressed out energy. Do something that brings you peace, makes you feel calm and lets you forget for 10 minutes what is feeling so huge.
Step 2
After your brief pause, you can come back and reassess the situation. It’s usually easier to process with a clear mind. I like to come back and start with my overall goal. What am I looking to accomplish exactly? Big picture, not the details of how to get it done. This week, my kids need to learn the new process of learning at home and get used to the new tools. They do not need to get it done perfectly. They are not even being graded on these assignments yet. It always helps me when I can simplify what actually needs to get done. Usually through this process I realize I was making the situation seem more dire or bigger than it actually was.
Step 3
Last, once I’ve reclaimed the original vision for success, I am able to break things down into palatable next tasks. One step at a time. Tiny steps are always easier to approach than the full 100 steps in the process. When looking at the week’s lessons was overwhelming for my son, seeing his work broken out into individual days was easier. I printed out work and put it in individual folders for him to only look at today’s assignments and not worry about tomorrow or the rest of the week. It worked like a charm!
I’m a huge fan of taking the complex and making it simple. At times, this can be perceived as oversimplifying, but this 3 step process has worked for me for years. When I am overwhelmed, I walk away. When I come back to look at the big picture, I keep it high level. Remember what the actual goal is instead of getting lost in the details. Last, I can only do one thing at a time. What’s my next best move? What one thing can I do to get one step closer to the end goal. It always, always works for me. I’m so grateful for this knowledge. It’s helping me navigate some really weird days.
Dreams ... but what do they mean?
Do you ever wake up from a dream and wonder WTF was THAT?!? I don’t actually remember many of my dreams, but when I do, this is usually my reaction. Over the years, I’ve become more and more fascinated with dreams and their interpretations. I started using DreamMoods.com as a reference so long ago, I don’t even remember how I stumbled across it, but I always relieved after doing a quick lookup on this site. There’s quite a bit of reassurance that comes from seeing what is listed under Common Dreams. Like - enough people have had this Losing Their Teeth dream that it’s common? Yep. Pretty interesting, actually.
Teeth Falling Out: Dreams of falling or crumbling teeth are the most common dreams that Dream Moods receives. The typical dream scenarios include having your teeth crumble in your hands, fall out one by one with just a light tap, grow crooked or start to rot. Such dreams are not only horrifying and shocking, but they often leave you with a lasting image throughout the day. So what does it mean? Read More Here
Just recently, I had an old friend reach out to me after what had been quite a long time. He and I had a romantic relationship and we had parted ways, but we still keep in touch to some degree. He says to me “So I had this messed up dream about you last night”. I’m instantly sucked in. Tell me more. Right? The details of the dream aren’t important, believe it or not. I’ve come to realize that the dream is rarely about that thing. It’s what it represents that is insightful. So I pop over to Dream Moods and do a quick review. I text back with “Sounds like you’re working through some difficult emotions. Have you met someone new?” Imagine how surprised he was. His response: “Holy Shit. Yes I have actually.” Crazy right?
My kids now tell me about their dreams in the morning and they ask “Hey Mama, can you look it up to see what it means?” My son was having some trouble in school, you know back when they were actually allowed to go to school. We had a family meeting about it. His dad came over and we sat down at the kitchen table to discuss the new family rules and the natural consequences to his choices. You know, blah, blah, coparenting stuff. The very next morning, my son comes to me clearly upset by a dream he had. He said he was super sad about his bad dream because both me and his dad were dying or had died.
If you read the conclusion of death dreams in general, it says: Your dream of death should usually not be taken literally. Look at the dream death as symbolic of something in your waking life that is changing or ending. But to take it a step further, it says: In particular, to dream about the death of your living parents indicates that you are undergoing a significant change in your waking life. Your relationship with your parents has evolved into a new realm.
So, imagine how relieved he was when I explained that he was moving into a new relationship with his parents because we are now giving him more responsibility when it comes to school. We trust him to make his own choices and that his dream was just telling him that it’s really kind of a big deal and a little bit scary.
All in all, I find it fascinating and thought I’d give you a little something else to think about and something new to read that doesn’t have anything to do with this pandemic. If you happen to uncover some issues from your dreams that you can’t quite get a handle on by yourself, perhaps we should be working together. Check it out to see if you are a good fit for my Private Coaching Program.
Do you homeschool?
The internet is filled with homeschool memes, lists of online resources and accolades for teachers as parents everywhere are bracing for what it might mean to have our children home not just for these next two weeks, but possibly for the remainder of the school year. Let me be the first to tell you - I am no teacher. Now, I easily teach what I know. I share wisdom and I coach, but teacher to a 1st and 5th grader? No way. The idea of homeschooling my children is equal parts terrifying and denial that this may be in my future.
Last week was Spring Break for us and we stayed home. We played, slept in and watched movies. We celebrated our sweet girl’s 7th birthday at home. Now I’m facing the next two weeks and it’s sinking in a bit that we will all go crazy if we spend the next two weeks repeating the last.
Another thing about me that you may have picked up about me is that I don’t shy away from a challenge. So, today, I feel like I’m taking a deep breath, pulling on my big girl pants and thinking about what the next few weeks should look like. I like to approach any new challenge by setting some intentions and creating realistic and stretch goals. Now, here’s the thing. My kids are already missing school and ready to go back. Even my 5th grade boy who HATES school asked today when he “gets” to go back. They want to see their friends. My daughter doesn’t really understand why no one could come to her birthday party. Now their mom is their teacher, too?! Stop it right now.
My goal is to keep my kids learning some new things and to keep them from falling behind like they do every summer. Also, my son hates math and they are both really strong readers so I’m going to use their strengths and accommodate their weaknesses for a low stress approach. This new life of ours is presenting us all with some new challenges and I, for one, plan to incorporate some fun ways to learn some new things and practice things they already know mostly as a way to give them something to do other than play video games for days on end. If they could take some imaginary test to pass 1st and 5th grade by the end of May and pass - bonus. Newsflash - no one is expecting that!
So, I have a basic plan of attack that will leave lots of room for flexibility and keep their brains from turning to mush from too much Roblox, Minecraft of Apex. We will create a basic schedule for our day, but I will put the control in my kids hands. Much like I do during the summer, I will give them each some basic things to accomplish each day before they earn screen time. They can take as long as they need to or zip through their list, but they get to choose, to a certain extent, how long it takes them to complete their “work”.
In addition to some self led activities like reading and writing, I will be more hands on with some other activities. I’m also going to read when they are reading. I will create a “field trip” each week, which toward the end may only be to the back yard, but we will get outside every day, create some art and learn some new things. Also, they will have some fun and get a chance to just relax and play in what is a really weird time.
My ideas thus far:
Reading - an hour every day - we will also read a new book together as a group
Writing - 15 minutes - they will write in a journal every morning and I’ll give them a new prompt every day
Math - Honestly, we may do flash cards or play math games online - Lord help me with this one, but I don’t see math worksheets in our future.
Science - we may incorporate a science experiment or YouTube videos or documentaries
Social Studies - same approach as science
Gym/PE - 30 min to 1 hour - walk the dogs, soccer drills, hockey drills, dance party, or yoga with mom
Art - create something pretty every day (draw, color, paint, sidewalk chalk, sew with mom, paint a bathroom, etc.
Music - research possible band instruments, listen to new genres, music trivia
Weekly Field Trip - week one - Trip to take pictures in the bluebonnets. Next few weeks, these maybe field trips to the back yard or virtual field trips to museums or different countries
Ask me on Friday how it’s going, but our theme for week one is SPRING. I’ll try to choose a different theme each week to help springboard ideas for each of these subjects. Again, my goal is mostly to entertain them and keep them using their brains. I am not trying to be a fill in teacher for these trained professionals. I have some lofty goals for myself, but full on homeschooling my kids is not one of them. How about you?
In a Funk?
Many of you may not know that I experienced depression for the first time a few years ago. It was a dark time that was incredibly eye opening, but also one that I don’t tend to talk a lot about. It isn’t that I am ashamed or want to keep it hidden as much as I very intentionally try to avoid slipping back into that funk, as I call it. Even in the darkest of those days, I would say to my friends, “I’m just in a funk today” when, in fact, I was having suicidal thoughts and it was super fucking scary. Depression to me is all shades of grey. It affects different people in all sorts of ways - from the subtle to the extreme. It’s not black or white, but to me, it very much feels like a slippery slope. Some days, it’s almost as if I feel like I’m walking along a muddy hillside that at any moment, I can lose my footing and be caught up in the mudslide that is depression. Dark and murky, slippery and full of fear.
In my constant ability to minimize my own experiences, I always feel the need to say, “but mine wasn’t that bad”. The truth of the matter is it only lasted a few months, I did not need medication and talk therapy was enough to pull me out. It was, as I learned, situational and happened in a time in my life that I was processing grief, guiding my then 7 year old through his own grief and knowingly losing my job. I credit my amazing therapist for knowing me well enough and having the immense knowledge and experience needed to keep me going.
I will never forget leaving the office of said therapist after a really great session. I was feeling hopeful and felt fairly confident in my ability to work my plan. I’m sitting in my car, waiting to pull out onto the street, just waiting for the break in traffic when in an instant I thought: What if I just pull out in front of all these cars? It was a brief flash of a thought where I was just tired and done. In the very next moment, I was telling myself that my small children still needed me, but it was startling. How quickly the sad, lost and dark feelings could just come swimming back into my mind and alter my beliefs.
So, today, I’m better at recognizing the signs and I can feel when I’m being pulled underwater before it actually happens. I get in front of it and on those days when I wake up “in a funk”, I know there are three ways I can help swim back to the top and stay afloat. It’s all centered around my body, my mind and my spirit. If one is out of balance, I feel it. It’s either physical pain or emotional upsets or just that unsettling and familiar feeling of that tiny bit of depression settling in. Regardless of how it shows up, I know to check all three. So whether you are just feeling a little out of it or relate to my description of depression, maybe these will help you, as well.
Step One - Feed My Body.
When I feel in a funk, I have to ask myself, Have you been exercising? You’ll remember that part where I hate to workout, so this is my first step. I know I feel better when I’m active. I know I have more energy and my thoughts tend to be more positive when my body feels strong. Even if it’s a quick walk around the block, moving my body is a huge component to making sure I’m feeding my body appropriately. Next I look at what I’m literally putting into my body. When I feel like shit, it’s usually because I’m not taking care of myself. Eating too much junk, drinking too many cocktails, and not drinking enough water will all take its toll. Also, how well am I really sleeping? Sleep is a fundamental need of mine. I sleep ALOT and when I’m not taking care of my body, I’m regularly waking up at 4am with insomnia. It’s my sure fire way I know something is off.
Step Two - Nourish My Mind
This one seems less intuitive, but I know that I’m forever a student. I love to learn find new ways to grow. When I’m feeling in a funk, I listen to a podcast, I sign up for a new course or I read a book. In whatever way I can fill my mind, it helps to reframe my thoughts, distract me from the current mood and it also gives me something to complete. I get to learn from someone who is doing great things. I can emulate a leader in the self help arena. When I start something new, it implies it will take time to finish. It keeps me moving forward and it gives me a reason to wake up tomorrow. A few of my favorites:
On Purpose -Jay Shetty Podcast & Instagram
Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations - Podcast
Don’t Keep Your Day Job with Cathy Heller - Podcast & FB Group
Vibe Higher Podcast with Taylor Stone
Step Three - Soothe my Soul
When I’m feeling out of sorts, it helps me to process those feelings and emotions. Even if I’ve just woken up on the wrong side of the bed and I’m feeling grouchy, when I take time to journal, it helps me analyze what’s going on in my world to cause the feelings. Meditation and visualization are also ways to connect back to my inner being, to find my center and consciously choose how I want to feel that day. I have made journaling, meditation and exercise (most days) a part of my daily morning routine. It helps to keep me focused on maintaining the balance of my physical, spiritual and mental health. It’s my way to proactively get myself on the right foot before the day gets away from me. Usually, when I feel old feelings starting to surface, one of these is out of balance.
While my experience with depression is unique to me and I do feel this focus on the three pillars of balance can be helpful to everyone regardless of your specific shade of grey, I would be remiss if I went without saying this. If you are struggling with depression, please get help. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) or your therapist - today. It is imperative that you get help and I know it is embarrassing. You do not have to suffer alone and you are suffering. You are not weak. You are loved and wanted and needed. There are people who can walk this path to healing with you and you are worthy of it all. You do matter. I am sending so much love and healing energy to each and every one of you who read these words.
What's your story?
When I met my ex- husband so many years ago, he rolls up next to me and says, “What’s your story?”, which makes me laugh every time I hear it now. He was, of course, aiming to be charming and funny, but this question applies so beautifully to what I have not shared thus far in this blog. What’s my story? I’ve alluded to bits and pieces over the years, here and there in posts, but usually I divulge only the parts of my story that seem to apply to the conversation at the moment or even the pieces of my past that may be received the best. You know, the least embarrassing stuff.
The truth of it all is that my story is much like many others and very different than so many others. It’s unique to me, yet not unique at all. But what I can tell you is this. My story is one of perfecting the ability to Start Over. Do you know what I love about divorce? Absolutely nothing. It’s horrendous even with all its opportunity for learning. But what comes after divorce … that phase of life where you start again? The Do Over and second change - That’s my jam. That’s the theme of my story. Again and again, when life throws me a curve ball and knocks me down, I get up, reframe, learn something more and start again.
So, I had a difficult childhood. I’m not alone in suffering trauma at a young age, but I do recall a very specific memory from when I was a little girl that stuck with me my entire life. I was crying in the backseat, being reprimanded and punished .. again … with smoke circling the air inside the closed windows of our car that my dad was driving way too fast. Usually the windows were down due to our not having air conditioning in any of our cars. My dad loved classic cars and we had no money, so he bought cars for cheap, got them running again, but AC was never a priority. I remember staring out the window, tears rolling down my cheek and seeing the eyes of strangers in cars we past and thought to myself, “I am meant for more than this.” I knew down to the core of my being that I did not belong where I was made to feel small and where I was constantly told what I was doing wrong. I knew I was meant for more than a life of crying and being scared.
In hindsight, some of that memory is me being dramatic about being a child who got in trouble. Some of that was completely valid. I also know that my parents, while flawed, did the very best they knew how to do, but they did not have the tools needed to do better. As Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.” They simply did not know any better.
What I take away from that story, though, is that I always knew I was meant for more. I always knew how I wanted to feel and I knew I would live a great life. I knew even at a young age, somehow, that I had the power to make things different. That knowing did not come from me. I believe as children, we are closer to God and our instincts are right. Somewhere along the way, the people we love and society convince us that those beliefs are wrong. I may not have known how it was going happen back then and I may have been lost for years, but I found my way. I can help you do the same.
Pretty stereotypically of poor white families with no education, I ended up pregnant in high school. I had big plans to be the first in my immediate family to go to college and live in a dorm. I was accepted to my last choice and was yet I was still looking forward to that new life - outside of my mother’s home. Then, BOOM. Positive pregnancy test in my senior year of high school and my world turned upside down. Suddenly, college seemed impossible. I felt stuck and helpless. Making the CHOICE to have my daughter was the bravest thing I had ever done. Choosing to raise her differently than I was raised meant I was out of my league and had no idea HOW to do that. Just like my parents, I didn’t have the tools, but I decided that I would do right by her and give her everything I never had. So I read books. I made friends with people who also had children, which was tough as an 18 year old. I imitated those that were doing it well. I learned by example and got all sorts of shit wrong. Ask my daughter. She can attest to my failures, but she will be the first to tell you that I broke that cycle.
I’ll fast forward through the middle of the story where I get married, plan my own wedding for $2k, we have another baby, my husband gets cancer & recovers, we get divorced, I get married again, divorced again, then married again, have two more babies. Really, the details aren’t super interesting, but with each divorce is an opportunity to begin again. Each wedding is another chance that THIS marriage that will work. Third time is the charm, right?
Well, here I am divorced for the last time and I started over, again. This time, though, I quit looking at it like I failed. I have so much knowledge now! I took an honest look at my responsibility in those 3 relationships and I can tell you now what I did to contribute to the successes and failures in each of those marriages. It always takes two. I did my part to try to make it work and I did my part to contribute to each one ending. Had I done that work sooner, I would have made different choices and I would have been a better partner the second or third time around. BUT … I would not have this vast experience needed to guide women through every type of divorce that exists - the one you chose, the one you didn’t and the “easy” one and the World War 3 version.
The part of my story that I think gets interesting again is the part where I am again a single mom working in Corporate America. I have purchased my own home for the second time in my life and I’m doing it! I am juggling this single mom life like a boss. I am running myself ragged, but I’m getting it all done. I am drinking way too much wine and I’m not sleeping well at all, but I hire help to do what I can’t do myself. I’m still learning and growing and completely shut off from the idea of having a romantic relationship again. Then, I get let go from my job. The one I wasn’t happy and fulfilled in and the reason I was already looking for another job.
“This is okay,” I think. I will jump back on the horse and find another job. That I do at a company that was not a great fit from the beginning. I suffer for 6 months working more hours per day in an office then I have in years. My kids are at a daycare they hate. We were never home and this home was costing me a small fortune. The work environment did not inspire me or motivate me to do my best work. I was becoming physically ill. Then, the president of the company calls me in to tell me “this just isn’t working out”. I wholeheartedly agreed, but I was still shocked and terrified. I had been looking for 4 of those 6 months for another job and not finding anything else.
I spent the next year soul searching and really doing the work to figure out what I was meant to do. I had spent 20 years in corporate America and did not love the work. I knew I was meant for more. All of a sudden, I was a little girl in the backseat of my father’s car and I knew … if not now, when? So here I am, nearly 2 years later. I’ve written my first novel and I’m writing my second book. I’ll be publishing my self help book early this year and I get to work with women from all walks of life who need a gentle nudge to make it through this “post divorce” slump to start again. Talk about being fulfilled by my work and getting to help people. My ex-husband and I are successfully coparenting our children so well that people tell me that we are “the weirdest divorced couple” they know. I pick up my kids from school every day and I have the flexibility and freedom I spent years praying for. I sleep until my alarm every morning now instead of waking up at 4am with insomnia that lasted until it was time to get up. I’ve broken up with wine. We still hang out occasionally but in a much healthier way. I was made for this life and I want to share all that I’ve learned. It took me decades. Let me give you my cliff notes.
Regardless of the circumstance, what you can be sure of is that when I am knocked down, I will rise again and I will be even better and stronger than before. My story is one of starting over, again and again. Starting over is what I do and I do it well.
Top 3 Tips for Actually Reaching Your Goals
If you’re anything like me, you likely set some crazy ass goals for yourself, then about 2 step in, you have some serious doubts, question your decision making skills and want to give up. I also happen to be the Queen of Procrastination. I do think of it as one of my super human skills. Still trying to figure out how it’s benefiting me, though! Over the years, I’ve discovered 3 ways to keep me motivated and to push through those moments of self sabotage. My method centers around bite size pieces, recognizing my actual progress and a little tough love.
First and foremost, there is some serious momentum that can be created when we take things slow and build upon our successes. For me, choosing one small task each day that will get me closer to my goal always seems easier and less daunting that looking at the full list of steps left to complete or my always growing to do list. So in moments of wanting to give up, I will ask myself, “what is one small step I can take right now that gets me closer to my goal?” Sandra Yancey says,
“What’s my next best move?”
It’s an amazing way to make an overwhelming goal seem smaller. When we feel like the actions are easy, we are more likely to get them done. Along the same lines, I’ve adopted a mantra I learned in my Faster Way To Fat Loss program and that is:
Progress Over Perfection
If I know that progress matters more than creating a perfect blog post, I can just write the damn thing. If I believe that writing 6 pages today in my latest book gets me closer to my goal of another finished chapter, then I get one step closer to a completed manuscript. It all comes down to bite size pieces and taking small action every day to get you closer to the end goal.
One Step At A Time.
Another trick I’ve started using just recently is super helpful when I’m feeling defeated. In those moments of being too hard on myself, I switch my focus. Instead of looking at my list of things left to do, I will make a list of all that I got done. I’ll look back at the previous day or last week and actually write down my accomplishments. It’s ALWAYS surprising to me how much progress I’m actually making when I take the time to stop and celebrate my wins. I’m not a gold star kind of a girl, so I don’t need the rewards associated with each one, but I’m my own worst critic. I’ve learned I have to force myself to recognize what I have actually done. Otherwise, I will never give myself proper credit. Every time I do this, I am left with the same surprise - Okay, I can do this!
Lastly, I’m so good at tough love. Ask my children. I have high expectations and I am learning to be more of a Rah Rah Cheerleader, but I am the hardest on myself. I know why I’m this way. It is how I work best and it’s also how I was raised. BUT, I am now learning to soften my approach, even with myself. There is still a sense of This Needs To Get Done, but as I shift my thoughts toward the positive, I am tending more toward affirmations than yelling in my head. So, here are some of my favorite mantras:
The better I become, the better I attract
Show up every day and take action - Amanda Frances
Tony Robbins says: Take Massive Action
So, I hold myself accountable to the goals I’ve set. It is usually helpful to remember my why behind any new crazy ass goal. The more it’s centered around helping other people, the more likely it is to get done, too. I may want to look like a super model, but I love tacos and I hate working out. I do love my children more than life itself, though. The idea of taking care of my body so I can be here for my children is much more motivating for me. So I take small steps every day toward being active and remind myself that I’m not trying to run a marathon or create six pack abs. I do want to have energy to play street hockey or run along side my youngest as she learns to ride her bike. I remind myself to “move my ass” daily and I keep track of how many times I actually did last week. It’s my go to method for actually reaching my goals. What about you? I’d love to read your comments below!
Choosing Happy
I like to start with saying that the first step toward getting what you want in life is to choose that you want it - choose that you deserve it and choose that it will be yours. It’s often easier said than done, but you can’t possibly attract something into your life that you don’t believe you can have. We have to first believe it can happen and then we can move toward it coming true.
Let’s say you’re wanting to wake up each day excited about what lies ahead because you’re tired of waking up reluctantly and dreading your 9-5. The first step is to choose that you want to feel better. Choose the way you want to feel when you first open your eyes in the morning. Visualize what you will say to yourself and how it will feel. Choose to feel happy and choose to be excited. I use this practice of setting my intentions and practicing the feelings I want to hold through out my day by using the last few minutes before I go to sleep to remind myself how I want to feel when I wake up and practicing the first few minutes after waking up.
It doesn’t matter if you’re day ahead is going to a job you hate, it’s the day you clean house or you’re running errands that you can’t stand. The “what” you are doing has absolutely nothing to do with how you are choosing to feel while you do are doing it. It really doesn’t. You can choose to feel happy and content while you are grocery shopping even if normally the idea of picking out vegetables your kids won’t eat is appalling. You can decide that you want to feel better no matter what your day holds.
Beyond choosing how you want feel, it helps to spend time practicing. You can’t be happy if you don’t know how it feels. Spend the first few minutes of your day feeling the feelings of being happy. Take a few seconds to revel in the way happy feels before you put your feet on the ground. Say out-loud how you want to feel and what you will do today. I find regular touch points throughout the day helpful too. I remind myself how I am choosing to feel and take a second to get myself back to how it feels over and over again.
Our words have such power. They can direct our thoughts and our thoughts direct our emotions. If you’ll just practice saying out loud how you want to feel as if it’s already happening, it will begin to take hold.
“I am so exited about going to work today.”
“I am so happy to be alive and awake and ready to start my day.”
“I am so happy as I pick out food for my family.”
“I love to have a clean house and I love the way a clean house smells.”
I also find it helpful to speak about what I “get” to do instead of what I have to do. Instead of saying I have to go to work or I have errands I have to run, I have started saying instead that I am so excited that I get to do - whatever it is that I have in my day. The first words I say to myself in the morning are how I want to feel about what I get to do. “I am so happy and excited about what I get to do today”. Sometimes, I’ll name the specific, but if that’s too hard to get behind, I will just say “I am so exited about what I get to do today.” It’s amazing how the shift in my words and the focus on how I choose to feel will actually dictate how the day unfolds.
It’s amazing to me how simply choosing that I want to feel better will give me permission to make it happen. I’ve also realized that once I start intentionally choosing better words to use, using a more positive spin on things and shifting my focus to feeling better, I realize more and more how negative my self speak is. It is like peeling back the layers of an onion to notice the thoughts and words on the surface and what lies underneath those. Once you start, new things unfold and it’s a continuous cycle of improvement.
Trust the process and allow it to unfold. Let go of any judgment. Now, when I notice myself falling into an old pattern, I do my best to just stop, notice and let it go. Instead, of “OMG There I go again” or “My goodness how negative!”, I will just say, “huh, isn’t that interesting.” Then, I will remind myself that I choose to feel better and replace the old negative thought with a new one that is positive. If it’s especially challenging to reframe, I will find 3 positives for every negative. I find myself still working through negative self speak when I’m referring to my body, so my reframing sounds like this:
Old Pattern - oh my god I need to lose weight. Look at this flab.
Recognize - There’s that old thought again.
Reframe - I choose to be thankful for this body instead of shaming it.
Replace with positive - I am so proud of how well this body was able to create, grow and birth four beautiful humans. My body is healthy and strong. It is getting stronger every day and it is beautiful and I am grateful for all that it allows me to do.
There is power in your words and there is strength in repetition. When there is a lifetime of momentum and habits of negative thoughts, it takes time to shift and create a new pattern. Allow yourself to get a little bit better every day and remember how you are choosing feel. You are choosing to feel happy which won’t come from beating yourself up or expecting perfection. Be gentle, keep going and choose happy over and over again.
Let me know how it’s working for you!
The best gift you can give your kids: Happier You
It’s that time of year when we are all searching for the perfect gift.
There are so many tidbits of wisdom I’ve gathered along the years, but if there is one thing I would love all moms to know it’s this. Your happiness matters. It’s not just important for your personal benefit, but it’s so crucial to the wellbeing of your children.
We hear it packaged all sorts of ways: make time for self care, take time for yourself, be sure to exercise and spend time doing what you love. Happy wife, happy life. Ain’t nobody happy if Mama ain’t happy. But why don’t we actually believe it?
I’ve talked about meditation and letting go in my eBook because it’s so instrumental in creating the happiest version of yourselves. When we take the time to put our happiness at the forefront of our day, it allows us to be the best mother to our children that we can be. We show up in the best ways.
Meditation allows us to quiet our mind and hit pause on the to do list. Meditation allows you to feel that overwhelming sense of wellbeing that is yours. Letting go of all the bullshit stories we’ve heard and believe about what it means to be a great mom takes some pressure off. Letting go of all the stupid obligations we put on ourselves that don’t actually matter free us up to have more time. Letting go of the pressure to do more, be perfect or somehow attain this miraculous balance of doing All The Things allows us room to be ourselves and have some fun along the way.
If I could pass along one piece of wisdom it is this. When you take time to make yourself a priority, you are actually doing this FOR your children.
Think about the times you were happiest. You laughed more with your kids. Their jokes are funnier and you recognize the silly things they do as cute and not annoying. You might dance your way through the Trail of Lights until they ask you to stop. Embarrassed preteens make me laugh. When you’re stressed and in a hurry, you can’t be bothered with the umpteenth story about Fortnite or My Little Pony.
Somehow, we all get it. That we need to take time to fill ourselves each day before we can tend to others, but why don’t we actually do it?
You know who i think does it really well? Jen Hatmaker. She is amazing and if you don’t already follow her, you should. She keeps it real and is honest about how hard motherhood can be, but she will often give you permission to suck at some things and let go of the ways you aren’t perfect in your own mind. She’s encouraging and hope-filled and she’s pretty stinkin funny, too! Give her a follow and thank me later.
Well, I can tell you from my own experience that when I have made time for myself, to feel good, happy and excited about my day, that it makes me more patient in the mornings. I look at my phone less and actually listen to their stories when we are together. I greet them with smiles and hugs instead of the hurried mom they used to get rushing to the next thing. Putting myself first and insisting that my own happiness matters has actually made me a better mom.
Don’t you think you owe it to your kids to do the same?
26 years ago today ...
26 years ago today, I gave birth to the tiniest baby girl and on that day, my life truly began. I didn’t know where we were going to live, if her father and I would get married or if I’d ever go to college, but I did know that now I had the motivation to do everything I had ever wanted to do. Now, I had another life depending on me to show up and make some magic happen. And that was one of the scariest moments of my life. When I looked down at this 4lb 13oz preemie sized baby girl, I was scared shitless. It was a “holy crap, I actually made a person” moment that I wish I could tell you was all rose colored sunbeams shining down all around us.
If you know me, you know that my motherhood journey started with a teen pregnancy. This may have made me a statistic on paper, but I never let it define me or determine what I was capable of. I almost took it as a personal challenge to prove everyone wrong. In all honesty, this is still me. Tell me I can’t and I’ll try harder. But at 17, I was months away from graduation, had chosen my college and dorm mate and there I stood drinking milk at prom. Everyone else was throwing back beer and shots, but there I was nursing my morning sickness that lasted ALL DAY LONG. Those last few months of my senior year are a blur. I showed up to school in sweats, without any makeup and my hair pulled back in the 90’s when appearance mattered and big hair was all the rage. I couldn’t eat. I struggled to drive myself to school and I was late most days.
I had no idea what I was doing. I had no examples of how to make this work out in my favor. I was also keeping my pregnancy a secret, so I hadn’t told my parents. I had nothing but the feeling in my gut to guide me. All I did know was this baby girl that I was now holding in my arms after so many hours of labor and after all those months of hardly eating, she had to have a purpose and she had to be here for a reason. I stepped up and took the responsibility for this tiny little life the best I knew how. I remember staring at her as we drove in the car together. I was overprotective and so awkward. It took me awhile to get comfortable talking to her. I distinctly remember saying to her, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say to you. Let’s listen to some music.” So, I would turn on the radio and sing to her. I always wondered where her singing talent came from because goodness knows I can’t hold a tune, but perhaps where my awkwardness left a gap, that music filled in the rest. I read books by La Leche League to learn how to breastfeed. I took every piece of advice from our parents with a grain of salt. They had experience, but I also trusted my gut and relied on the medical advice from our pediatrician to sometimes make different decisions.
Through the years, I also learned to take her lead. When she wanted to know why the sky was blue, I looked it up. When she refused to wear anything with lace, I made sure we only used the softer clothing that was handed down. Only now looking back can I tell you she likely had a sensory processing issue, but we didn’t know those sorts of things in the mid 90’s. Or I didn’t. I just continued to follow her lead. When she refused to wear pink, dresses, or bows, I quietly mourned the loss of having a little girl who loved pink as much as I do and put her in shorts and pants instead. She needed to learn to read BEFORE starting in private kindergarten? I figured out how to teach her to read. I had sex talks way too early. Overcompensating much? Perhaps.
When I tell you I can help you charter unknown territory, I come from a place of experience. I raised children as I was still growing up myself. Did I get it all right? Of course not! My girls and I absolutely grew up together, but I did not ever use being a young mom as an excuse to cop out. I may have been the youngest mom in the room at every classroom party, but I was there. I showed up when it was uncomfortable, I asked questions, and I figured that shit out. My poor first baby girl was my guinea pig. I tell her all the time that I didn’t know what I was doing. I still don’t as we charter young adulthood together. We’ve survived the college years and now we’re moving into wedding season.
I’m here to tell you that you can figure out your unknown too. Whatever it is for you, you don’t have to do it alone. My favorite approach to the unknown is “we need more information.” Don’t know how to do something? Look it up. Don’t know where to go? Ask someone for help. If I am lost or overwhelmed, I always try to seek more information before pressuring myself to know the answer. It takes a load off and buys me some time.
In all the ways I figured it out along the way, I’m also here to tell you that I’ve always, always taken my frustrations out on my hair. If I’m lost or confused or need help, I may seek more information, but my hair will always alert you. If you need proof, here you go … me with my newborn and a freshly permed bob.
Unknown Territory Alert!!
We are going to need more information. STAT.
What My 3 Divorces Taught Me …
My Dad & I on my my wedding day in 1994
You cannot imagine the shame and embarrassment I’ve carried with me since my last divorce. Having to admit, out loud, to perfect strangers that I have three “failed marriages” under my belt was beyond difficult. I typically tried to camouflage my embarrassment with self deprecating humor. If you know me, you’ve heard me poking fun at myself … before anyone else has the chance to. Somewhere along the way, though, I’ve learned to have some grace with myself. One of my amazing therapists was constantly reminding me to do this and yet, it took me years to begin truly embracing what those words actually mean. What I can tell you now is that each divorce has taught me more about myself than anyone else. I’ve learned what causes relationships to break down and how to prevent those cracks from growing over time. I’ve also discovered that public failures are the very best life lessons.
Look in the mirror.
You know how those things that really bother you most in other people are usually those things about yourself that you don’t yet recognize? Yeah, me neither at first. Over the years, I began to realize that in all the ways I was frustrated by my husband (pick one!) was really just a mirror into my own insecurities and things about myself that I didn’t like very much. I have been told I have a potent personality and what I have come to realize is that means I don’t lean toward sugar coating. I am a strong, independent woman and have a difficult time letting someone else lead me. I have had to learn the art of genuine praise which does not come naturally to me and struggled to find some positive things to say on really tough days. As a result, I haven’t always been a very pleasant person to live with. I have such high expectations for myself that these three very different men had to try to live up to really unrealistic ideas. If I could go back now and talk to the younger me, I would have some wisdom to share with her! That’s not to say any one of these relationships would have worked out, but I maybe could have saved myself some of the self inflicted misery along the way. Being able to take ownership for all the ways I contributed toward those marriages ending has been extremely freeing.
Why did you get divorced?
I can recognize the conversation from a mile away. The one that starts with “Can we talk?” I know the look in her eye, I recognize the fear and sense of loss she is carrying with her as she reaches out to me, one of the few people she knows who has been divorced. Equally interesting to me is how many times I’ve heard someone say “What happened?” when they hear of another marriage ending. The truth is most marriages don’t end for one clear cut reason. Typically, there has been a steady deterioration of the relationship over time. Divorces happen because of a bunch of tiny little reasons that eventually become too much to endure. People stop giving as much, people stop communicating, people stop showing how much they care and begin taking their partner for granted. The little shit matters! The tiny expressions of love that are easiest to stop, that is the beginning of the end. I can talk to you about love languages and dating your spouse, but in all honesty, it’s not a one size fits all approach. Knowing what I know now, though, I can tell you what to do to avoid some of the pitfalls. Also, some marriages are not meant to be saved and were not intended for the long haul. Abusive and unhealthy relationships are never okay.
Divorce is SO Public.
The thing about being a divorced woman is the decision to change your name is the most public way to announce your change in marital status. Whether you want to have the conversation or not, if you’ve changed your name, you are forced to say why. You will have this conversation with friends and family you haven’t seen in years, to everyone you share your resume with, to every single person you interact with professionally via email, and every single utility provider. My favorite example of what can be a super awkward conversation was after my 2nd divorce. I was presenting to customers in person and introduced myself, using my maiden name instead of the last name they had known me by for the past few years. One of the men in the room, a high level executive from one of our most important customers, interrupted with, “oh, congratulations, did you get married?” I paused, mortified, and said, “No, the opposite actually.” He didn’t skip a beat and said, “Well, congratulations anyways.” Everyone in the room chucked and I felt a sense of relief. In that moment, I realized that my divorce, while way more public than I would have liked was in my control in how I chose to present it. I could be the victim, embarrassed about my perceived failure or I could own it as part of my story. I could choose to let it just be what it is - same person, different name.
You’re the author of your story.
Do I love that three divorces is part of my story? No, but I have stopped referring to them as failures. I have relationships that were promised to last a lifetime come to an end. I have learned lessons along the way that I just could not have learned by watching someone else stumble. I have experience now that makes me a damn good coach. I can guide my clients back toward a fulfilling relationship or out of an unhealthy one. I have acquired valuable experience that I simply could not learn just from reading a book. Also, I have had three men stand before our family and friends and promise to love me forever. How lucky am I?
If you need help rewriting your story, download my free Start Again Guide as step one.